I'm still around. I have posted 2 posts...one from last Thurs or Friday that is still not showing; Another one from a few days ago. I understand the moderation needs, but over a week for a post to be showing can defeat the purpose for people who are looking for guidance and feel they need it as soon as possible.
Well, I hate to say it but your wife is doing the right thing. She set a boundary (stop seeing the OW) and you crossed it. You have to accept the consequences.
I think you need to be very open with your W that you understand she will have a very hard time trusting you and that right now you don't even expect any trust, just the chance for forgiveness if you work hard enough to deserve it.
Taking additional steps to give her access to your email accounts, passwords, tracking software on the computer, GPS tracking on your phone, etc are very strong indications that you are ready to come clean for good and that you don't want any more secrets from her.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Thanks tigerlily...I understand the consequences of my actions. It took me way too long to see it. And I agree that she is dealing with it as she feels she needs to for her.
I wish W had continued with her individual counseling, but I can't do anything about that. But it worries me she will not deal with the situation effectively, even if she files for divorce.
I have been as open as I can be with her. She does not call me at all...we see each other at work for only about 5 minutes, so conversation is limited. Outside of work, I do go over to the house for about an hour or 2 on the weekend to see the cats. W and I have conversation, but it is usually about the cats or small menial items.
Have sincerely asked for forgiveness several times over the past 3 months since she asked me to move out. No response each time.
I left my computer at the house when I moved out...she has the passwords for emails, etc...I'm not sure what more I can do while living apart to be transparent. She never asks about OW or about what I am doing, and hasn't since the end of August.
I'm going to be brutally honest here, so please keep that in mind.
"I wish W had continued with her individual counseling,"
Why? She wasn't the one with the problem.
"But it worries me she will not deal with the situation effectively, even if she files for divorce."
Why does it worry you? You didn't care about it when you were having your A. These are the consequences.
"I have been as open as I can be with her."
You said that before and then you betrayed her again.
"She does not call me at all...we see each other at work for only about 5 minutes, so conversation is limited. Outside of work, I do go over to the house for about an hour or 2 on the weekend to see the cats. W and I have conversation, but it is usually about the cats or small menial items."
Understandable.
"Have sincerely asked for forgiveness several times over the past 3 months since she asked me to move out. No response each time."
You did that the last time and you cheated on her again. Fool me once...
"I left my computer at the house when I moved out...she has the passwords for emails, etc."
This proves nothing. She knows you could always have a hidden email that she doesn't know about.
"I'm not sure what more I can do while living apart to be transparent. She never asks about OW or about what I am doing, and hasn't since the end of August."
Because she doesn't care. You've made her numb. She dropped her defenses the first time and opened up to you to trust you. You broke that trust again.
So being honest here, putting herself in your shoes, what reason does she have to go out with you? If you were her, why would she want to be with you? Write it down here.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
In terms of the counseling, we had communication issues for a while along with lack of intimacy issues. Please don't take this as me using these as excuses...not at all, again, i own my decisions and their consequences. W is also a person who doesn't deal with emotional issues well...this has been a constant as long as I have known her (18 years). She doesn't face issues and likes to sweep them under the carpet. This is not a slam against her at all, so please don't take it like that. I'm just trying to establish why I wish she would continue with her IC. Whether it's me or a future relationship with someone else, IC can help her deal with the issues inside her...and deal with the hurt I have caused her.
I guess I'm not sure how to be transparent...what more can I do? With virtually no contact and no communication, how do I show that?
Honestly, if I were her, I would not want anything to do with me. All she has to go on is the prior 17 years together in terms of what I have to offer. Which is, understandably, not enough to trust me again.
"W is also a person who doesn't deal with emotional issues well."
And I'm sure your A helped her alot with her self-esteem.
"I'm just trying to establish why I wish she would continue with her IC."
Again, you cheated on a woman with insecurity and self-esteem issues. You don't get to decide what she needs any more.
"Whether it's me or a future relationship with someone else, IC can help her deal with the issues inside her...and deal with the hurt I have caused her."
Part of this is your own guilt talking. You didn't care for her before so you shouldn't care about her now.
"I guess I'm not sure how to be transparent...what more can I do?"
I'm not sure why you keep focusing on transparency. She doesn't care either way any more. She's done with you for now.
"With virtually no contact and no communication, how do I show that?"
Again, transparency has nothing to do with it. It has to deal with TRUST. That involves more than transparency.
"Honestly, if I were her, I would not want anything to do with me."
That's not what I asked. WHAT REASON would she want to stay with you? Think hard.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
There is no reason...any reason I give that she would want to saty with me, your reply will be something to the effect of "you had the A, so you're obviously not that". And your reply would be accurate.
For instance, she always said I was her rock and the person she came to for security. So your reply will be something like "nice job, with the A, you are no longer that to her".
Another example would be integrity and honesty. This was always a huge reason for her to be with me. And your reply will be along the lines of "are you kidding me, you had an A and you think the reason W would want to stay with you is your integrity and honesty, she will more than likely never trust you again".
And, again, your replies would be warranted. So my answer would have to be that I can't think of any reason W would want to stay with me.
First of all, stop playing the martyr. You had the A and these are the consequences.
I'm not the one married to you. You don't have to worry about my replies. But if you can't think of a single good point as to why your W would want to stay with you, then WHY even bother trying to get her back?
If you don't know what good points you have to work and expand on, then you can't DB correctly.
So stop being the martyr and write down what good points you have from your POV.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
