I'm not sure what is going on. DH wants out, I think. He said it during a fight a few weeks ago and so far hasn't indicated things have changed. The past year or two he has seemed a lot less into me but every once in a while he would tell me things about how unhappy he is. How he needs help. How he feels he has failed. This all started around his 40th birthday.
I mentioned separating to him once a few months ago. I didn't want it but I was wondering about his distance and told him I was lonely and asked if that is what he wanted. Then we made love later that night and I assumed we had gotten past it all. One weekend without the kids and it all came crashing down. He doesn't want to be married. This life we created isn't working. He doesn't want to fight. He doesn't want me to be lonely. He doesn't love me anymore. He has nothing left to give. He doesn't want MC but says he knows he needs IC but doesn't want me at all involved. I can't tell him to do it. I can't bring it up. And knowing him it will never happen. He feels like a failure and he has talked about dying (not suicide) and has mentioned a life insurance policy he has a couple of occasions.
He is showing all signs of depression. I think he has tried opening up to me in the past but I guess I handled it all wrong--IDK. Now, it seems, I am the problem. My insufficient income due to my "laziness" (I thought of it as flexibility to be around for the kids but whatever). My constant nagging (I always thought my problem was conflict avoidance because I tried so hard to avoid nagging, apparently not).
I'm scared. I love him so much but his "brokenness" really worries me. Before this happened I was already back in school getting an additional certificate which should be completed by the end of December. I thought we were making progress. I thought I was working towards getting us out of this hole we have dug. Apparently he sees no hope, no end, he hates his job but feels so locked in, and even if there is hope he doesn't want us to do it together. Every idea I come up with to try and bring in more income to him seems "flighty and selfish" (for example me taking a night job). Yet he comes up with the same ideas for himself and thinks it is swallowing pride and a heroic act of selflessness. I don't understand why he always thinks that I have the worst of intentions.
Anyway I read DR (most of it, I skipped the parts that are beyond where I am because I didn't want information overload, especially since I am also working, taking online classes, and taking care of my family). In my next post I will explain what I have been trying to do based on my understanding of DBing.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Now that my posts have started posting I decided to copy and paste this here to keep everything in one thread.
I am having a really hard time with this. I am still waiting for my OP to be posted and within the 5 days of waiting I have been up and down so many times. I think I am doing great, then I mess up.
DH is away for the week. I planned on using this time to focus on me and on doing things my way, but little things are making me so angry. He has the habit of stopping me from taking care of things and saying he will do it. I stupidly believe him and then months pass and it never gets done. Is this a control thing? I always believed his intentions were good but he was just flaky about things, now I think it is a control issue. I have been dealing with a broken washing machine for months and whenever I have a plan to take care of it he tells me he already has it under control. I leave it alone for weeks (even months) and when I bring it up again he tells me he is on it. This is part of my conflict avoidance problem. I keep my mouth shut while inside I am ready to rip someone's head off.
Before he left on this trip (which I think he felt a little guilty about taking at first but he needed it) I said directly (which is a 180 for me), "the only thing I ask before you go is that the washing machine get's taken care of". I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction and thought I finally figured out how to talk to him about these things without sounding like a nag or being passive-aggressive. But it didn't get done. Two days before he left I said, "is the washing machine coming this weekend or should I go to the laundromat?' and he said he will take care of it that day and that he was planning on doing laundry the day before he left. Neither things got done (well maybe he did his own laundry, but none of mine or the kids stuff got done).
So he left yesterday and last night I was at the laundromat seething in anger. We can't afford a new machine. I called to get an estimate on repairs and even just the diagnostic visit is more than I can afford on my own (although for a working used machine I wouldn't mind paying that amount). I googled DIY repairs (which I have had moderate success with in the past) but this repair is beyond my comfort level. I have the day off and I want to take care of this TODAY. I woke up this morning so cranky about it.
And then he called. I wasn't expecting it, and because of the ring I thought it was my parents so I answered. I know my voice gave away my frustration. I know he was thinking "thank God I don't have to be in that house this morning" because it wasn't a good morning. And our chaotic mornings is part of what he hates about me (something I have been working on, but today I slid into old habits thinking it was ok because he wasn't here anyway--and because I am so angry).
