Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[chasingpavements]

Going to move my previous thread over to here, to hopefully get some piecing advice on how to move forward with my H!

1st: Husband has one foot out the door!

2nd: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

3rd: Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood... Part 2

4th: Thank you my forum friends!

[chasingpavements]

Ok, here goes!
Here's my situation in a nutshell:

Had the big Bomb Drop early this year and was told that my H no longer loves me and does not have the feelings for me, as he thinks he should. Here are some of the statements that I have heard from my WAS: we married too young, the sparks just aren't there, I no longer love you, I don't know if I can imagine my future with you, I am not happy, I have been unhappy for years and kept it to myself.

He hid his unhappiness from me for years, 'playing along' and trying to work it out on his own. After the big bomb drop, of course I did everything you are not supposed to do, beg, plead, reason, bargain, guilt trip, etc. We did marriage counseling for a few months, which, ultimately, brought us to a near demise.

We ended counseling on the note of him saying that he wanted to separate. The next morning, he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay together or separate. Thus, the dreaded LIMBO! We stayed in limbo all summer long. It was an awful experience to go through. For the most part he was moody and distant, acting depressed. He seemed a million years away.

In September he told me he wanted to separate, and that he was certain. He moved in temporarily at his brother's apartment. I watched our 3 young children at home, as I am currently a SAHM. He would have a visit with them a couple evenings out of the week and on weekends.

I set some ground rules with him, like call before he heads over, etc.

I re-claimed the bedroom and moved all of his clothes out.

I had a consultation with a lawyer, and the bank, to start to get the separation agreement in order.

He had a house all lined up to start renting.

We told the children what was going on, that mom and dad needed space and time away from each other.

Then,

He told me he was re-considering working on things. He had done a lot of thinking while we are separated and talked to a few people.

A couple more weeks passed and then we had another conversation about our relationship. He is not ready to move back in quite yet. He wants to make sure we pinpoint the areas where we went wrong, and not go back to having the same problems. He says he is worried about how to go about moving forward. I am getting the impression that he is looking to me for answers on what to do next. Also, he mentioned that he is going to start IC.

Now, he wants to have another talk next week where we voice any concerns we have, and talk about what our next steps would be. I am a little worried about how this is going to go. I seriously think he is taking notes! lol. I guess that's a good sign that he is being so diligent.

In the meantime, I am going to talk to my DB coach and hopefully gain some clarity about what happens next in this process and what we should be doing.


-Cp

[chasingpavements]

stole this from my previous thread:

My question is.... when would be an appropriate time for him to move back in (assuming he wants to)? How long should we give it? Should we do some counseling before he moves back? Should we start out slowly, like he comes home on weekends for a bit? Should we start dating/going out with each other again???

I realize that we are going to have to put a lot of effort into figuring out where things went wrong in our relationship, and fixing them. We are both going to do IC. We both agree that things are going to have to change and we don't want to go back to how things were before.

Is it too soon for him to move back in?

[chasingpavements]

A couple more general questions,

Has anyone had experience with Retrouville? I didn't realize that there was a Retrouville marriage seminar close to where I live until now. Would that be a good tool to use, when trying to re-build in piecing, if H was open to the idea?? I am still kind of in DB mode.. ie/ I don't want to rush things too quickly or put too much pressure at this point. Perhaps down the road we could try Retrouville. I am still a little confused as to how this all works!! lol... I could really use some help!!

[chasingpavements]

Wondering what to do next. For so long H was in crisis while I watched him go through all sorts of things. It has certainly been a rollercoaster.

I held out hope for so long that he would change his mind and want to work on things.

Then, we separated and I let go.

Moved on.

Didn't look back. Dropped the rope!

Now he is looking to work things out between us. Now I am the confused one.



Any thoughts or encouragement would gladly be appreciated.

-cp

[FlyOnTheWall]

Hey CP,

I think you need to really be open to listening to his complaints, after all its how he feels, whether they're justified or not, its just a step in the process that lets him feel his voice is being heard.

Next, I think you really need to let the counseling process play out or your going to be right back to square one. Hopefully he gets a good pro marriage counselor to talk with.

Its also important that the validation continues, so he feels more inclined to open up to you in the future. Not keep holding back. I think about you often, and am proud of the way you've hung in there. But you know the real work is about to start.

