You definitely need some professional assistance to help you get clarity on what your goal is. There are a couple of Michele's DBcoaches that could help you in this situation, as they have worked with many couples that discover down the line that their partner is gay. There isn't an easy answer, as you have to decide what you can life with (or without. I would be happy to discuss the coaching with you. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
All these years, all this time, all the books read, the hopes raised, the prayers made. The frustration. The fresh ideas: massages, sex-toys… but no interest. The therapy, the money spent on it. The anguish, the questioning, the doubts, the sleepless nights, the black thoughts. To get where? From a low-sex marriage to a no-sex one, but with the understanding why: the same sex attractions of my wife, and an asexual lesbian at that. So I just don’t have the right equipment!
We’ve tried to seriously look at divorce, separation, an open marriage, with our therapist. But both those roads go against all the values that we’ve lived for all our adult lives. We’ve examined the past, looked at our past history, tried to understand ourselves better. Listed and named all the good times and the good things that we share. Decided to stay together. To mourn together the passionate loves that neither of us have ever known. But it’s not easy to do! To hear your partner say that they have no physical desire for you at all, that anything beyond cuddles and hugs makes it a really difficult effort to make… (sex a sacrifice, a burden, a misery?) There’s no happy end to this story, and absolutely no sense of progress, just a better understanding of how we got to this uncomfortable place. So I have to make do with affection, tenderness, the odd caress.
There’s a lot of anger and some bitterness here, and elsewhere on the Web: marriage vows betrayed, lies, promises broken. That’s not my case. Though perhaps there is shared anger at ‘God’, who seemed to lead us to this place of pain. But I would really value hearing from other men in my position, who are trying to make their relationship work, who’ve not gone for divorce. I’m amazed at how quickly, after feeling up-tight and in despair, a simple caress from her can calm me down. Perhaps I just need more of this low-level closeness, a sense that she understands at least in part my frustrations. I know that I cannot changer her; I can only change myself.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
All these years, all this time, all the books read, the hopes raised, the prayers made. The frustration. The fresh ideas: massages, sex-toys… but no interest. The therapy, the money spent on it. The anguish, the questioning, the doubts, the sleepless nights, the black thoughts. To get where? From a low-sex marriage to a no-sex one, but with the understanding why: the same sex attractions of my wife, and an asexual lesbian at that. So I just don’t have the right equipment!
We’ve tried to seriously look at divorce, separation, an open marriage, with our therapist. But both those roads go against all the values that we’ve lived for all our adult lives. We’ve examined the past, looked at our past history, tried to understand ourselves better. Listed and named all the good times and the good things that we share. Decided to stay together. To mourn together the passionate loves that neither of us have ever known. But it’s not easy to do! To hear your partner say that they have no physical desire for you at all, that anything beyond cuddles and hugs makes it a really difficult effort to make… (sex a sacrifice, a burden, a misery?) There’s no happy end to this story, and absolutely no sense of progress, just a better understanding of how we got to this uncomfortable place. So I have to make do with affection, tenderness, the odd caress.
There’s a lot of anger and some bitterness here, and elsewhere on the Web: marriage vows betrayed, lies, promises broken. That’s not my case. Though perhaps there is shared anger at ‘God’, who seemed to lead us to this place of pain. But I would really value hearing from other men in my position, who are trying to make their relationship work, who’ve not gone for divorce. I’m amazed at how quickly, after feeling up-tight and in despair, a simple caress from her can calm me down. Perhaps I just need more of this low-level closeness, a sense that she understands at least in part my frustrations. I know that I cannot changer her; I can only change myself.
I feel your pain. One thing though, you are getting older. Do you really want to leave this world having left the last X years of your life sexless and affectionless and just taking it?
Even if your wife is attracted to the same sex, she still as a wife, as a friend can allow you to occasionally feel sexual intimacy. She could look at it as a massage, that she provides to you. It might not be the way she wants to feel but it's not going to kill her.
If she will not take care of these needs, at some point you will have to decide to get it elsewhere.
Sexless, yes, but not affection-less. That's not fair to her. There is affection. And she's ready to offer some sex, but cannot offer desire. And I - for now - have a real problem with just taking my pleasure when there is no exchange of desire.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
The saga rolls on. Slowly. My lesbian wife says that she's ready for some sex - but I've discovered (or confirmed what I already knew) that I want to 'make love'. For me, sex isn't just about me having an orgasm. It's about an exchange of love and desire and pleasure. And she has clearly said that she simply cannot offer this: she has no desire, and no pleasure.
So now I'm really up against the wall. She reaches out and holds my hand as we watch television, and I am ultra-sensitive to all these small signs of affection, tenderness and closeness. But it's not sex. Up until now, I have been hoping that we could find together some 'modus vivendi', some compromise. She's clearly said that she's ready to make an effort - but it is an effort, not pleasure! So can I accept to live in an a sexless marriage, with someone that I still love, and with whom I've shared so much, and enjoyed so much with? Am I going to be able to mourn what I've missed out on and let it go? Or am I going to find that I am forced to look elsewhere - and see if she can live with that? And see if the significant other can also live with that?
