I posted this in the newbie section but would also like some advice on the best way to apply the 180 technique to my situation. Any help is greatly appreciated!
Here is my story: My wife and I met 4+ years ago. After 1 year of dating, she moved in with me, a year later we were engaged and year after that we were married and bought a house together. We moved very quickly with a lot of these steps. Throughout that time our relationship was good and bad. She would try to be flirty with me and I would push her away. I really wish I didn’t do that then. It wasn’t always like that though, but I now know there wasn’t consistent intimacy in our relationship. There were a lot of challenging things going on in our life during this time with her going through 3 jobs that she hated and her finding out she was infertile. There was so much stress on our relationship and it all started to boil over when we moved into our new house. Now, after living in our new house for 2 months and just before our 1 year wedding anniversary, my wife says she wants to separate. We had been fighting a lot off and on and things were at a bad spot, so something needed to be done. At the time, I wasn't sure her leaving the situation was a good thing. I wanted us to go to counseling and try to work on things. Her reasoning was that we couldn’t communicate and we didn’t have any of the non-sex intimacy in our relationship. We went forward with the separation (I even helped her move into her parent’s apartment). At first, we started going out on dates once a week and things went really well, she said she was starting to miss me again. At that point I pushed for us to see each other more and this pushed her away and we began arguing again. She pulled away completely at this point. About a month ago, without telling me, she ended all communication and would not respond to my texts and phone calls. This was like a shot in the heart. The more she pulled away, the more I kept asking her more and more to talk about things and see each other. I turned into a crazy person. I started having crazy anxiety and couldn’t sleep. We went out to lunch one day and she said that we are so different and that she is not sure she can ever get over the resentment she has. She is saying extreme things like we never had intimacy and she can never get over these things. I have read that I shouldn’t take a lot of things she is saying to heart right now because she is so hurt and full of resentment. When we had lunch, she would not say she wanted a divorce, she said everything but the d-word. It was almost as if she wanted me to handle it but I told her, it is not what I want. I told her that this relationship was important to me and that I saw more of the great times we had together and was willing to put in the work to get us back there and that I wanted to give her everything she always wanted that I didn’t give her before. I understand now that by pushing her and not being patient wasn’t the right decision and now I am trying very hard to use the 180 technique. I think she may be trying to use this technique on me right now, but since we really don’t talk about our relationship right now, I don’t know for sure. During the separation, I read the Divorce Busting Book. This has helped me get a perspective on what I should do. We haven’t spoken in 3 days, which is a lot for me, considering each day feels like an eternity not speaking to her. I definitely believe our relationship can be great again and it hard to explain, but we have done so many great things together and I don’t feel that she trusts her emotions enough right now to pull the trigger on a divorce. This gives me hope but I want to handle things patiently and take things slow, but saying that is easy said. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I also have one question. Her birthday is next weekend, should I text her happy birthday if I am currently practicing the 180 technique? I feel like I should, but am not sure.
You said that you read DB and you know what to do.
Write down what that is here.
What are you small obtainable goals?
As far as the happy birthday, what did you normally do for her birthday? Is this more of the same or is it different?
Stop expecting one thing to turn the switch and change your relationship. That is not going to happen. It took a while to get to this point and it will take a lot of work to change.
Are you ready for that or do you think that a trick is going to FIX this?
Cadet, Thank you for the response. Yes, after reading DB, I gained a perspective on the things that I have been doing wrong in our relationship. First and foremost, I decided to work on myself. One of our biggest problems was that we got away from the two individuals that we are and when you are not happy as an individual, you won't be in a happy relationship. I am focusing on doing things that make me happy, be a more positive, patient person. I have always been a very fit person, but I recently had shoulder surgery and was unable to workout regularly, so now I am focusing on exercising everyday and it feels great. Patience was one of my big problems and something I really want to work on, so now I meditate every day, do yoga every other day, and read at night before bed. These things have helped me tremendously. I also go to a therapist for anxiety, which I feel is getting much better. I have brought my focus on what I need to do to be the person that she fell in love with when we met and I no longer worrying about where she is and what she is doing. That was what was so hard at first. I told her that I am willing to give her the time and space that we both need and I am now starting to see the benefit from that.
We hadn't talk for four days up until yesterday and almost immediately after writing my post, she texted me telling me that she hopes I am doing well and to have a great weekend. Considering she hasn't initiated conversation in a long time, this was definitely a positive. I think she is starting to notice that I am making changes for the positive and I know that it will take some time to repair the hurt and resentment that she has, but any progress is good.
As far as saying happy birthday, I have always gotten her gifts, flowers and taken her out to dinner on her birthday. After her reaching out to me yesterday, I think it is appropriate to just send her a happy birthday text on her birthday. At this point, I think anything more would look a little desperate on my part.
I am absolutely ready to put in the time and effort it will take to get my relationship back to where it should be. The 180 technique is very difficult at first, but being strong and sticking with it makes you feel very good about yourself. I am surrounding myself with my friends and family, who are very supportive of me, so that also takes my mind off of it. I truly believe that she wants to see these changes in me and wants me back but it will take time for her and she has to be able to trust me to let her guard down again. I don't think I ever truly understood women and now I am beginning to see a lot of the things that I took for granted about her that I shouldn't have and also how much I hurt her by my actions.
I want these new habits to be permanent changes and doing things that work in my relationship as explained in DB. I am also trying to change my way of thinking to a more positive person, by catching any negative thoughts that I have and questioning them. This process will be daunting but I believe I am up to it.
