Hoping to still move forward, huge setback

[jp787]

I said that I feel a big problem in this is that my wife shows no empathy for me. That she shows no remorse for her actions. He asked if she was remorseful and she said no. She said bein remorseful to her is let admitting defeat and that she did something wrong. Are you kidding me?!? She said she is sorry that we had to go through all of this and all this pain, but she doesn't want to say remorseful because she feels like all of this needed to happen for us to get to where we are now. This is really hard for me to hear. The fact that she doesn't feel bad for all the hurt and anger I have is really getting to me and I'm having a hard time not blowing up about it. I am curious to what your MC said her saying that? Did you ask her if she felt bad that you were hurt by this? Maybe the word remorseful can be thrown out and more talk about how you feel/felt can happen? More discussion and not relying on her agreeing to a word, does that make any sense?
What worries me is that she thinks that its alright and now she is ok with OM being around with other friends and stuff. I've tried to explain my concerns but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. Maybe see if the therapist can help with paraphrasing what you have said.
I feel like we are on a path for disaster, but I don't know how to communicate it to her because she just doesn't see it. Don’t rush this, but don’t let it go, you will need to get this out and said to move on.

I'm really trying to keep a cool head at the moment

This is good
I may be way off her, but I would not meet the OM.

[cbtdad]

Thanks for the reply JP! And the encouragement. Its been a while since I have felt a little nervous about things. Not a good feeling. The feeling a had in the "pit of my stomach" yesterday in MC office in the beginning when my wife said, "I feel like I did a year ago, hopleless and not sure why I am doing this"
It felt like BD all over again. Thankfully after 2 hours of MC he asked W how she felt now and she said much better and realize this is a process. What the MC did well was to show us what we have been working on actually worked because we had this huge blowup saturday night, but were able to sit down sunday and communicate great about it. It was my anziety monday that became an issue and he showed up and talked about how to seperate these things.
When wife said she didnt feel remorseful it was more like she had a hard time saying sorry for something that she thinks turned out to be good. She is sorry for the pain and hurt it caused. I just wish she would show it more often. MC said that this is some of the things tying in from her past and her upbringing. Working on this in MC as well:)
Wife and I have scheduled time to talk tomorrow about some of these things and I plan up bringing up my feelings and how I feel and why I am worried.

I am fine meeting or not meeting the OM. We have become really good friends with this couple that is good friends with him. One of the reasons wife wants me to meet him is because she said she had a lot of anxiety built up with what it would be like when she first saw him. She said it went away after it happened. She thinks it would do the same for me. I kind of agree in a way. The reason I would meet him is to take away some of the anxiety when we are at friends house. The few times we are over there Im always worried hes going to stop by and what is that going to be like. So in that regard I would like to meet him and get it out of the way. So if we are at the same place it will be done. As i have told wife I have no interst in hanging out with the guy or anything like that. with that said this is what I am trying to explain my wife. if we are over there and he is invited because its a big group of people then fine. But I dont want her thinking just because she is comfortable now that it would be ok for him to come over while im not there and just hang out with the couple friends and her. Does that make sense?

[cbtdad]

One more thing about OM. I dont hate the guy. I dont really have any ill feelings towards him. He didnt even realixe my W was married till a week after it got pysical.My W was lying to him about it, not really his fault. So the 3 months of texting before that as far as he knew she was single. After he found out she was married she informed him we were getting a divorce and currently separated. Sort of another lie to him. A she didnt actually tell me that she wanted a D till a week after it got physical.
Anyways because of that its not like I want to just hit the guy because its not like he came in on a happily married woman and knew it. Our mutual guy friend told me that OM told him that he respects the fact W and I are back together now.
Like I told MC, "Im so tired of OM being in our marriage"
MC replied, "he is not in y'alls marriage. This is between you and W. And the quicker you get that the quicker it will get better"

[jp787]

I am on the fence about meeting OM, for me it wouldn't work, but that is me. It may be the best thing you could do, I am just stating what I feel

What I said about talking it out and letting her know how you feel, I wanted to add that you need to be open and honest, get it all out, but not to drag it out. Once you get it out, let it go and move past it and don't bring it up again, you know this, you have stated this

W and I had a hard night Monday, but made it through and are also stronger now, but it was a hard night...

What a process this is.

[lovethehub]

CBT,

I didn't have any remorse after my A, either. Yes, I felt horrible about hurting my H but I didn't regret the A or have remorse. It wasn't until H and I reached the place we are in now that I truly felt remorse. Now it pains me to think that when we look back over our M, that will always be there and that I will be the one who did it. It makes me sad very sad and truly remorseful, however, it took a long time to get to that place. Right now, you and W are working through things and while she is all in, I know the feeling she had of "this is hopeless, why am I doing this". It is so easy for one interaction (large or small) to make you feel that way (for you too, I'm sure) after how far astray your M went.

I hope you aren't too hard on yourself for blowing up that night. It is completely understandable and you have done a great job so far. The important thing is that you were able to talk about it calmly the next day and move forward together.

As for how she felt that night, and seeing OM, and if she should have said something, etc. I have been in the same place. I didn't say anything because he didn't stir any emotions in me anymore so it wasn't a big deal to me. In fact, I saw him one night and when he asked how I was I said "Really happy" and I just hugged him. The hug had nothing to do with him, if that makes sense. However, H was coming to get me and happened to come right then. He wouldn't believe it didn't mean anything. My point is just that for one person, something may not have any meaning (OM) but for the other, that same thing has huge meaning. Now that you have talked about it, she is clear on what she needs to do if she runs into him again so that you feel safe and that you can trust her.

Like I told MC, "Im so tired of OM being in our marriage"
MC replied, "he is not in y'alls marriage. This is between you and W. And the quicker you get that the quicker it will get better"

Hallelujah! OM was in our M for a long time but that was only because of the power my H gave to him. He had long since lost all importance to me but he lived with us for 4-5 years. You can let him go now.

[cbtdad]

Thank you so much LTH!!
I needed that. What a great post and it really made me look at it from a different point of view. I sometimes forget this is a marathon not a sprint and its not going to be the way I want it overnight. That's what our MC was having us focus on, the fact how we handled it the next day. That was the biggest fight we had ever had in 7 years. And we were able to talk it out calmly the next day.
One of the things she brought up in MC Tuesday was that she has put a lot of faith in me moving forward. Putting faith in me that I am better man and that I will treat her like a husband should. Then she asked me to put that same faith in her. Put that faith in her that it is done and will never happen again.
LTH, you really helped me realize that OM is part of this marriage only because I am allowing. Those thoughts must and will stop.
Thanks again!

[uRworthy]

Ah, C, look at you. About the blowup, here's the important things. You learned from it. You talked about it. Big, big stuff for you. So, dont be too hard on yourself, sweetie.

The thing about the om is this. You holding onto him is stopping you from moving forward completely. You are giving him so much power. Power he doesnt deserve. Take it back.

He was a bandaid, a diversion. No importance there.

You are the one with the history with her, the child with her. You are the one with the memories. He is a blip on the screen.

Dont make him bigger than that.

Your choice, you know. Always.

Whatcha gonna choose?

[cbtdad]

I choose not to make him bigger. I choose not to allow him to be in our marriage. I choose to have faith in my wife like she is having faith in me.
I choose to be the man, the husband and the father I know I can be and that I want to be.

[uRworthy]

Now you're talkin, C! Put him where he belongs, in the past. YOu matter, your wife and child matter and he does not.

Proud of you, my friend.

[lovethehub]

That's what you have been doing so don't let this one incident get you down. Move on and this time it will be just the two of you. You are doing great CBT