I welcome your personal opinion, I appreciate hearing the truth.
She doesn't pressure him into anything. They both like that he's unavailable so there is no pressure on them to go into a R which would kill the friendship. They also like that they don't have to commit and they keep their lives separate. He said if he wasn't leaving me to go there it wouldn't be a rebellious act.
And, yes he does like my home and all its comforts, as well as me, as long as it's on his term, like don't talk to me about her.
I am long ready and willing to take the next step. I don't fear anything coming my way. I just can't figure out what that looks like yet.
I want to find the answer. I want to make a move. Maybe I'm just to nice and need to man up. Woah, I sound like Nero.
Happy Thanksgiving to all Dber's and may your day be met with peace in your hears.
oooxxx dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Wed night H drove home about Mid, 5hrs late, and sat in the car. This is his way of excepting that he was wrong.
I saw him out there as I went to greet my future DIL and he opened the car door. I said, nice that you went to EA's, and nice that you are out here, stay out here. He did...until 6am.
He came in the house, made hot coffee and proceed to clean the kitchen from the last nights baking.
We had a brief convo where he said, he drove EA to her dad's for an hour, than drove her to the bar, where he sat outside in the car so she could have a ride home. He's done this before. She was soo drunk by the end she reamed him for being a stupid simple man who doesn't come in and drink. She does that often.
He feels he has to help tho. He began to say he doesn't want to have a life with her, just be there at times for her. Of course I pulled out my no, and then we will be done.
My question is this. He fought to stay in our home, saying I don't want to leave, I know you have every right to make me, but this is my home and my family.
Is there some good to having him say this? He is actually defending his home and family. Does this help in any way for a WAS to "see" and quietly contemplate?
Not that I was pressing him, or pushing him out the door, it was a mutual convo.
Their always pushing for their freedom, space, OP, is this a good push on their part.
BTW. He spoke of a future with us getting a bigger house and renting this one, and so on, as I looked on bewildered that he doesn't get it, he will loose me if we continue status quo.
H did not join us at the table Thur. after helping as sous chef and domestic, by his choice in silence. As he escaped into my room he waved gently good-by while closing the door, when I got to the door he said he does not feel righteous enough to sit at our table. He needs to lay and be within himself, if he even has himself.
A few hours later I brought the grandson in for H to see and he was attentive to him. Babies bring that out.
We had a nice family dinner and game night while H listened on in the next room.
I still can't understand if there is a future here. I know all the right advice, GAL, go ahead with myself, but he's here, it's not easy to ignore, and I am not fully detached from someone I am M too and living with.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I still can't understand if there is a future here. I know all the right advice, GAL, go ahead with myself, but he's here, it's not easy to ignore, and I am not fully detached from someone I am M too and living with.
How can you be? Not possible, I say.
I'm impressed you've stood as long as you have. That's some love there. Maybe a lesson for some of us.
The question in my mind is how badly do you want to save this M, and how long can you do the status quo without losing yourself?
Sometimes it seems to me the cost of waiting some of these MLC'ers out can simply be too high. Plenty of the vets here have themselves pulled the plug on their M's. We should never be willing to give up ourselves and who we are to save a M. That just won't work long term.
The pain of staying vs pain of ending it. Tough stuff, I know! I wish there was a definitive answer for all of us.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Sometimes it seems to me the cost of waiting some of these MLC'ers out can simply be too high. Plenty of the vets here have themselves pulled the plug on their M's. We should never be willing to give up ourselves and who we are to save a M. That just won't work long term.
Kind of a catch-22 isn't it? I mean, if you pull the plug, are you being you? If you keep it like it is, are you being you? Either way, I'd say no, you are not.
He is obviously thinking about some things. He's in that "I'm not worthy because of what I've done" sort of mindset. And yet, he's trying to dig himself out of it as well, thinking about the future.
While I'd say wait, I'm not suggesting the status quo is going to work either. I think you are doing fine with the boundaries - you told him he can't have both. And you mean it from what I can tell.
What's your play? I'd say keep going the way you are. GAL, live your life, keep your boundaries and defend them (be prepared to only pick the ones you're willing to die on the hill for of course) and keep patient. He's baking, but he's not done, is he?
You won't let it get to the point of going farther than you're able to go. Willing perhaps, but able won't happen. You won't let it.
Hang in there.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
glad your thanksgiving was full of people and kidn of "okay".
you know- listening to you- here's a thought. you've had the "decision making " taken out of your hands. if your h will not leave - and it just can't be DONE at the moment- perhaps (this is only me thinking about how " the universe" "god" for want of better names for it- guide your life. it floats around in my head becasue the things that happened to MAKE ME find out about h and his cheating &lying truly CAME OUT OF TEH BLUE. in a seemingly impossible way- yet there they were - in my face at an oddly appropriate time & way- FORCING ME TO know -
THERE WAS no good reason or EVEN A logical way it happened- i swear- it was some wierd "other thing" making it happen.
