Well I hate to be posting something like this today, but its just dragging me down. Today is our 6th anniversary. Would never know it from wifes standpoint. I got her a card and few things for her horse, nothing extravagant. I got nothing from her. Not a thing. Not even a happy anniversary. We had a long talk last night on the way to airport to pick her up dad. I was straight up honest with her as i could be. I told her that this is not what I want in a marriage. I feel no emotions or feelings from her what so ever. My wife is afraid to be alone. I even told her that's why I believe we are back together. She didn't respond to any of this by the way. I've told her for 2 Months now what is important to me and none of it is changing. Things that are important to me are physical touch(hand holding, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc), wear her wedding rings, and make her facebook status married to me on facebook. I know the last one may seem stupid, but it would show me she's happy to be married to me. I've explained why these things are important and nothing has changed. I also brought my fears about being around OM and all she says is there are "hypothetical situations" She doesn't realize I'm trying to boundaries in place and my fear of an affair reigniting. My biggest problem is she shows no emotion towards me what so ever. I truly believe that she is in this because she is afraid to be alone. I have even told her that I believe we are only in this situation now because she found out OM was a real POS and it wasnt because she really wanted to be in this marriage. I am planning to bring this all up in MC on Tuesday. If I don't see any changes in a week I am leaving. I refuse to be in a loveless marriage where i am being treated like a roommate.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
You have to be honest about this or it wont work, I am learning this. Hard to say some things, but you can't keep them in or ignore then.
Good luck.
Keep posting as you need.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thanks JP. We talked this morning and i told her my concerns. She seemed to understand and actually repeat things back to me. I told her I was going to bring these concerns of mine into MC and she understood.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I am finding that piecing is not going to be anything shy of a marathon in itself.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
cbtdad, hope you don't mind me jumping in here. the A must have been so hurtful, and such a raw spot. And having to deal with the aftermath must be so difficult. In a way it seems like she is holding it against you if you bring it up? Is that how it feels to you? I think it is healthy to have boundaries in place after that happens. Does she understand the reasons that you need those boundaries in place? What kind of boundaries have you set so far?
To me it would be reasonable to have her cut off all communication with OM and to give you complete disclosure and to be able to answer any questions that come up about her whereabouts and that sort of thing. Also to openly answer any questions you have about the A in order for yourself to understand and move forward. That is my 2 cents. Hopefully you don't mind me offering.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Thank you very much for offering. I appreciate it. It was and has been very hard dealing with this. You pretty much nailed it. She does make me feel bad when I bring it up. She resents te fact that I bring it up. Like she told MC she doesn't believe anything positive comes out of it. She points out how she never brings up my past problems. How she doesn't bring up that I was sexting old girlfriends, or that I was a bad father and husband. She says that its seems pointless to bring past problems when moving forward and that doesn't do anything positive. She says that she has faith in me that I am not that person anymore and I should have faith in her that she has moved on as well from that. We talked a little more about boundaries yesterday and she seemed to understand the reasoning better. I will bring this up tomorrow again in MC The only boundaries that I have put in place is that she has no communication with OM. This is where there is a thin line and that we need to figure out We have become really good friends with a couple that is friends with OM So OM can be around, such as last Saturday at concert tha caused a big fight. My W now says she is comfortable with him being around because she has no emotions or feelings and said it wasn't a big deal when she saw him and the anxiety is gone. What i am trying to relay and compromise on is that if we are at couples friends house for a party of big group gathering and he shows up then fine. What I don't want is her around him when it's just the 4 of them or when I'm not around. I don't want to lose this friendship either and I don't want to tell her that we can't be friends with them. So I'm trying to figure out the boundaries. Does that make sense?
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Yes, that makes sense. I think you have set a good and reasonable boundary that you would not like her to be around him when you are not around. That is perfectly reasonable and understandable. I would feel the same way. Hopefully you can deal with some of those issues at your MC. Hopefully you can express to her that you have been hurt by her actions and that you will require some reassurance from her over the following months as it will take time for you to heal after what happened.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Going well JP. Thanks! We had a very interesting MC appt on Tuesday. I had a lot of anger and was upset. She shed a lot of tears. In the end both of emotions were about wanting assurances from each other. We are both in a place well we worry about the other and our they really all in. But by letting those emotions out in MC appt we both realized we do want the same thing
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
