I'm doing better than when I started that last thread tho!
Here's to "letting it all go"! Hopefully, I will be able to find the strength to heal so I stop standing in my own way.
Nero, I still have your note! Ur, I have a blank map in front of me that's ready for me to chose a path, and Linda we will be awesome, we are already awesome!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
How exciting to have a blank roadmap. Really my roadmap was about how I was going to act, who I was going to be. What did I want to see when I looked back at this point of my life? I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I wanted to see that I handled it with dignity and strength and that I did all that I could.
Take it one step at a time. Do one thing different.
Really my roadmap was about how I was going to act, who I was going to be. I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I wanted to see that I handled it with dignity and strength and that I did all that I could.
Ur,
This is exactly what I need to do for myself. I especially want to see myself maintain my dignity. I never want to be that girl who begged him to put our lives back together.
I want to be the woman who has the strength to do it herself.
You right, I am still soo hurt by this, I amaze myself just how much it has touched me. Even after all this time the hurt is so fresh in me still. That is something I need to look at about myself. He can't take it away for me, and I think I wanted nothing more than for him to do just that.
I have read and continue to read so many threads on this site, tho I have very little to offer, I can relate to so many stories.
I need a new story...I need to make my new chapter or I will not come out of this myself. I will be like my H, and all consumed for life by the pain and disappointment.
The change has to come from me! Just writing this is so hard. But, maybe that's good because I am not like my H, his MLC is threatening his life, and he is stuck.
I need to learn compassion for him as well, let go of the resentment. Soo much pain and resentment, for someone I loved wholeheartedly.
That's what's killing me. Hating him! Resenting him! Plotting his departure from my life...I just got that!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
With your words in my head, I was able to get thru a bad night last night. I did cry, I masked it in physical pain I'm having with my tooth, but H knows.
If my world could be healed with his good intentions, I would be living heaven on earth. He is showing his care, and disappointment in his actions.
But, none of that helps me to much. It's nailing jello to the wall. He is not that guy right now, maybe never will be again.
Working on that hurt. She's is a big mountain to conquer.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
will write later fromupstaisrs. just lost another response to yhou- this laptop is killin me- i'll just read awhile more with coffee then go reply.
hang on- i feel sooooooo mch like you. don't want to embrace or accept the hate. it's there- i'm sick of it.
i don't want to be m mopther- i don't know how to fix this mess- there's got to be an snwer somewhere. the having patience thing seems to be something-
him being with her- me knowing- it's the killer. idk how long i can manage - i'm getting excellent at one day at a time- it's just feeling like i'm wasting my own life l& love.
tho- not doing anhytikng more fancy with hit- but the knowing in the bafk of myh mind- it prevents me from being more definitive alot of time.
oh well huh? same old junk - two years later and we're hurt as hell still, in pain, continuing to make do- buty not happy abouty it. ourt "portion" of pain in life??? idk- aren't we both one little bit improved aND PHILOSOPHICl in life or something????
we truly can't be as raw and f'd up as we were two years ago- can we???
idk
xxoo hang on man- there's something out there forus- some answer some how- it'll appear i think - one way or the other. can't firm that up- i don't know what it is- but i feel sure it's there, somewhere, if we could just catch it...
You know, Dawn, I was thinking of you today. I see you looking inside and trying to figure things out.
I never want you to think that your shouldnt be deeply hurt. This is soul crushing stuff.
But if you believe that your h is in crisis, then you need to try to understand how difficult this is for him, too.
Depression feels like you are drowning. If feels like you are trying to climb a mountain slicked with oil. You try to get through each day, sometimes each hour, each minute.
The only way for him to get through this is to do the work.
And that is the only way for you to, also.
Decide that you are going to release the hurt. Visually throw it away. Decide that you are bigger than the hurt.
When you continue to hold onto it, you give it power. And then it grows and grows.
All this is going to happen anyway. And holding onto all that isnt going to change that. But it can change you.
Take back your power, Dawn. Let it go and start your life.
My H, (that just doesn't even sound right) said he turns towards EA's in rebellion. He doesn't want anything to do with her, she is an avenue. HE would never live with her for many reasons one being he doesn't like her that way, but also because then he wouldn't have anywhere to turn to satisfy his rebelliousness.
He said if he helped her and moved in because we S, than he would come here and I would become the OW, that pisses her off. Hence, still getting out his rebellion. I didn't know what to say...sure give her a taste of her own sh!t, no I said...you leave you don't come back. You find yourself thinking clearer, maybe grown up, give me a call and I will decide if I want to talk to you. Was that OK?
He doesn't want to leave, but he knows I don't want him here. He said I can't be mean to him like her because I don't mean it, I can call him an assho!e all I want, coming from me it's not that damning because he deserves it.
This came about because my S22 started talking to him about doing things around the house and getting off his butt. H said he doesn't have what it takes for this family, we're better than him that's why he hangs with EA because she's worse than him. My son said he's damaged.
This is MLC spew but it seems to be also who he is now. Stuck in the spew and living like a functioning addict. It's kinda funny because all the yrs of complaining about our home he defended it saying, "this is my home".
I want to prepare for S. He may never leave but that doesn't mean I can't live a separate life, once I can get my mind off of what he's doing. Really, he needs me more than I need him. We are already untwined, but my mind still goes in his business, which never does me any good. I don't want to care anymore, but it's hard when he doesn't come home, I have a case of TMI and it drives me nuts.
I am looking for peace, and it's hard to maintain when you live with a tornado!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I just heard this on the radio: 95 percent of M people fantasize about having sex with other people, but there is no correlation between fantasizing and having an affair.
I know my H lives in a fantasy world. I know for a fact he had a brief A with EA 3 yrs ago, why did he stop, and go back to the fantasy world? I wonder why he doesnt continue a PA with her.
He once said he didn't like being a hypocrite, but he also says, he doesn't like her that way, and vise vera, but he has made some flirty jokes to her, that she squashes.
He was out the door almost 2.5 yrs ago. Declaring his love for her, admiration, and need to be with,why didn't he go? Why did he stop the A, and stay with me only to become her BFF.
He says I stopped him by crying and fighting him, pre db. What does that really mean, I didn't have a gun to his head, he's a big boy, he could have over powered me.
Even when the tears stopped and I was ok with him leaving, almost a year now, he's here. Taking care of me and the kids and hanging on to his EA. Cake eating?
Does a sitch like this ever come in favor of the LBS? Why would a man make a change when he's "getting away with it" and it's this easy?
This is my confusion, I just thought I would put it out there into cyber land.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Dawn, Why would he change? He's got the best of both worlds...the ow and you, the family and home. As long as he is living under your roof he has an excuse if the ow begins to pressure him about marrying her.
The only way that cake eating can stop is to take the cake, plate and utensils away from the one trying to eat it. You have to decide what is important to you. Right now, I firmly believe this man is disrespecting you and your family, as well as the marriage...but that is my personal opinion.
Dawn, you are the only one who can determine when to get off the carousel and stop making such delicious cakes for him.
I do hope that you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving. It's the grandbabies first Turkey Day! Take loads of photos.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
