I ended that post done. Ready to quit last night. W had texted me awesome pics of the step-kids, and joked and teased with me. It was a great exchange and I messed it up by going into relationship talk and she immediately clammed up. She initiated the contact, kept the conversation going, and I believe it's those types of little steps that are gonna bring her back. But if I keep taking it into R talk, she's going to stop those.
I believe 100% she doesn't want divorce; she won't even say it herself. She's backing into because she sees no other option but being forced to stay in a relationship that she is scared we'll mess up, even though she'll readily admit she loves me, and not the ILYB kind of love.
I told her I had filed a continuance on our divorce because I wasn't getting any response from her - she had refused to consider a continuance to give us more time. When I told her, I cringed expecting the backlash, but instead I just got "Ok". Tells me that she's in no rush...
I'm so tired of the back and forth, and it's only been a month since I signed back on here! It's revealed to me that my patience is sorely lacking, and I need to man up. That's why this new thread is called "Digging In".
Glad you're still here Jon. From other posts on this forum it seems that some have figured out how to keep DBing while getting off the emotional roller coaster. I am not there yet. But the support here does help. Even if you can't control your emotions, you can control your actions, I know you can! Do what works!
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Love the article Jon. Nice she had the foresight to be calm and cool in the very beginning, something so many of us wish we had upfront. I loved her responses.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Yep, I have been re-reading it over and over - trying to almost memorize. I have been responding too emotionally; forcing myself on the roller coaster. The last week of being almost dark helped clear my head immensely.
This morning, W called me three times; I waited 20 minutes then called her back as I was going into work so it'd have to be a short conversation. Apparently she had texted me, and my cell provider is having an issue, and they didn't come through. She then said she had to go because she was at work, so sort of a weird convo. Didn't even tell me what the texts were for. Oh well, I got work to do!
Jon this is difficult. We talk about the WAS being on an emotional roller coaster and their "script," but we do the same, we're up and down, we all say the same things in the beginning. Work on you for awhile, let her do whatever she needs to do right now. Go dark, really, because that's the space you need to figure yourself out. That doesn't mean you don't respond to texts or questions, you just do it in as few words as possible.
You're on her roller coaster because you react from an emotional place to everything she does or says. You mindread a lot, work on that for the next week or so. Every time you start to make up a story in your mind about what she's doing or what her words or actions mean, stop it. It's sounds simple but it's not however, it can be done. You have to commit to doing it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So W dropped off the updated dissolution paperwork today. We did talk a little bit about R. It's so weird to me that she still says she loves me, says she wants to be in a happy marriage, says she knows divorce is wrong - but still pressing divorce.
I did have my attorney file a blanket denial to her case - this will actually extend things by quite awhile.
This is a little mindreading, but I have waited a couple of weeks to observe: I really think W is starting to lose her standing - the theme she has had was that I was all to blame and I'm a bad guy, you know the script. She even said for like two months that just because I was "nice" now didn't change things - but I think she's realizing that things are permanently different. So I think she is pushing the divorce before she realizes that she has nothing to stand on, and really has to look hard at herself. End mindreading.
She even said today, "If we get back together, then we'll need to change some things with the kids." I told her, "I know you're worried about that, but that's months down the road, let's just worry about what we can handle today. If we try to figure it out all right now, we'll just drive ourselves crazy."
You've been apart over a month and you still haven't been dark one bit.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Part of being dark is being mysterious and being disinterested in her game. By having that conversation you've confirmed to her that you are still on her hook and that she has some power over you.
If you have to have a conversation, just seem distant and somewhat bored, keep it short and just business.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