My wife is strongly pressing me to do more things on my own, to make my own friends - and it's true that most of our friendships and interests have been shared. But she's not keen on climbing, and IF I spend more time away, I may meet someone else... one of my questions inside has been where would I ever meet anyone else... has she thought of that? Or is that what she's encouraging me towards? We do talk about just about everything, so at the right point, I will just ask her, if that's what she has in mind.
I still can't help feeling that there's some blockage in her that could still be unblocked, that her long battle against her lesbian desires has helped her to cut herself off from ALL desire. And that the therapy she's still having might, just might, still free her up. Even if that means she heads off for a lesbian love, I would rejoice, I think.
One day at a time; one week at a time.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
The saga rolls on. Slowly. My lesbian wife says that she's ready for some sex - but I've discovered (or confirmed what I already knew) that I want to 'make love'. For me, sex isn't just about me having an orgasm. It's about an exchange of love and desire and pleasure. And she has clearly said that she simply cannot offer this: she has no desire, and no pleasure.
So now I'm really up against the wall. She reaches out and holds my hand as we watch television, and I am ultra-sensitive to all these small signs of affection, tenderness and closeness. But it's not sex. Up until now, I have been hoping that we could find together some 'modus vivendi', some compromise. She's clearly said that she's ready to make an effort - but it is an effort, not pleasure! So can I accept to live in an a sexless marriage, with someone that I still love, and with whom I've shared so much, and enjoyed so much with? Am I going to be able to mourn what I've missed out on and let it go? Or am I going to find that I am forced to look elsewhere - and see if she can live with that? And see if the significant other can also live with that?
My wife is strongly pressing me to do more things on my own, to make my own friends - and it's true that most of our friendships and interests have been shared. But she's not keen on climbing, and IF I spend more time away, I may meet someone else... one of my questions inside has been where would I ever meet anyone else... has she thought of that? Or is that what she's encouraging me towards? We do talk about just about everything, so at the right point, I will just ask her, if that's what she has in mind.
I still can't help feeling that there's some blockage in her that could still be unblocked, that her long battle against her lesbian desires has helped her to cut herself off from ALL desire. And that the therapy she's still having might, just might, still free her up. Even if that means she heads off for a lesbian love, I would rejoice, I think.
One day at a time; one week at a time.
There probably is a small percentage inside of her that is still straight. Work with her willingness to please you and take the sex. It might be the best thing you ever did regarding your relationship. It will change the way she looks at you, you look at you and she looks at herself as she allows PIV intercourse. I'd do all the sex acts that she would allow, do not overdo it or be inconsiderate to her feelings. So if she wants to put time delays on you, respect it. I now have hope for your situation, through SEX you can actually better the relationship you have with your wife.
Rather than looking at her willingness as an " effort ", why don't you accept it as the gift of love that it is?
Why not act " as if " she is making love? For it is coming from her heart, giving to you from her, and let that be for now.
If you analyze her sexual giving in the moment, then now matter WHAT she does, she cannot win.
Just do it, and be still.
Give it time and let her guide you with her sexual needs. Ask her what it is that helps her climax. Then DO it!
If everything is good outside of this, YOU need to come to terms with allowing someone to give for the sake of giving.
If you NEED to be needed in this area, ask yourself why?
If you feel close and connected everywhere else, why not allow this to be different, instead of having an expectation.
Exercise in thought: What if you find a woman who you click with sexually, and then decide to divorce and marry her. What if she loses interest in sex, because of hormones down the road. You would have given up a whole relationship ( which you admit is good ) chasing something that may not last and be in the same boat, yet without the previous emotional history, love and connection? Is this what you want?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Rather than looking at her willingness as an " effort ", why don't you accept it as the gift of love that it is?
Why not act " as if " she is making love? For it is coming from her heart, giving to you from her, and let that be for now.
If you analyze her sexual giving in the moment, then now matter WHAT she does, she cannot win.
Just do it, and be still.
Give it time and let her guide you with her sexual needs. Ask her what it is that helps her climax. Then DO it!
If everything is good outside of this, YOU need to come to terms with allowing someone to give for the sake of giving.
If you NEED to be needed in this area, ask yourself why?
If you feel close and connected everywhere else, why not allow this to be different, instead of having an expectation.
Exercise in thought: What if you find a woman who you click with sexually, and then decide to divorce and marry her. What if she loses interest in sex, because of hormones down the road. You would have given up a whole relationship ( which you admit is good ) chasing something that may not last and be in the same boat, yet without the previous emotional history, love and connection? Is this what you want?
Her willingness and desire to accept you for PIV intercourse is a great start. Imagine if you will, that you could have the happy relationship that you desire and starting out a moderate sexual life. No cheating. What more can you ask for after having gone so long sexless.
I've had almost exactly the same encouragement and advice from a lesbian in a difficult low/no-desire relationship with her wife. And it rings bells. I think I have been setting my wife and myself the wrong hurdle. If she's ready to make an effort, it is out of love, and I should accept it as such.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
