Building a lasting marriage 1

[uRworthy]

Hmmm, what do you think is going on with you, J?

Could be that you are really anxious about this big step. Could be that you built it up in your head and it wasnt what you thought.

What are your thoughts? Why did you withdraw?

[lovethehub]

Well weekend went fair. I really backed off and withdrew. I have a lot of "working on my sh1t" to do. I am so confused as to what is going on with me.

Yes, you do. Think about how your W felt when you did this. She is taking a chance on you just as much as you are on her; she made the decision to move back home based on how you have been acting and then she moves in and you withdraw right away. This is unfair to her. Sometimes you have to 'man up' in a situation; look at what is going on and decide right then and there "Is what I am doing fair? Is it good for our M? Does W deserve this treatment?" You can't always allow yourself to hide behind the fact that you have work to do, sometimes you just have to decide in the moment that you are being a d*@k and change your behavior on the spot!

[chasingpavements]

Jp, from what I have read, I think you need to take a long, hard look as to the reason(s) why you felt you withdrew over the weekend. Is it too much pressure? Are the expectations too great? Are you worried, or trying to protect yourself from getting hurt?

Hopefully you are able to open yourself up again in order to communicate with your W. Perhaps you could even tell her something like, "sorry I was a little off on the weekend, but I feel better now, lets go do something fun".


-cp

[PatientMan]

jp,

Remember that your instinct may tell you to self-sabotage. Be cognizant of this so you can combat it with the knowledge of the truth of your end goal...focusing on the bigger picture and applying what you've learned along your journey.

I'm proud of you and very happy that you're in this forum now.

-PM

[jp787]

Hmmm, what do you think is going on with you, J?

Could be that you are really anxious about this big step. Could be that you built it up in your head and it wasnt what you thought.

What are your thoughts? Why did you withdraw?

Hi UR.
I think it was a lot of things or is a lot of things. It’s been nine months that it has been just me and the girls and I hate giving that up, maybe that sounds weird, but I think it makes sense.

I do feel anxiety about having expectations, but those are expectations that I placed in my head, no one else.

I think I fear confrontation so much that I am seeing this as confrontation, that she is home and watching me, that I have to act a certain way, do things and act in a way that I am supposed to, be the new me all the time, not let my guard down <<< If that doesn’t say I changed for her…wow! Still need to make it for me, so I want it just because I want it.

Well weekend went fair. I really backed off and withdrew. I have a lot of "working on my sh1t" to do. I am so confused as to what is going on with me.

Yes, you do. Think about how your W felt when you did this. She is taking a chance on you just as much as you are on her; she made the decision to move back home based on how you have been acting and then she moves in and you withdraw right away. This is unfair to her. Sometimes you have to 'man up' in a situation; look at what is going on and decide right then and there "Is what I am doing fair? Is it good for our M? Does W deserve this treatment?" You can't always allow yourself to hide behind the fact that you have work to do, sometimes you just have to decide in the moment that you are being a d*@k and change your behavior on the spot!

I agree. I am still very selfish in how I worry about how I feel, how it affects me. It’s time to put someone else first for once. I think this will be the hardest change for me to make.

Jp, from what I have read, I think you need to take a long, hard look as to the reason(s) why you felt you withdrew over the weekend. Is it too much pressure? Are the expectations too great? Are you worried, or trying to protect yourself from getting hurt?

Hopefully you are able to open yourself up again in order to communicate with your W. Perhaps you could even tell her something like, "sorry I was a little off on the weekend, but I feel better now, lets go do something fun".


-cp

I am afraid and need to decide if I am ready or not. If I am then I need put everything in the past in the past bucket and walk away from it.

jp,

Remember that your instinct may tell you to self-sabotage. Be cognizant of this so you can combat it with the knowledge of the truth of your end goal...focusing on the bigger picture and applying what you've learned along your journey.

I'm proud of you and very happy that you're in this forum now.

-PM

Thanks for stopping by, it’s quiet over here!

Ugn my self-sabotaging… Yeah, that is something that I defiantly do and need to stop. I think if I could reformat myself and start from scratch it would be easier than fixing all my faults, but here I am, so…

Thanks for the support.

[lovethehub]

JP,

You have changed a lot already. Take some time to sit and reflect on how far you have come and it will give you the strength to overcome that fear and move forward. Now go get that bucket, dump the past in it, bury it and walk away hand in hand with your W!

[PatientMan]

Ugn my self-sabotaging… Yeah, that is something that I defiantly do and need to stop. I think if I could reformat myself and start from scratch it would be easier than fixing all my faults, but here I am, so…

Thanks for the support.

I am a self-saboteur as well, remember? Our kind needs to help each other out from time to time...keep each other in check.

-PM

[jp787]

But after over 24 hours of labor and then a c section, my H calls me in the hospital as he was trying to pay the mortgage ( I normally took care of the bills). And due to sleep deprivation and worrying about my newborn I couldn't remember the online password. He yelled at me, my dad was there in the house with him overheard him and yelled at him.

It's called narccissm. Can't empathize with anything that doesn't directly involve him. Can't see outside of the narrow tunnel that is their world.

I just had to post this to my thread, I need to remember this.

[uRworthy]

Hey you. Ok, I see you posting on other's threads and I think to myself, man, he says some good stuff.

But then I come here and I read you saying the same things you have been saying for a long, long time.

So, what gives, J?

Come on now, you gotta dig deep here.

I almost feel like you just dont want to work too hard. Easier to just say, oh well, I self sabotage. Oh well, I think only of myself.

You have to do the work, J, if you want to have a life fulfilled.

I mean, you can just keep on going the way you are, but, what does that get you? More of the same.

So, let's go. Take off your gloves and start digging.

I'll get you started.

Why do you think you only think of yourself? How does that serve you?

What are you afraid of?

What havent you faced?

Get to gettin.

[jp787]

Hey you. Ok, I see you posting on other's threads and I think to myself, man, he says some good stuff.

But then I come here and I read you saying the same things you have been saying for a long, long time.

So, what gives, J?

Come on now, you gotta dig deep here.

I almost feel like you just dont want to work too hard. Easier to just say, oh well, I self sabotage. Oh well, I think only of myself.

You have to do the work, J, if you want to have a life fulfilled.

I mean, you can just keep on going the way you are, but, what does that get you? More of the same.

So, let's go. Take off your gloves and start digging.

I'll get you started.

Why do you think you only think of yourself? How does that serve you? I think I get my needs met by being selfish, it gives me a sense of control.

What are you afraid of? What am I not afraid of… Success, getting hurt, work.

What havent you faced? Something, several things… I honestly feel like I am blind to seeing what I am afraid of, of what I fear. My W came back from therapy and said I got to visit her in kindergarten, during her therapy session.

She was doing EMDR and was talking about how she felt empty, worthless when I rejected her. Her therapist said go back to when you first felt that feeling, she said kindergarten/ first grade. Then she said when was a time before that when you felt safe, worthy. She said in kindergarten, she talked about how a teacher did and said something. So in her head she went back there and took me with her, then faced the fear with me and dealt with it. Well W said it better than I have, but the point I try to make is she can jump to a memory, a time and place and when it happened, what was said and close her eyes and see it replay like watching a movie. Me, Sh1t I sit there with my mouth hanging open thinking I have a hard time pulling out how I am feeling in the here and now, let alone remembering anything. Just wish I could do that too.

Get to gettin.