I'm so glad I found your thread. Very similar stuff!!
"I came home and H was concerned. I told him the truth. I struggle to be close to him when I get these triggers. I'm not angry. I'm trying to take care of myself."
Oh god, this is me. My H sees my face and will ask and ask until I tell him. It's one part "I take care of me" and another part "I don't want to throw guilt at him"
I am "in love" with my H again, as he is with me. But, sometimes even when ML, I'll have a trigger.
From this day forward, and one day at a time really help me. My wall comes up when I feel him pull away or have a trigger. So hard to keep from erecting that dang wall...
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I'm so happy to be back and read up on some of my old buddies, especially to know how great you are all doing on your journey.
I miss you guys and just needed some time to sort things out before coming back. As I write this I feel the lower half of my face going numb. It tends to happen when I have stress. WHat am I stressed about???
I've been to 2 meetings in the past week. I usually go to more but I let other things get in the way. I'm journaling and trying to work my program as best I can and hope to get back to my routine meetings again, starting tomorrow. Other than that...
H and I are doing much better. So much better than 3mos ago when we were barely starting to reconcile. My triggers aren't as bad, thank GOD! I think they were so bad because I thought it would never get better. It has and he has helped.
We tried going to a MFT but he wasn't at all helpful. I think we do a better job on our own. Al Anon helps me out a lot and it helps our reconciling as well. I continue to go to my IC but again, Al Anon helps me out so much more. It works if you work it!
If there are any problems I could bring up about this point in reconciling is the issues with his friends. Before the affair they were our friends. I considered the wives of his friends my friends so I was very hurt when they stopped talking to me during the sitch. H said he told them to stop talking to me.(as if that would make me feel better). I told him they were being loyal to him but what about me? How can I have a friendship with these people again?
We have gone out with them a few times recently and I am not rude but not engaging. I treat them like acquaintances. I laugh and interact in conversations but I'm not engaging. KWIM?
Anyway, I don't feel comfortable with them. H kept excusing it by saying it was all his fault but then the other night one of the women apologized to me. "Vero I'm so sorry but you know sh1t happens." She was buzzed and I ignored it. I brought it up to H to reaffirm that it's not just his fault but she admitted to her part in it. He took it upon himself to say that we won't be getting together with them as often as we had these past few weeks.
I could tell he was affected by his decision but I was ignoring my feelings and trying to work on the marriage by going out with them. It made me feel as if I wasn't respecting myself.
Aside from all that my kids are doing great. I can see D2s relationship with her dad growing and S5 idolizes H. He always says he wants to be just like him. Oh brother... lol
H is a great dad and we're doing so much better at coparenting. We have respect for each other. That sums it up.
In the issues of love/lovemaking and all that it needs work but it's microbaby steps. There is progress.
BTW: Remember way back when H got his tattoo. He was so excited about it and I was so not. I associated it with the sitch. Recently he said (without me saying anything about it) that his tattoo was a regret since it reminds him of how messed up he was during that time. He says he gets this nauseous feeling anytime he remembers the affair because of how he regrets it.
I don't bring up my past resentments from the sitch. What for? It stirs the pot. I don't want to stir the pot. With time he has learned about things that have made him feel even more remorse. I don't need to bring it up. I can only imagine how much his realization of all this has hurt his self esteem. How he sees himself.
I'm not one to write to Virgina or MWD and give them my success story because I don't see it as a success just a story. It's been so hard that I don't want to sugarcoat it. 30% of marriages survive infidelity for a reason. I would like to think I'm in that category but I should wait about 4-7years (when they say you recover from the affair) in order to consider our relationship saved.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Sweet 2chiq- Iam so happy to read your update. I have felt similar feelings as you on this journey especially in regard to the kids. So it makes me happy to read that your family is doing well and that you are continuing your own journey of introspection and reflection.
I have had a similar experience of H's friends wives who 'took sides' and have not contacted me since the sitch began. I recently came to terms with it. I heard the same phrase ''sh'!t happens' ( witch I do not like) and realised they were probably not mean when they 'dumped' me but simply didn't know how to cope. And they were not my real friends anyway. They are H's friends and think they are gig hi the support he needs. Its fine. We know who are friends are and they are there for us.
Just don't let it phase you too much. You know more than I do it's not a reflection on you.
Your story inspires me. Your honesty and struggles inspire me. You are true to yourself. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Keep going 2chiq.
Xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
V, you are such a fine example of the work this path takes. But then, every path takes work. I know for me before BD, I wasn't doing the work I should have been, now I've had to work OT to catch up.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm glad you are allowing your feelings to be there, but not necessarily acting on them. This is good work on your end!
I know it's hard but try to work on trying to seeing it from your H's friends perspective. All of "our" friends chose me instead of X. I actually had very little to do with that decision...and my gut would be to defend them if I had to. But they are big girls and boys and are responsible for their own actions.
Your H doesn't have that mindset yet. Make it safe for him to get there.
As you know this comes through validating and understanding. You absolutely do not have to agree with their decisions, but if you can learn to understand it and accept it that for whatever reason it happened, the understanding leads to validation which leads to healing.
Keep moving forward Vero. Hope to see you soon!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It's been a long time. I hope you are doing well. Post when you can...
(((((vero)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I got teary-eyed when I saw you lovely ladies posts! I miss you guys so much!! I hope you are going to have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving! PULL OUT THE CHAMPAGNE!!! We have so much to be thankful for!
This year I decided I am not going to my mother in law's or anyone else's house for the holidays. I am spending it at home with my kids and H. Tomorrow at noon my mom, bro and SIL and their little bitty butterball baby are coming over. For dinner, H n I are taking the kids to eat Chinese! I live in an Asian community so there are a ton of restaurants open on the holidays! I am so excited. This will be the first Thanksgiving EVER! that I don't dread!
I am looking forward and trying not to look back however I had a violent episode a couple days ago...
I have a serious fear of the gym. I don't want to go because it reminds me of the affair for many reasons. I have recently built up the courage to go to one because the layout is different from all the other one's and I have good memories of this particular gym. I was planning on going and dropping of D2 at their Kids Klub while S5 is at school. Well H said that we don't have KK at that gym for x n y reason. I felt the fear coming back. He kept asking me what's wrong and since the kids were with us in the kitchen I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He kept insisting...
I said, that means I have to go the other gym that I've been avoiding. H said, what's the problem? I said, I don't want to talk about it. He could tell I was getting choked up and continued asking. I told him I don't want to go because it reminds me of the affair. Then he said, (OW) never went to THAT gym. And that's when I relived BD. I fell to the floor and sobbed uncontrollably.
He told me to stop because the kids were freaking out. I tried but I couldn't stop. It was like a door opened up and a wave of hurtful emotions took over. He picked me up and took me to the bedroom and closed the door cuz I couldn't walk. I was reacting almost EXACTLY to how I reacted the first time it hit me he had left me for someone else. The only difference was I was able to stop crying sooner this time than 2 1/2 yrs ago.
Once I had recollected myself, I went to my kids and hugged them. They were so scared. When it happened S5 was hitting H and all day was asking me if I was still sad. He kept hugging me and kissing me. I comforted him and told him that I was much better and that I cried because I was sad. When he would ask me why I was sad I told him that I felt the same way he felt when he didn't want to come home from a play date.
It took me a full day to fully recover. The rest of the day I stayed home and did absolutely nothing. Next day I woke up and told myself I was going to move on from this and see it as a sign of growth.
It was difficult on us and H n I haven't talked about it...yet. I heard him sniffling which I assumed was him crying but that's it. It's true when people say that recovering from infidelity is 2 steps forward 1 step back.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
