My S doesn't know that I know about OM. What is the best way to handle this new development when I get back home in a couple of days?
Should I just keep my mouth shut and carry on AsIf nothing has changed? Knowing about OM doesn't really change anything anyway. It just stung when I found out although I highly suspected OM for the last few months. It did help me become more detached because now, I know that there is no immediate hope that she will want to R. Knowing that there is not immediate hope for R helps keep me moving forward with my life.
I agree with NMM. It is your choice so do what feels right for you. However, it isn't going to change things and may make them worse. She will also be very likely to misinterpret things you do as the 'new you' as manipulative (thinking you are only doing them to get her back). There will be a time where you bring it up to her, just decide carefully when you want that to be. Also, the benefit of not having thrown it right out there is that you will be able to be less emotional when you do talk about it.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I agree with NMM and LBH. Hold the horses on this one! It won’t make any difference if you bring this up now, in a week or a month.
At the same time I want to address this:
Originally Posted By: BKS
It did help me become more detached because now, I know that there is no immediate hope that she will want to R.
How do you know there’s no immediate hope?
I have seen quite a few Rs with OM/OW dissolve – if and when nobody knows so I do not see why this changes anything. I can understand if it changes your look on W but it shouldn’t change your hope! Just my 2C
All the best
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
F is right. There were times that I truly wanted to work on the M even when I was involved with OM. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is true. I didn't let him (OM) go because I didn't have much faith in things working out long-term with H at that point but I honestly wanted to work on it.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
F is right. There were times that I truly wanted to work on the M even when I was involved with OM. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is true. I didn't let him (OM) go because I didn't have much faith in things working out long-term with H at that point but I honestly wanted to work on it.
Was there any thing H could have done at that point, or did you just need your space to figure things out?
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
Thanks for the advice. I will bite my tongue on this one.
You are both right and I know saying anything about OM will not serve to bring her closer but only push her away.
I am so thankful for this site and all of its members. It helps me stay focused on DBing when all I want to do is yell and say to her, "what the Hell are you thinking". Thank you for keeping me grounded.
Our first court date regarding D is on Tuesday. I will let you know how it goes.
H everyone, I have been following along and have one comment with regards to possible confrontation or interaction with OM.
DR does not get into tactically plays much because Michelle is a fan of focusing on yourself and becoming the husband only a fool would leave. And I think I agree with that, as you all seem to.
But it is interesting to note that some other programs would have you message the OM so that he knows you are aware. This serves several purposes.
1. It can start the end of the A if OM never wanted something serious. This makes it all serious and sometimes too much for the OM.
2. It bursts the bubble they are both living in.
3. This last point is clever. Usually the wife has painted a picture of this loveless marriage to the OM to relieve his guilt. By making him aware that you love your wife and want to work it out with her, you make him wonder if everything his affair partner has told him about you and your marriage is all lies. Most OM don't have much of a consience but if he does, this could make him back off.
At the end of the day, it is your decision. I think if it were me I would wait a little and see how it plays out. Just don't let it come out in an emotional way during an argument or you may look weak and seem to consent to it as you put it.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Thanks for the reply. Very good points you are making. I have considered both of those ideas. I believe that the right thing to do at the moment is to just keep my mouth shut.
If the time arises where I think that a confrontation is warranted, I will confront them.
As of right now, I think it would do more damage than good. I still think my W is done with the M. If anything that I have done up until this point has been working to make her think twice about her decisions, I don't want to backslide on my hard fought for gains. If any gains have been made that is.
I have thought a lot about this and I am having a hard time putting it into words. When I first ended the A, I believe I was ready to make my M work, but that is easy to say now and maybe I would have needed space no matter what.
I understand how it is hard to be fully committed to someone that you cannot trust, that has just betrayed you in the worst possible way. Now, switch that around and ask yourself how easy it is for the WAS, who left because they felt they were out of options, and think about how hard it is for them to give up what they now believe is the only person who can make them happy, go back to a M that they felt was sucking the life out of them and commit 100% to a person who won't commit 100% to them because of what 'they' did. It isn't easy.
I personally do not believe you can save your M until you get to the point where you are both fully committed. You may make a little progress if only one is, or if one is half in/half out, but you will not save it.
I believe you have to be willing to take that risk. If you are there anyway, giving it half a chance, you will still be hurt if something goes wrong. If you are making the decision to stay, you need to be all in.
When H and I were in MC, I originally wanted to be there. However, I then found out that he went to a lawyer to 'find out what his rights were' and that spoke volumes to me. I spent the next 18-24 months going to counseling but I no longer cared. At that point, I started regular contact with OM again and it lasted a long time.
If you are going to try to R, you have to be willing to commit to the M and be willing to take the risk of being hurt again. Also, leaving it up to the WAS to prove that she is willing to do what it takes, not leave you again, not cheat, etc. goes back to saying that what they did is so much worse than what you did. They are also taking a risk that they will be back in the same M that they couldn't handle in the first place. It can be a vicious circle!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Thanks for the insight LTH. In you sitch did H acknowledge your fears about entering back into M that may revert back to the samr as it was? If not, would it have helped easy those fears at all?
BKS, I think your choice at this point is best. No real gains could from it at this point, though you can continue to evaluate the sitch and make choice in the future. But once that genie is out of the bottle, there is no turning back.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
Very interesting insight you for have. Thank you for that. I agree with you that it is very hard for both MLC/WAS and LBS. Both have valid thoughts and feelings as you have pointed out. My W said recently that she would not be able to withstand a financial setback that we knew was coming. She was right and now we find ourselves in D. She said, "who would want to go through that (financial trouble) again?"
I said I totally agreed with her. I understood what she was saying. Nobody wants to struggle financially. Sometimes life is that way though.
The kicker is that we are so close to a breakthrough on the job front. It seems a shame to me that we are this close and have fought so hard to get to a place where we will be financially secure, just to quit the race right before the finish line.
This is indicative of just how hard this has been for her and I totally get that. No one would give up and break up their family if they didn't truly believe that there is no other option.
I know MLC and the possible onset menopause can be a hormonal nightmare. Its like they say, some make through and some don't.
Today is our first court date regarding D. I don't think there is anything new for me to do. I will just try to stay on the high road and ride this train wreck over the cliff with her.
I will love her all the way to the end and hopefully we will find our happiness, with our without each other.
LTH, your insight is invaluable to all of us. Thank you so much and please keep posting.
NMM, you are correct. No gains at this point. The genie will stay in the bottle for now.
