Building a lasting marriage 1

[TryingToDo180]

That's brilliant I'm going to keep that in case I get a chance of R our marriage

[lovethehub]

I LOVE this! Thank you so much for sharing it

[cbtdad]

JP!! Awesome find as thanks for sharing.
You may not be where you want yet, but you have come so far. It's a marathon not a sprint. Keep working on you. Never stop. Just like you shouldn't put your marriage on "cruise control", nor Should you ever out yourself in that mode.
Keep moving forward!

[jp787]

Nothing like fighting with the cell phone company to test your patience.

[jp787]

So this is where I am...

Not too long ago my W was living with my mother, since she was a WAS.

I lived at home with the kids and after 9 months I was getting used to it and the girls and I were doing our thing as best we could, it was different.

My W and I talked and we communicated more than we had our entire marriage of 20 years, now almost 21. We texted, emailed, had long talks in person and were growing, learning. I had changed, to what level, I honestly do not know, but I had changed.

I was focused on my W 200% when we interacted, nothing else was more important while we were together, talking or communicating. I learned more in the last 3 months about my W than I have in 20 years. I listened, I asked questions and I paraphrased.

My W came out of where she had gone and was back, back with me. She says it was kind of like tough love for me, that she never gave up on us, yet she lost herself. She was scared, tired, ANGRY, hurt, alone, sexually deprived and had to get out. Her leaving was her way of meeting her basic needs of surviving, it was necessary. She had a childhood of trauma, a marriage of trauma and was broken. I take a large part in the demise of our marriage, she had a part, but it was me who dug the hole and talked her into getting in to it with me, she allowed herself to get in. Yes she was at the point of leaving for good, not what she really wanted, but she had reached her turning point.

Through IC we have found out that we are both broken, that we both have no idea what a healthy marriage is like, neither of us have experience nor healthy models. We are extremely codependent, neither of us knows how to be in a relationship without the codependency.

With IC and MC and self-awareness we are learning new tools, new ways to communicate. New ways to think and see, it is foreign at times and hard to grasp.

Over the last few weeks I have changed and not in a good way. I have gone from (before BD) to being compulsive/obsessive with online porn, to (after BD) being compulsive/obsessive with getting my W back to current, compulsive/obsessive with fear. My focus is now on the fear that she will leave again, about EA with OM. I was doing what she wanted and needed and she came back, something switched and I changed my focus to the fear, which will drive her away.

I am very aware of what I am doing and have thoughts on why. My goal now is to go back to how I was a few weeks ago, to be in this 100% and not let fear run me. I need to face my fears. With that said I have found out what motivates me and it is about the only thing that will… Fear. So another goal is to find out why I seem to need to be compulsive/obsessive about something at all times and to change my motivation from fear to what I want for me.

My first real step is coming soon, as I said I changed (and I liked what I saw and felt), yet I never took a real step. I have yet to take that first step for me, so here I go. During my last IC session we talked about how I can talk and talk and talk, yet never act, most of you know this of me.

As a good friend has said more than twice, take a leap of faith.

So I am doing that.

Thanks for all who have followed me. The roller coaster is about to stop and I am going to bungee jump now…

[chasingpavements]

jp, I think it is a good starting point for you to realize where your weakness is, own it, and look for ways to overcome it. Your journey may have been a rollercoaster, as mine has been as well, and you have come such a long way. You are at a good point right now. You are working on things, working on your marriage.

I understand the fear thing. I have the same feelings. For me, I have heard so many hurtful things from my husband, like he had been 'playing along' and hadn't loved me for years. So now I am afraid that the same thing will happen again. You are right, it is like taking a leap of faith. And we all know how that dreaded limbo can be, and how difficult it is to have uncertainty.. sometimes we need to just have faith. Faith that things will all work out, one way or another.

Right now it is fear that motivates you perhaps, but perhaps there is something else that can motivate you, to move forward. Keep on living that mantra of UrWorthy's that is on your signature, and keep moving forward, letting go, and making changes.

[lovethehub]

I am very aware of what I am doing and have thoughts on why. My goal now is to go back to how I was a few weeks ago, to be in this 100% and not let fear run me. I need to face my fears. With that said I have found out what motivates me and it is about the only thing that will… Fear. So another goal is to find out why I seem to need to be compulsive/obsessive about something at all times and to change my motivation from fear to what I want for me.

JP,
Is your W aware that you know what you are doing, that you are working on overcoming it and are discussing it in IC? Be sure to keep her in the loop or you are damaging your M while you work on not damaging it.

You can do this. We all know that you can so face it head on, deal with it and move forward as a whole person.

[jp787]

LTH,
Yes she is aware, we talk about it in MC and on our own.
Thank you

[labug]

What are your compulsions?

[jp787]

Might be easier to say what they are not

It can be about anything.