Of course I had nothing to say to him except stuff about transferring money to fund the kids lunch fund, and I slipped and told him I got in touch with my uncle who knows someone who is selling a used machine. I stepped on his toes there because he claims one of his coworkers has one for us (but that was 3 weeks ago and still no progress in that department or any indication that it is actually going to happen).
So how do I do this? Part of me just wants to go ahead and make all the decisions on my own, but that involves having to use money that I can't afford on my own and I don't like just transferring money without telling him (although he used to do it to me all the time until I opened an account at a different bank). My parents offered to buy us a new one as an early Christmas gift but he made it clear he wants nothing from my parents. They have helped us out too much in the past and that is part of what makes him feel like a failure.
I feel like my hands are tied. Life is so stressful right now, and that is a big catalyst on why he is the way he is at the moment, I believe. But my way of handling things is to be proactive and hopeful, while his is to ignore it or just give up.
I really need a better paying job. As much as I want my marriage to work out, I am starting to feel like life would be so much easier without him. His moods, his spending, his need to offer to do everything, and his inability to actually do things he says he is going to do. I am going to talk to my pastor today. Hopefully she can help me let go of this anger.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Welcome, mustardseed . . . I know how frustrating moderation is - just keep posting and pretty soon you'll be off moderation. It makes all the difference.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It is awful. I read your other post, and wonder what you are thinking right now re: your M. Do you love him? Do you want to fix it? Are you willing to do the work it will require? What kind of DBing have you been doing?
It sounds to me like you are really only taking a surface look at yourself - you are still blaming H for the issues you have. It is NOT easy to take a long, hard look at yourself, to really dig deep and see where you contributed to the demise of your marriage, but it is important to do whether you end up staying in the marriage or not. Have you considered IC?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hi mustardseed ... Welcome. You have already taken a good first step by finding this site. Read through the threads and soak up all of the advice that the vets give. I have just started this journey myself and have learned so much.
Most of what your H is telling you is script. We have all heard the exact same things. If you give a suggestion to "fix" something, it will be immediately discarded. At this point, all you can do is work on yourself. Give your H space and really try to understand that you cant fix H or your M. He needs to figure things out for himself.
Continue to post and you will be off moderation before you know it.
Thank you for posting. The delay is very frustrating especially since my emotions are shifting back and forth constantly. When I first posted this I was making changes and doing pretty well, but then I had a moment of weakness and I feel like I have fallen off the deep end the last few days.
IC is off the table right now. We have major money problems which is a huge contributor to this stress--and even with insurance I don't have enough in the budget for anything additional right now and he would really resent it if I dip into his income for that, I'm sure. Especially because he has made it clear that he feels he needs IC but isn't ready to go, and I'm sure the money has something to do with that. But I started seeing my pastor and we have set up a weekly appointment for the time being.
I want my marriage to work--I love him so deeply and completely and that has never changed and has never been a point of confusion for me. We just never really learned how to work together as domestic partners and while we were able to skate by for many years, I think it is all catching up to us. And yes, I am very much to blame for this. I think that when family issues would come up (money mostly but other mundane, household issues as well) I would feel the need to have a discussion about it so we could handle it together, but I think he always saw that as me putting the burden on him--asking him to take care of it. And his response was always, "I'll take care of it" which frustrated me because that wasn't what I wanted, but I always went along with it anyway and just dropped the conversation as soon as he said he would take care of it. So one thing I am trying to do is handle things on my own without bringing him into it.
One of my 180s was when the sink was full of dishes but the dishwasher was running. Rather than waiting for it to finish I decided to just start washing them. He told me he would take care of it. The old me would have said, "fine" and went upstairs, annoyed and feeling dismissed. This time I said, "I got it" and went ahead and did it. Then I told him that he could help me dry if he wanted. And he did. I think that was a much better way to handle it then my old way. I am not used to being so direct.
