It was and has been very hard dealing with this. You pretty much nailed it. She does make me feel bad when I bring it up. She resents te fact that I bring it up. Like she told MC she doesn't believe anything positive comes out of it. She points out how she never brings up my past problems. How she doesn't bring up that I was sexting old girlfriends, or that I was a bad father and husband. She says that its seems pointless to bring past problems when moving forward and that doesn't do anything positive. She says that she has faith in me that I am not that person anymore and I should have faith in her that she has moved on as well from that. We talked a little more about boundaries yesterday and she seemed to understand the reasoning better. I will bring this up tomorrow again in MC
I am glad you brought this up in counseling. I don't know what the resolution was, however, I am with W on this one. I know many are going to get upset the second they read that but stick with me here. She is right! If you constantly bring it up, it continues to hammer home that what she did was worse than anything you did in the M. Or do you want her saying to you every day, "Now make sure you pay attention to me, take me out, hug me, go to the movies with me, cook me dinner, don't talk to me that, smile more" or whatever myriad of things you did/didn't do in the M that caused your R to be so disconnected she thought an A was ok? She has a right to be upset when you continue to bring it up. When my H brought it up, all I could think was "Wow, we will never get past this" and then, I didn't want to try because I couldn't come up with a reason to. I don't blame her for resenting it. It's either in the past or it isn't.
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She says that its seems pointless to bring past problems when moving forward and that doesn't do anything positive. She says that she has faith in me that I am not that person anymore and I should have faith in her that she has moved on as well from that
I agree
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
When my H brought it up, all I could think was "Wow, we will never get past this" and then, I didn't want to try because I couldn't come up with a reason to. I don't blame her for resenting it. It's either in the past or it isn't.
Yup ^^^. One time, the LAST time, I had a reaction that squarely brought her A's up, my W said the above almost verbatim. I have worked really hard through and past it, because I want her to continue trying. And I really can't re-do/un-do the past, can I?
What works for me is this framework: We both had been with others before we were M, and that FACT did not affect our relationship, because the past was past, we were on our own new journey together, so those past lovers meant nothing, right?
Reconciliation is a whole NEW M, the past is called the past because it has passed!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hey JP. Doing well, thanks for checking in. We had a MC appt yesterday and it went very well. We spent the entire sessions discussing boundaries and where we are at with these things. The MC said we both had very valid and logical points and concerns. And that sometimes couples come in with these issues and think mediation is going to happen. Lol At the end he said we weren't as stuck apart on these issss as each other think we are. And this morning it actually hit me with what he meant based on other things said during session. The W pointed out "not having faith in her" basically trust again. It finally hit me. I do trust her. I do have faith in her. But I still am hurting from this and I have not healed from this. So the thought of her even being in te same place as OM is very painful. I talked to W about it this afternoon and she completely understood at that point. I toms her that I want to heal from this and move forward but that I needed her help in doing so. On another front I had accepted a new job. I am leaving the financial planning world an headed back to the automotive industry. I got an offer that I couldn't turn down. W and I excited about this. Another new thing!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Yay on the job, sounds exciting! Glad to hear you and W are working on things.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
An offer you couldn't turn down huh? No horse heads in your bed, right?
That is great! I hope things are continuing to go well CBT!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I think the absolute first thing that needs to be established after an affair is to establish and maintain "no contact" with the affair partner. I think you should stand extremely firm on this boundary, and I think you have ground to recover as she seems intent on engineering a situation where contact is inevitable.
During a romantic affair, there is a measurable switch in brain chemistry - contact with the affair partner elicits the release of massive levels of the pleasurable and addictive brain chemicals dopamine and phenylethylamine - in far greater quantity than can be produced when in a long-term relationship. And for years after an affair or a relationship, these pathways remain. That is why you see so many affairs with past lovers or high-school boyfriends/girlfriends, or so many on-off-on-off affairs. The briefest contact can immediately stir all the same emotions and within minutes they are as strong as ever. And if she is feeling these emotions for OM, she by definition isn't feeling them for you.
Your wife claims that she has no emotional response when she sees him - you can be assured that is definitely not true. Sure she may claim he is a jerk and POS - well they say something about girls and bad boys. Every time she sees something to remind her of OM, every time she hangs out with or at places she was with him, every time his name is mentioned in conversation, and definitely every time she sees him, or hugs (!) him, I can assure you she is getting an emotional reward. And this reward is at your expense.
I have been following your story for some time and am watching her actions since your reconciliation began - first she drags you down to the same city as OM, then she ingratiates you with mutual friends of the OM, then she is hanging out with and hugging the OM, now she is saying that she should be able to hang out with OM with or without you. All the while she is showing minimal remorse, she is blameshifting towards you, she is trying to rugsweep, and most worrying, she is trying to normalize all of this. You are looking for her to put effort into restoring your marriage and relationship, but she sure seems to be directing her effort elsewhere.
So, try to step back and take an objective view of her actions, not her words. Look where this has been heading. Look where this is going. And look who is leading it there. Her affair is not over, it's on hold.
Hey CBT, you know where to find me if you want to talk
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hey JP!! Things are going really well. New job started Monday and have been really busy. Be honest it's the first time since we moved that I am working full time so its allowed me to not really even think about situation and just be in marriage for now if that makes sense. Went to horse show over the weekend with W and it was a good time. I got to see what these bigger horse shows about and allowed some "healing" on my part. She did really well and won her division. I've been feeling good about some things, but bad about others. I still feel like I'm "not wanted" She isn't instigating sex, hugging, kissing, etc Something we are discussing in MC. But that post above by Fade definitely brings a lot of negative thoughts in my head.
Fade, I do appreciate you coming by my thread and posting. You hit the nail on the head with some of my concerns for sure. There are a few things Im not sure about though. I don't think she led me to the city where OM is. We were choosing between here and Asheville and here was just more logical at the time for business and her horse riding. Plus I lived here for 10 years and went to high school here and have a whole lot of old friends here. OM lives about an hour away, but yes definitely closer. Yes, she is really good friends with a friend of OM, but as of now I am ok with that. I've become friends with her husband as well and they know the situation. W has agreed that there is never a reason to have any contact with OM. She hasn't brought it up since a couple weeks ago and has had no contact with him since that one time last month. The incident helped in both of us understanding that this is a long term healing process. I do worry that this can be "reignited" and that's why I say no contact. So when she says she feels nothing "emotionally" and its in the past, do you think she is lying to me? I don't know your situation. Can you tell me where you are "seeing or experiencing" this from? I appreciate your input
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
CBT, Glad to hear you are moving forward and doing well
The intimacy is something that you certainly don’t want to sweep under the rug. That said she may have more work to do for her still.
I would also be interested in Fade’s background / story. The post made me spin a little just reading it, kind of harsh, but maybe that was the point.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
