I think my biggest fear is me getting over this and moving on, and him finally coming to terms with life about a day late. Why fear, because it would just be so sad to then leave him behind, and I will at that point.
oh man- exactly what i find myself thinking. (lucky you-ijust deleted the long long version of reply- i've probably said it all a million times.
it is a sad thing to contemplate - that if we are the sort of women that only "let go" totally when we're soooo ready to leave there is no "goin back" (probably me - i admit) If they only wise up when we're gone- but by then, we could never give them a second look.
it's pitiful-people- life- etc. i always think this is probably how tons and tons of people live and have lived since time began- with all this pain and unfairness and uncertainty. just bumble along- lives broken &messed around allllll the time. how wonderful and horrible - love.
how in the world i ever thought we would always be together and that no matter what happened- we'd manage to come thru it because we cared about each other soooo much. i was truly living life in some wonderland of my own creation.
okay- i gotta go take a snow picture - i'm depressing self- and i even had some sleep so am not total misery girl.
gotta snap out of it today- have some (a little bit) of detachment- i'm not by any means totally "cured" of noticing what in the world is happening with h in mh life- geee couldja guess that?
oh well- this is a mighty talllllll mountain my particular "journey" is taken me on. i'm obviously going "the long way" . not a stinkin short cut in sight.
i just cannot "use" some kind of revenge man or boink here. the tought grosses me out- just seems with allll the problems of my mom & family - i have not got the stamina and "juice" to handle two giant giant life problems (willingly) at this one time. this sitch with h may stink (alot) but it's still better (?) than nothing and no one in my life. pitiful but true - oh well. i guess my self-worth can stand me takin a hard look at self- i never said i didn't have alot of "junk" here i drag along with me. i guess i'll "get there" in the end- wherever there is?!!
Sometimes i want to envy people who are totally self-serving and be like that- i can't bring myself to do it- it must be nice (maybe). idk- maybe they feel "free" and unfettered. idk- oh well- i guess i'm just a run of the mill, decent human being shackled with all the same "trouble" as everyone else - huh???
i'm outta here - have a great day. still awaiting "wisdom" or something. xxo
just bumble along?? why does there have to be drama? I was ok to just have ordinary simple life. the golden rule thing. I didn't think I was missing out on anything. h was not on same page....
sorry is that just the way it is now? do we tell young people today getting married... don't worry if you don't like your spouse in 20 years go ahead and change for a different version?
just thinking...
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
hi dawn, sorry I jumped in. just went back and read from beginning. I do this. I am at the 2 year presently holding mark too
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Pop in all you want. I like to hear from those who are in my simular sitch. I know is all my choice and up to me to make the difference, it's nice tho to hear how others are doing just that.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
yup - i'm all for lack of drama - golden rule- simple and "true" values - i say this is what life is allllll about.
nope- we don't tell them to just switch w hen the goin gets tough. i'm not sure really about whether people really do change soooooo drastically (as in jeckle & hyde) . i know life changes us all- does it make a "good" person rotten? i'd have thought not.
can a decent person be allll caught up in crummie stuff and act like a jerk? apparently yes. that i will concede.
does it mean he is a jerk for eternity? idk - honestly. i hope not- i'm not holdin my breath tho.
i don't like the idea of a world with no love, no til death do us part- no honesty, trust, loyalty, devotion, etc.
it's "nice" to have any of above & believe in them - practice them. (or all- even better)
im not sure what we do with this ideal-
i guess live honestly as who we are? even if it's archiac and laughable to young people or most people?
be me - be you - the he!l with anyhone else's opinion of what it makes us?
maybe i'll feel differently in five years. maybe not-
a good friend called this a.m. early to chat because she was upset and just advised that the woman she works closely with for past five years - teacher in same room - has been diagnosed with bone cancer- it's very bad & she's very young. it's soo unfair, rotten, impossible to believe.... etc.
makes me glad for the simple fact of being alive & well. it's not a fair life- mine has been good for f60 yrs before i found out i'm possibly a giant jerk. i guess i can be okay with that- if that's what it turns out to be in the end. me being a huge fool - but feeling fortunate for so long.
