When amicable makes you want to scream

[labug]

You're mindreading, that will keep you stuck. Stop making stories up in your mind and then you react based on that.

There could be many reasons why he didn't call.

[Underdog]

Bug,

You beat me to the punch! Thanks!

Muse, you gotta get out of the habit of focusing on HIM. Stop it!

It's Friday night. You're a new woman. You gotta employ the new woman thinking. I'll help, since I'm eating my yummy taco salad in front of the baseball game (my perfect evening sans kids):

1. You don't sit around on a Friday night. Or at least admit that. A new age woman does NOT sit around and pine away next to the phone. Go to the mall. You know they sell movie tickets individually, right?

2. You start reconnecting with your girlfriends. You know, the ones who took a backseat when you got married? You make plans earlier in the week to get a social life. What's that hot yoga for anyway? Oh yeah, so you feel good about you.

3. If they can't do it, paint your house. Scrap book. Make Christmas presents. Go to farmers markets. Take French cuisine classes. Learn how to do woodworking.

Get busy with your GAL stuff. For goodness sake, stop looking at his train wreck and drop the expectations! Change this stuff up now!

Discover and celebrate the individual you were before him... You'll feel better about yourself no matter what happens. It's liberating. And damned attractive in a person.

Now, what's the plan for the rest of the weekend?

Betsey

P.s. It better not include anything with your H....

[labug]

Think of all those things you've wanted to do and maybe just weren't H's cup o'tea.

I started riding my bike more, started a yoga, meditation practice (what a gift) have gone on trips, big and small, retreats, overfilled my garage with furniture to repurpose...

And going to the movies by yourself is the greatest but don't go on a date night, at least not yet. I love going by myself, matinees are fun.

If you like group things, check out Meet-up.

Just get out there!

[Muse]

Ok, I can post the good I do, I had better be able to post the bad.

I called him. I know i know. Bad idea.

He forgot, and when he realized it, he felt guilty and blew up. I didn't help. He made me cry. He threw a lot of unjust things at me, twisted words I hadn't even uttered and told me I was callng him a liar. (I hadn't) He said he was "out" because I had made him choose in or out (I hadn't), and that he felt that every time he spoke to me I was begging him to come home (I'm not I swear).

He calmed down, we spoke for a bit, he apologized for his harsh words and then we had a conversation mostly about he feels, and how maybe he is taking things the wring way He would like for us to talk further, he offered to come by this morning, but I said no I need a day to get my thoughts together. So, he said, if I want, he will make time for me on Sunday and we can talk then.

I think I undid all the hard work I had done in this last week. It was stupid.

Ok. Back to square one I guess.

I'm heading out for the day with a girlfriend, then there is beer and applies planned. Tomorrow I am drywalling and hopefully painting. We have a four level home, and tore out the third level last year to renovate into a living space for our D. No movies this weekend, I am going to try and keep my mind elsewhere.

Dammit. I want to change, that last night was exactly what I didn't want, it's how I have reacted in the past (except I would have yelled back, instead of quietly spoken, I would have hurled nasty things back, I didn't.....come to think of it, when I didn't fight dirty, the fight ended in about 5 minutes)

Ok.....keep busy....no more waiting and every time I want to call him, I am going to do 10 squats. I should have a backside of steel in about a week.

[Pudmuddle]

Muse,

It's a hard thing to not let your emotions get the best of you in times like this. This is very hard for me as well, something I am trying to retrain. There were times when the only way I could get any reaction out of my H was to be highly emotional. So you backslid, eh, we all do.

Just go back and reread your post and notice all the very positive things that you did regarding your behavior and reactions. I saw a LOT of positives. Hang tough!

[Underdog]

Muse,

Well, I'm not going to give you a free pass on your backslide. They happen, and you're going to have to put your big girl pants on now and deal with the fallout.

You're not going to like this, but there is a good chance he apologized because you didn't react, but I'd venture a guess that it rang hollow with you. It did with me. I recognize this path well. He did it to alleviate his guilt.