I have my goals, but right now my fear is his emotional state. I think I am confused about DBing because while he is isolating himself from me and almost everyone around him, I am also afraid of abandoning him. I want to be both detached, but available--I am so torn. If he needs distance to get better, whether we are together or not, then that is what I would choose. But of course I prefer him to get better but stay together.
As for looking at my part in this. A few days ago I had a long list of things, but the past few days I have been so angry that I have lost focus. I know I am passive-aggressive. I also realize that constantly discussing my needs added even more baggage to his heavy load. I thought I was being open with communication, but I was being pretty selfish.I also realize that I wasn't a very good listener. He doesn't open up often, and I think I dropped the ball the few times he did, because I was so focused on my needs I wasn't hearing him. When he says he is hurting, my response was always, "but we are ok, right?"
I need to detach my emotions from his responses to me, and just be there for him without searching for validation. I am willing to do the work. I am just having trouble knowing how to approach it. This is where the data collection comes in. The try, wait, observe. Patience has never been my strong suit so I guess that is where I need to start. But right now I am not going to walk on eggshells around him anymore. I am doing things that feel right without worrying about if it annoys him.
I am so grateful for finding these amazing resources. Thank you everyone.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Hola mustardseed - your H sounds depressed - an IC seems exactly the medicine he needs - I can recommend the books on cognitive behavioral therapy by Rhena Branch, much better than meds, which are must a band aid, imo.
Please tell us more about you - as melissag says above, it is worth looking at yourself also. Are you happy? Do you need your husband (dependence?) Do you have friends?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi Mustardseed Welcome to the DB forums We're a friendly bunch and unlike other places we're here to try and help you get your marriage back on track. My H is very similar to yours in that he's depressed as well. I think his depression partly caused him to throw in the towel on our marriage. He told me that it was me causing his depression, well guess what? He's still depressed! It's good that he's getting IC, it'll really help. I was really pleased when I thought my H was getting IC, but he told me he threw the letter away as he says it's no good. I wouldn't recommend any books to him such as cognitive behaviour therapy. He's not going to listen to anything you suggest to him, it'll be seen as more nagging. I've been accused of nagging as well, but if they've decided that they want out of the marriage then nothing you can say or do will make any difference. Concentrate on yourself and as one vet said "be the spouse that only a fool would leave" I'm in a similar position as well regarding work and also back at college. They don't seem to see the bigger picture do they? Your sitch and mine are quite similar.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Hey mustard seed, sorry about your situation. My separated wife is going through some emotional issues as well (if she's being sincere, it's some kind of PTSD).
I don't know exactly how you feel but I can relate to being with someone who's emotions have nothing to do with reason and feeling the effects of their actions.
Hang in there…I don't know what I'm doing either but the fight is worth it.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Thank you. I am glad to hear others going through similar sitches. It helps to not feel so alone.
As for some of the questions asked. Yes, I do depend on him--too much. I do have friends but we rarely get together. Most of my friends have small children and all of them are married or in a serious relationship so any plans almost always includes the family or couples--which he won't do. Even when we were happy he never was gung ho about couples dates. That was one of the things that frustrated me.
Where we are now, everything is tied to his job. I shad a mom's night out the other night which was a lot of fun, but of course it ended with making plans to do a couples night--he is friends with all of the husbands, but that doesn't matter. He'd hang out with them without me, but the second it becomes a couples or family outing he wants nothing to do with it.
If it was a few weeks before BD I would have brought it up to him. He would have been non-commital, and if he agreed to it he would be snappy and cranky until we got there. Looked like he was having a good time while we were there, and then snappy and cranky again when we left--always the first ones to leave. That is what he does. But then I think, maybe I am contributing to that, because I try so hard to get him excited about it that he does the opposite and bursts my bubble at every turn. If I just blocked out his moods, ignored them, maybe it would have been different. Someone mentioned to me that drinking might have something to do with it to. If we both go, then one of us has to drive, which means only one of us will have a drink. Because he likes to be in charge of when we leave he always wants to drive, which means he won't drink so he wants to get home quickly so he can start. Whenever we did something that we could walk to or get a ride he seemed in much better spirits.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
We're a friendly bunch and unlike other places we're here to try and help you get your marriage back on track.