I certainly cant give you advice on how to proceed, except to be patient in the process. All indicators are positive, so be happy with progress. I'm sure there will still be tough days ahead, and for a while it still may be a two steps forward one back, but forward is forward. Please don't rush to just be a couple again until both your lines of communication are open, and open freely.

Hopefully the positive news keeps flowing. Stay positive!!

[Ambivalent]

Chasing, I can't wait to hear what your coach rec.s . You are a bit further along than I. My H. is sending out feelers...

" It's interesting that physical touch was high on both of our lists and we did so little of it with each other.
It's something that we will have to make an effort to change if we are going to put our marriage back together."

Fly gave you AWESOME feedback...I'm going to post it on my thread to read over and over!

Good luck and keep sharing <3

[chasingpavements]

I think you need to really be open to listening to his complaints, after all its how he feels, whether they're justified or not, its just a step in the process that lets him feel his voice is being heard.

Yes, I agree. I am going to validate, and just listen. I am actually quite curious to see what he thinks. By the sounds of it, he has done quite a bit of reflection lately and has come up with some reasons where he thinks we went wrong. I am going to let him take the lead with the conversation and go from there.

Next, I think you really need to let the counseling process play out or your going to be right back to square one. Hopefully he gets a good pro marriage counselor to talk with.

For sure counseling has to be involved. I am going to see if he will do MC, although I don't know if I should push the issue? I just feel like we need the pros to handle this! lol. Apparently we have not done so well in the past with our discussions so I feel we need a MC to help!!!

Its also important that the validation continues, so he feels more inclined to open up to you in the future. Not keep holding back. I think about you often, and am proud of the way you've hung in there. But you know the real work is about to start.

Yes, I agree. He has shut down in the past and I worry he will do that again. I would like him to open up to me more often so I know how he's feeling.
Thanks Fly. I think of you often too, and so glad that we were able to help each other on here. And of course I am here if you need me as well.

I certainly cant give you advice on how to proceed, except to be patient in the process. All indicators are positive, so be happy with progress. I'm sure there will still be tough days ahead, and for a while it still may be a two steps forward one back, but forward is forward. Please don't rush to just be a couple again until both your lines of communication are open, and open freely.

Slow and steady wins the race. I am going to take it slow and not rush into things. I will need to know that he is 100% committed before we move forward with things. I need to protect myself emotionally from getting hurt again.

In a way I am nervous and excited right now, although I will try not to get too excited. What a journey this has all been. In a way I am glad that I have gone through this, as it has helped me realize how strong I am, and helped me grow as a person. I am back to that place where I know either way things will be fine.

[chasingpavements]

Hi Ambivalent, thanks for stopping by! My LL is also PT.. unfortunately right now that is an area we are lacking in!

peace,
-cp <3

[chasingpavements]

Posting this information that I stumbled across regarding 'VALIDATING', for reference,

How can we communicate validation? Let me run down some practical approaches:

1. Good eye contact

2. Body turned toward the speaker

3. Relaxed and focused, not fidgety & impatient

4. Let them speak without interruption.

5. Avoid jumping in to correct, defend and/or explain yourself. Just listen!

6. Physcially acknowledge what they are saying (nod, lean forward) and/or verbally acknowledge (checking in with an "OK", "Uh-huh", or "yes" at appropriate times.)

7. Acknowledge their feelings ("Mary, you're really irritated that I forgot the garbage? I understand that could irritate you." "You told me you're hurt and I hear it in your voice." "You're frustrated about your job? It sounds like it frustrates you!")

8. Respond with empathy and remorse. ("I am so sorry our situation has caused so much pain for you." "I can see that I have done some things to cause much of your anger right now. I am sorry." "I am beginning to understand how important [source of her anger/pain] was to you. It was insensitive of me not to see this earlier.")

9. Asking questions in response to what was said. ("I just heard you say I made you angry. I'd like to understand, so could tell me more how I did that?" "I see you're upset and I'd really like to know what happened for you to feel this way?")

I hope this is a helpful start. In Michele's "Keeping Love Alive" series, she reviews more completely how to communicate well with each other. It would be very helpful and I'd recommend it!

Hopefully I can work on validating, stop being so defensive, and just listen.