i know i sound nutty- but bear with me. your h sounds like he is soooo guilt-ridden he's taken it upon himself to punish himesle- (self awreness at lest?) i'd think it was a miracle if i saw h admitting he was "in the wrong" "hurting others - me" " punishing self" "admitting he wanted to be there- part of the family- seeing a future"
i'm just sayin - it's someting - seems like quite alot to me- his communications about this. I GET how much it hurts - believe me- i feel it too- HOWEVER - AT LEAST you 're getting the benefit of his thoughts and admissions and know he realizes (at least in part if n ot in whole) what the heck he's doing to you, him, family, etc. that alone seems huge to me-
MAYBE - JUST MAYBE - THIS IS the decision being taken out of your hands for a bit - for the present time. - why not step back if possible and just decide not to decide - decide not to act or think about it- just let your brain rest a bit and get doing things outside the house - where you are sooooo occupied you cannot have time to think. i know i hammer away - but this is somet hing that is key to me being able to get un-immersed in this sooooo much. it does help me alot -
my h isn't here allll the time- true- but i do know and it does hurt every time i know he's with ow. it's a gut -ripper for us all i'm sure. if you'e being forced by circumstances to endure living together anyway- somehow let yourself off the hook for makign alot of things happen now - that are not happening, and practically speaking - not a good idea to force to the point of poverty and homelessness for either of you- SOOOO- i'm gtting lost, but get what i'n thinking here?
maybe forces beyond your control are working here- maybe your h STAYING there, in the house, in your face, in your life is him battling? self if nothing else??? i don't pretend to know what the heck is going on with him and God and good and evil and ow and alllll that crappola. it's tormented and wcky- but there you have it- mlc insanity. maybe - JUST MAYBE- IT'S TRUE. it's mental illness (hopefully not forever)
why your h needs to be punished? idk- why do i ssem to gravitate to the strength of characterof th ese stinkin scorpios? they're bossy and self-involved and tooooo much in general for me, mere aquarian, to engage with. fight with-
YET- MY LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY FULL OF THEM. and this is waaaay before i ever even knew what the heck sign they were. i didn't even believe it it- all this "sign" stuff- astrology- it's just that over the years it's become apparent that my life is loaded with this particular character. maybe i pick my mother- you read that alllll the time. maybe you picked him because there's something about HIM being what he is- that is what makes you be what you are- or you "need" or I "need" on some le3vel - and all this $hit is the price we pay.
idk- i'd say tho- your sitch- it's seeming impossible to changhe rite now- so why not just take a nap- tell your own brain this is just "how it is" rite now- stop "trying & stop fighting it - and just get your brain busy with something else?
i hate this advice- it's very good advice for me- if i could follow myu own advice all the time i'd probable be a better happier person- i try tho. i find allowing myself not to "be in charge" of this all- and "not HAVE TO make a big- right- life altering decision RITE NOW" AND ALL THAT OTHER JUNK ONE FEELS PRESSURED TO DO WHEN YOUr life is in the toilet- and you feel allllllllllllll like you have to be responsible and find the cure and save yourslef immediately-
maybe like a disease- we can't. we have to try and be gracious under fire- ENDURE - AND WAIT and see?
am i just lazy? (iknow i am) or feeling powerless (we all are- sometimes are not- but largely in life are) or what? idk-
dawn- give dawn a break- just decide to stop fightint it all for a bit- or figuring it out- that's the woarst part-killing yourself "figuring it out and figureint it out" we'll go bald if we continue.
take charge of your brain and tell it to be quiet and relaz and "nothing bad is happening rite this minute" -
xxoo - sorry t5o be a bossy old cow - i'm trying to do the same - it's harder sometimes than ot hers- but it seems to be helping. iprobablyputi t poorly- but you get my jist-
since he & "it" seems to be out of your hands at the moenht- just let it be...... and shoot for being more accepting rather than either mad or sad or guilty about not fixint it rite away....
io know- more crappola advice from some goober out here- ta; da.
I open my eyes each day and except it for what it looks like....
good H days are met with good reinforcement
bad H days are met with detachment and loving acts from behind the scene
I put myself first, I make my plans, and spend my time as I wish, without expectation.
Then when I'm so removed from MLC, because I'm just living life without my radar on, blam, it won't let me go, it shoves itself right under my nose. I try with all my might to put on the restraints, but it gets clearer and clearer and I see what the future holds.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Tonight I can hear my future DIL say my H has made her nervous. He went from 2 yrs of virtual silence, to playing a 3 hour family game with them talking up a storm. I can't even begin to understand what stage this is or what this means in the MLC journey. Today's game instructions came with his hand on my lap, compliments on my intelligence, and offer of food at my command. Yet he is still clearly struggling with MLC, I think he is trying to avoid it thru keeping busy, and making contact with us.
I think my biggest fear is me getting over this and moving on, and him finally coming to terms with life about a day late. Why fear, because it would just be so sad to then leave him behind, and I will at that point.
I would never let that hold me back or slow my progress, it just something I think about. I would basically be taking the whole family with me. It's sad to see how a person can take themselves out of an equation to the point of no return.
I don't know what to do with his friendliness, it's been a while now, but it's not a reconciliation, it's just being comfortable. I feel as if I'm nice,he thinks he's in, feels secure. It's a slippery road.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I would like to add H is noticing how much he has hurt us and has made reference. When he speaks about it in detail, it can be under different personalities. In anger he justifies his doins, in depression he digs deep, then there's arrogance where he doesn't care, then there just seems to be this even person emerge and he's humbled.
None of this has made a dent in my R with him. My ideas of change are so much more than he can live up to, and I'm not asking him to.
I feel like kind of an a$$ faking the laughter, or giving him that sense of security, but I would like him to be healthy, no matter how things work out. I believe I play some roll in that, he seems to really reach out.
Going on 2.6 yrs has really tought me alot of my own issues and set me straight to those of my M.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
