I'll admit, todY I wanted to call him up and let him have it. I didn't. Instead I had the conversation in my head, got mad, got upset, It felt good to put my feelings into words, say them aloud and then tried to let it all go.
He called me after work, just to see how my day was. I was surprised to hear from him. He sounded "warm". And instead of the usual brush off of, " I'll talk to you later," he said, "Good, I just wanted to check up on you.....and I will check up on you tomorrow"
He's practically telling you that he's watching and okay coming around to this different you. Make it comfortable to be around you and your D.
As long as you keep the mantra "NO EXPECTATIONS" you will be okay. Don't expect nice guy to come around for good. He's testing you. So drop that rope and just continue doing your Musey things.
I think I read this 10x last night. No matter how much Counselling I've done, nothing tells me the how to, of working things out. I love my counselor, he's awesome and he helps me work on issues, but the step by step of solution oriented results has evaded me.
And as funny as this may be, I have dealt with horses (from evil ponies to big warmbloods) most of my life. I applied everything I knew about horses to being a parent, my D is a great kid. And now I am using it, and the practicality of what i am learning here, to how I think about my M and how to try and get it going in the direction I would like it to go.
It may sound strange but calm, patience, never chase, reward any small step in the direction you want to go, are the foundations of building trust and a bond, with a partner (horse or otherwise I guess).
Let's see if he calls today, and let's see if he remembers the movie on Sunday.
Betsey has given you great advice and I couldn't agree more with this: That being said, it is imperative (and I cannot stress this enough), that you stifle any negative reactions to jerkiness. If you have to comment on stuff that hurts, just say "OUCH". And walk away.
You're working on a new R, you don't want the old one back so reacting as you had in the past will only get you the old R. This has been the most difficult part of my H and I working out way back to each other, dialing down my emotions, turning off my mouth and turning on my brain.
That's why time and space is your friend. Use it wisely.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think your horse analogy is absolutely perfect. Be as patient with him as you are with your four legged friends.
Bug is absolutely, 100% correct that you don't want that old R with him. It's what drove him to leave. The new you is going to be patient and understanding. Sounds like you're already like this with your D, so why not him?
Quote:
but the step by step of solution oriented results has evaded me
LOL, I totally understand!
I don't know if this is your kind of thing, but I'm typically an uber organized person. I like the mechanics of "IF THIS, THEN THAT". I often find that although I don't see the answers while I'm going through things, I can see them clearly when reading them later.
Laurie (my DB coach) had me keep a solutions journal. I would keep track of what I did and any reactions (my XH and my girls), neutral, negative or positive. THEN things became crystal clear to me. It became so helpful, because then I could clearly see how much my backslides cost me. If you want to know measurements, it typically cost me 2 weeks to regain the ground that I lost by screwing up and reverting to my previous behaviors. Oh yeah, my #1 behavior in screwing up was to call him up and ream him for whatever pissed me off. Which was pretty much everything. I laid the guilt on, and then we had a Mexican standoff for the 2 weeks. I hated losing that time and momentum, and I most hated that I was reinforcing to him his belief that I would never change.
It didn't mean that he didn't need to change too. But your H and my XH were the ones that left, so that means they are going to be the most critical of the entire process.
MAKE THE MOST OUT OF EVERY INTERACTION YOU HAVE.
Once I committed myself to eliminating those backsliding behaviors, I gained ground quickly. And it became easier to do. It helped me in my other Rs as well, especially at work. Because I became much better at listening to what others told me, I stopped trying to prove I was right. (Besides, that's exhausting. As well as boring. Who wants to be with someone who's always right?)
You might think this is funny, but I had to DB my D19 this summer. Our R has changed since she left home, and I was lamenting it. One of my pals down in surviving reminded me that I had the skills to get us out of that pattern. Who'd have thunk? And why didn't I think of that first? Once I did, she worked on her end, and we're back to being close.
So these skills translate well to every R you have. They're good for you. Just like broccoli.
BTW, if he doesn't remember the movies on Sunday, zip the lip! This is your 180, right? Don't punish him. Remember the horse.
Go you!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
You're welcome. I come back because I dig your attitude and analogy skills. You get it, and you're seeing results from your efforts. I admire that in a person.
No matter what happens, Muse, you're going to come out fine.
Keep on keepin' on!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I am going to assume this is where the testing part comes in. H usually calls me right after work....that was three hours ago...no call. I went to Hot Yoga...still no call.
A. He doesn't want to talk to me B. He forgot C. Fell asleep D. Busy
They all fall under, "beyond my control."
I'm NOT calling him!
I post on this thread, not just to get advice but because I can pour out my insecurities here, and hopefully take away some of their power, so that I don't do stupid stuff.
I really want to change. I don't want to be that angry person anymore. I don't want to be that wife who calls and b***hes at her husband at work.
But dammit, it hurts when I am brushed off or just a side note to him. It hurts to think he forgot about me.
