By the way. I wish to God that several months ago, someone had given my wife the advice that Im giving you right now. While my situation never got to how you described it, she decided it wasnt worth it and is walking away.
I could do a month. Small things, in a month. He deserves that from me. I can accept he's not in it for now, and I think you're right. Me leaving will probably not make much difference to him and only a little bit for me.
I just have no idea what to do. I have lots of GAL. He prefers me to leave him alone, so I do. I back up his discipline in front of the kids. I am courteous and thank him for cooking, driving us places, etc.
I can look for things to give compliments on and show appreciation on that.
I have read DR, but ages and ages ago. And then I got rid of it.
I know, I know. I've just ordered again.
I had a horrible dream last night. Woke up in the middle of the night really upset. He came in (must have heard me crying out or talking in my sleep) and was kind to me, and helped me put on an audiobook to listen to do drift off again.
I can do this for 30 days and then review. I can.
So today - library, garden, work, time with kids, walk alone. I'll cook, to give him a break.
So today - library, garden, work, time with kids, walk alone. I'll cook, to give him a break.
SJ - Great! Lets do it!
First things first. Your marriage is not going to be perfect in a month. So, Id recommend starting with two things.
1) Start with a list of goals. What things are you going to try for this week? Or this month? Some ideas.... - say thank you to H once a day - cook dinner twice a week - exercise _____ ? - say hello/goodbye when leaving the house ? - something about money ? - something about PMA ? - something relating to validation/empathy ? - something about GAL ? - and so on
2) I think you should list out some signs of progress. What kinds of things do you hope to see. I think you need some criteria for you to examine in a month to see if things are improving. Some ideas: - He will say hello to you when he sees you - He will have a 5 minute conversation with you about anything - He will smile at you - He will touch you on purpose - He will send you a text message about something other than money/kids - He will say thank you about anything - and so on...whatever yo think would be the very first actions if you are on the road to "a happy marriage"
When women have problems they want to talk about it. They want it validated by their spouse or friend. When a man has problems he goes into his little cave and tries to forget them for a while. Men and Women do different things to deal with the stress of problems.
I do not know how long he has been in his cave but my recommendation would be to give him space. Let him come out on his own. I know it is frustrating but the more you pressure him the more he will hide so to speak.
Be polite and nice to him, just don't put any demands on him right now. If you want to talk about things make it seem as though you are asking him for help. Let him fix it in his eyes. This will at least get the ball rolling. I think this is a good way to at least get him back to the table.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Us guys love our caves and are really grouchy if we are disturbed in them. There's no coaxing us out you've simply got to wait until we've worked the problem through in our heads (and it may take us a while because we aren't female :-) ) and then we'll want to talk about it, so be ready. Don't under any circumstance when we do start to speak interrupt or say things like, it's taken you that long to get to there!? Just listen, be patient and validate you'll be rewarded handsomely.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I agree with all of the points you guys are saying. The way I interpret this situation is that SJ has had enough of waiting around while her H sits in his cave. Its been two years since her original posting and shes ready to walk away from the cave. I agree that going into the cave and trying to pull him out isnt going to accomplish anything, but leaving a trail of crumbs at the entrance MIGHT work.
You can see some of the goals and stuff I recommended ^^^. Keep it all very low pressure and look for small steps.