what h is? idk i find it hard as heck to over look allllllll that good and soooooo many years of being sure he wsa such a good person. i hope i'm not wrong (totally) . i'm sure i'll know someday.
not today tho-
oh well- it's cold as heck outside. froze myh buns off clearing off car- neighbor shoveled my walk- human kindness - still alive & well - yay. & instead of "doing what i should" i moseyed down to my sister's house- ate some home made rolled cabbage & sat in sunny kitchen with my butt near the radiator , had a cup of coffee and chatted. verypleasant little visit. we mulled over the insanity of my nazi sister & her h who were going nuts on the phone this morning- and i hung up the phone. first time in my entire life i've everhung up on anyone.
she was whipping herself into a martyr frenzy and honestly, i wasn't even being bad - just asked her a question about something only she knew and i needed to. i think her strategy is to go straight into a very vicious attack and bully/scare away anyone she doesn't want to deal with. I wonder about her marbles- if they're all present and acccounted for. could hear her h screaming from seat in car next to her" get off the phone - don't talk to her". not too tightly wrapped - the pair of them.
i do not need the aggro of dealing with a couple junk yard dogs. man-
i'm outta here. snow is pretty- i'm calm - i just do not care today . i don't want to any more.
So, on my quest to live life for me and my family, not concerning, myself with my MLCer, I am off to warm claimant. Two weeks+ starting Jan 17th. My adult kids can fend for themselves and my H can do what he does. He doesn't deserve me anymore!
He has been what I call "MLC" nice. We laugh, cook for each other, even flirt and sometimes ML, but it's not L, it's familiar. Its been a while like this with no further improvements. He is passing his time of me caring about a future with him.
I was hoping, but not expecting, the start of the reconciliation part of this, but he is who he is now, and I am not going to allow myself to be a part of that person.
I believe he is unhappy with himself, but has come to some sort of peace with himself as well. He still maintains his EA friendship and has made no attempt to be anything other than what he chooses to be.
I am very content with myself at this point and am ready to go about my days without worrying about how it will affect him, or any repercussions of my actions. I am finally content being me, untethered from him.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I think this is a great idea Dawn. It will be good for you to rest and heal, away from H, without having him and his EA in your face all the time. My H is MLC-nice these days too, but I think the reason is he sees his dream coming true finally. You sound good and detached - I think that is what The Process does for us, gets us strong and content. Gets us liking us, and for me that is a foreign idea! You will be fine with what ever you decide to do
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hey D, you are sounding good. A little tired, though. But thats to be expected when you are working so hard.
I love that you are going away for some D time. Good for you.
You are entering acceptance. Good for you, again.
I am glad that you are feeling good about yourself.
He is liking the 'no rocking the boat' feel, so MLC nice is what you get.
There will come a time when the status quo is no longer working for you. When you need to walk a little further for you. What that means, only you will know, my friend.
Hmmmm...it really seems the new year ushered in a lot of introspection and movement.
I know in my sitch I said I was not happy with what it looked like. So we will see if his money is where his mouth is, concerning how we go forward.
MLC nice? Yup....let's see, you have no rocking of the proverbial boat and you get to be single when it suits you and in a relationship when it suits you....hmmmm lol.
you sound moi cool and calm , so happy for you. the time away will feell mighty nice i'm sure. idk- nothing to say much here (miracle - huh?>) have a wonderful day
i'm jealous of your peace of mind - but taking heart that it is doable nd maybe will happen to me one of these years.
had (have) a bit of a health scare thing going on with mom this morning. I am - watching sitch- fingers crossed. had a bad feeling about some pain she was having - will check back in later on her.
hate when that adrenalin gets rushing around- then wait- then maybe - then then then, eeeek. hoping it's "nothing much" but then , if there's nothing going on, why is there any pain of any sort there??/ this being a dr sure wigs me out - with her memory ssitch it's very hard to get the "history" - hoping i do the right thing- so far have not had to rush to a dr office or hospital today. -