Let me spell it out for you. You really don't want a broken, guilty man back. He's broken, and you're not doing your part to help matters. You call him to manage YOUR anxiety. You have to find another outlet to do that. You'll never win the war if you continue to make these kind of backslides.

Now you get to see how long it takes to get back the ground you lost today.

Squats sound like a good plan if you want buns of steel. But you should make a list of other things that make YOU happy to occupy your time. If the drywall is what you need to do, go for it.

For the record, I'm glad you didn't slam him. That IS progress. But understand he's not going to see that. Right now he's grading you on the bigger stuff. Bigger stuff with higher stakes.

Pud this goes for you too. You're both old and wise enough to learn from mistakes and be the bigger person. If you really want to get another chance, you're going to have to earn it. The hard way. Restraint is something you can do... You're not impulsive little girls anymore.

Sorry for the spanking. I just want you to succeed. You have to help yourselves.

Be good! :-)

Betsey

[Pudmuddle]

UD,

I really dislike this line "you're going to have to put your big girl panties"<--it is so overused, lol.

Anyhoo, yes that's exactly why we are here because we run on emotions right now and are retraining our minds. Impulses run strong when emotions are high. I feel like it was being invalidated and we have a right to eff up and make mistakes. So we messed up, we learn, we grow. My point was so she messed up, now move forward.

Thanks for the post. Pud

[Muse]

I really appreciate the you did it, move on AND the you messed up, now grow up and deal with it posts! I really do. I know I messed up. And I know it's going to take weeks if not longer to make up that ground again.

I stayed at my girlfriends house last night. I turned off my phone and just enjoyed wine (and whine lol) with her. It was good for me, and got me regrounded.

Guess who just popped by 15 minutes ago to say hi and see how I am?

I didn't utter one word about our R, S or M. I really didn't know what to say, so I pasted a smile on my face and let him lead the conversation, while we had tea.

I do believe he left here a little puzzled. I can't get in trouble if I say nothing right? But I was cheerful.

Interestingly though, he did not refer to his friends place as home, but as "Joe's place." For 54 days it has been "home," and he has been sure to hammer me with that so that I understand our house is no longer home.

I have learned my lesson, I won't let my anxiety get the better of me again. I'm a little bit humbled right now. I will make sure this lesson sticks.

Just being able to write this stuff here is good!

[Underdog]

I'm glad you saw the love in my spanking. I was here long ago and can see the potholes and obstacles a little more clearly from this perspective.

I screwed up plenty too. I don't know if my backslides we're the reason my XH chose not to give me a second chance. So I don't want you to have to wonder the same thing. I had 2 years until he filed... You may not have that long.

Puzzled is good. At least for now. What you need right now is time and consistently good behavior and words. You can do this, Muse. I can see that you want to learn. Really. So if I see the spiral again beforehand, I'll try to yell "Danger, Will Robinson!" before you shoot yourself in the foot. I know it's tempting to want to have things go your way more often. I really do. But in his eyes, you've already been in charge. He wants a turn with the reins now.

Pud, that cliche may be overused, but the other option was to use the lingo from hanging around volleyball coaches for the past 8 years. That wouldn't have been as nice. Muse got the drift. And I hope you do too.

Muse, my XH still calls my house home. He's been gone 10+ years, and we've been divorced for 8. I still kind of wonder why... I could understand if he was renting somewhere, but he isn't. I think at some level his heart is still here. Even if he's had a GF for 2 years. You just can't get caught up in mind reading. It doesn't serve a purpose, and it also doesn't get you closer to him.

Which is the whole point of being here, right? You want to do and say things that draw him closer to you. Make that your mantra with every thing you do.

Cheering for you!

Betsey

[Muse]

So as of today, we are on very polite and professional communication. But I get it, it's going to take a few weeks to begin to regain any ground.

Today I received a text asking me bout my day and if an expected package arrived.

I didn't see it until an hour later, when I noticed that he had also called twice.

I responded by text that I had had a good day and yes the package arrived.

He said, yay, will be by tomorrow to pick it up.

I have not responded, and am unsure if I should. I am also unsure if I have been too available and should try to not be here tomorrow? I can go to yoga, or take the dog to the park.

I do not want to make another mistake!