Not sure where to begin, but I will start with snooping! Always brings out the worst in people! My W went to a concert tonight with a couple of girlfriends. I on the other hand went out with a friend of mine. Alcohol was involved all away around. When I got home with my friend about midnight my W was pretty intoxicated. But coherent and funny. After friend left I was watching football highlights. I hadn't heard from W for 4 hours while she was at show even though at first she was texting with me. I was already in a foul mood because a friend of hers had sent me a pic of them and I noticed she had taken her ring off(wasnt her actual wedding ring, but a ring she put on to "please me" since hers were packed). I didn't say anything as I figured tomorrow was a better time to bring this up. Anyways couple that with the fact I didn't hear from her i decided to check her phone. I saw a text from friend, who was at concert with her, asking where she was. No reply from W. I then looked at photos on phone and boom! Pics of OM at concert sitting with her group at concert! I flipped!! I saw red! I completely flipped. Ran upstairs tuned on lights and went nuts. She wouldn't respond or talk so I flipped the mattress up and her out of bed. She got up a charged me and starting swinging. I grabbed her in a bear hug until she stopped. Then the yellig began. On my old verbal abuse starting spewin out. I called her a lying whore, so on and so on. Like I said I completely lost it. Didn't even give her a chance to tell me what happened. Snooping, verbal abuse, not listening, anger, all the things i worked so hard at over the last 10 months right out the window in moment of rage. Once things settled a litte a began to tell her that I don't see how we can survive this. I told her i don't think I can trust whatever comes out of her mouth about this. I immediately then went and woke her friend up in the guest room. Her friend is friends with OM. I asked her what happens and she said it was funny they got into a fight. Not funny to me. So I got back to wife and say fine tell me what happened. She said he showed up and he ignored for a while. He was on the otherside of he group of the people. After a while she said he came over and tapped her on the back and said hello, she said hello back and gave him a hug. He said to her, "I'm i suppose to just ignore you?" She said, "i don't know. It's all in the past it doesn't matter" She said later on she was going to the bathroom and he followed her. She said he told her there was nothing ever really there. To which she said she doesn't care. He then said just please don't say things behind my back. And she said she hasn't and won't. This was the fight I guess friend thought was funny.
I then asked her about the pictures. She said she doesn't know who took them. She said her phone was just sitting on the ground. Weird coincidence if you ask me. She asked me what did i expect her to do. "Act like high school and just walk away" I said I don't have a problem with how you handled it with him, it's how you handled it with me" I told her, If you would have texted me, "hey OM is here, just wanted to give you a heads up. I'll talk to you about it when I get home" I wouldn't have flipped. Instead I see pictures of him on your phone and text from Friend to you asking where You are. That's where the past comes back and gets me.
Couple with her being drunk and me not hearing from her. Put that all together and it brings up bad thoughts for sure. This will obviously be discussed more in morning, but now I'm exhausted. I really don't know where I stand at this moment again. This is the first time fights got physical and we are working towards reconciliation. Cani trust any if this? Do I ask her to completely cut off friendships? I've become good friends with this couple as well. This is a really sad day for me. Our 6 year anniversary is next Saturday. We moved into new house today. Wow, what a great first night to remember in this house. Sorry for the long post. Had to get it all out
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Good to rank here, too bad you didn't come here first to let it out
Well sure looks like trust issues on both sides has come up.
My thoughts are to take it to your MC office.
Don't let this get any further out of hand, you know it will only hurt both of you.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
No question I wish I would have let this go till next day. But I lost it within seconds. I have never had rage like that, it scared me. We discussed everything this morning and it was a great conversation. I just asked her to give me the details on everything and she did. She said she had a lot of anxiety about the how it would go the first time she saw him. She was really happy. Said there were no emotions or feelings and that she is glad it is out of the system and behind her. We talked about the things I need led going forward and why some of these issues with trust are still happening. It was a very productive conversation, one that will continue with MC
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
CBT how did your W react to you loosing your temper?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
She lost it right back. Yesterday when we discussed it we both realized it was a combination of alcohol, stress of moving, and the situation. The worst came out in both of us and it was learning experience. It wasnt the set back I thought It would be, it was actually a building block and stepping stone away from the past
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Just coming to kind of journal. The past couple of days I have been very disappointed me attitude and behavior. I think the fact that W hung out with OM Saturday had brought up a lot of bat emotions for me. I have gone back to "poking" her and trying to start arguments to discuss these things. This is not who I want to be. All of these things should be in the past. I do believe we when she says its all in the past, but why am I having hard time accepting this. I feel like I am having some anxiety about our marriage the last couple of days because I'm not getting the attention I want. I've even said some nasty things to her and it makes me feel bad about me when I do. I had finally got to a better place and was not bringing these thoughts up or even thinking about the much anymore. Then after she saw him its like it has brought up a lot of hurt and anger in me. The W thinks we need to meet each other. She thinks it would help me move forward like it did for her. The OM friend tells me OM respects the fact that wife ad I are back together and nothing would ever happen. I've told wife I could see myself meeting him, but its not like I want to hang out and be friends with the guy. This is only an issue became we both have become good friends with OM friends. I do want to continue to be friends with them so i do kind of feel like maybe meeting OM and putting the awkwardness in the past my help. I need to focus on the future and let go of the past. Wasting energy on te unchangable past does nothing good for the positive future. That is my plan. Time to get back to moving towards present and future
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I need to focus on the future and let go of the past. Wasting energy on te unchangable past does nothing good for the positive future. That is my plan. Time to get back to moving towards present and future
Hi cbtdad, Your plan above sounds like a great start for you. I think it's good that you recognize where you went wrong and are willing to change in order to move forward.
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Had MC appointment today. We did an extended session for 2 hours. He walked us through the events that led up to the big fight Saturday night and that followed the next couple of days. Really went through our emotions and feelings stage by stage. I told him how everything seemed to be great Sunday afternoon, but the. A lot of anxiety was building in me Monday. I am having a hard time accepting a lot of things and this has brought up a lot of bad feelings about the affair and past. I said that I feel a big problem in this is that my wife shows no empathy for me. That she shows no remorse for her actions. He asked if she was remorseful and she said no. She said bein remorseful to her is let admitting defeat and that she did something wrong. Are you kidding me?!? She said she is sorry that we had to go through all of this and all this pain, but she doesn't want to say remorseful because she feels like all of this needed to happen for us to get to where we are now. This is really hard for me to hear. The fact that she doesn't feel bad for all the hurt and anger I have is really getting to me and I'm having a hard time not blowing up about it. Also explained to MC about the fact that W is "ok" with OM now. It's not that I think she isn't past it or that she wants to be in contact with him. That doesn't worry me right now. What worries me is that she thinks that its alright and now she is ok with OM being around with other friends and stuff. I've tried to explain my concerns but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I feel like we are on a path for disaster, but I don't know how to communicate it to her because she just doesn't see it. I'm really trying to keep a cool head at the moment
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
