When amicable makes you want to scream

[hotwheelsaust]

[quote=labug]You're not an idiot, this is your path, use it for the greater good.

My H was always very polite after the BD and said many of the same things your H is saying. He also had an unbreachable wall, occasionally a brick would loosen and he would quickly patch it up. He was a champion at going dark, no personal contact, would only communicate by email (kids), only saw me f2f when he absolutely had to.

Give him the space he needs and more. /quote]



I have to second everything labug said, it is exactly what my W does.

[Muse]

Our family a regency had a very poor outcome. My husband doesn't deal well with this stuff (stuff it in a box and never think about it again)and essentially ran away to hide (with his friends). He came by this morning, made me tea while I was in the shower and he opened up.

He had actually thought about his reaction, and while it maybe won't change, he talked to me about it. We had a really nice talk, nothing about our M, or issues, but just talked. He told me about the stupid things a coworker was doing, i told him some of my work silliness.

As he was getting ready to go, I said, this was really nice, he said, yeah when we're not fighting, I really like this too.

He said he would come by tomorrow or Tuesday (I didn't ask) and I then offered to cook a family dinner on Tuesday. He said he would really like that.

As many times as I keep slipping, I like to think I am learning.

I spent sometime with a very skittish horse today. I was told that no one is able to catch him except his owner. I was patient, kind, held no expectations and rewarded every step towards me. It took me about 10 minutes to get him to stop eyeing me with suspicion, relax and let me close. I had never met this horse before. Behind me I could hear Nother woman say, "Oh wow, he is never this trusting."

Probably a bad analogy, but it occurs to me, that instead of chasing the horse around the field, yelling and demanding, kindness and patience did it.....maybe if I turn that processor how I interact with my H, I wonder what results I will see?

My big things right now:
-Listen more than I speak
-No expectations....this is hard...but I am slowly improving
-Patience
-Kindness

[JayMan]

I like this analogy - not that H is a horse, but I read somewhere else that someone gave a similar analogy about getting a squirrel to eat out of your hand. If you sit perfectly still, they'll start to look at you, and slowly wonder over - if you flinch, they'll run back to the tree. If you chase, they'll run UP the tree.

Good thoughts.

[Underdog]

Hey Muse,

Sorry it's been awhile - I was out of town and just got back. Glad you updated and others chimed in with good observations.

Animals lash out when they are hurt and want to be left alone. Even if he deliberately says stuff that is mean and meant to hurt, try to resist the urge to become the victim. Instead, go really low key and maybe say, "Ouch" and then walk away. Come here if you want some sympathy.

And that advice lends itself well with your goals:

My big things right now:
-Listen more than I speak
-No expectations....this is hard...but I am slowly improving
-Patience
-Kindness

Backtracking:

maybe if I turn that processor how I interact with my H, I wonder what results I will see?

Exactly!

Back to your goals... a friend once told me that God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth so we'd do twice as much listening as talking. I think that's a really wise concept. Going a little further, when the water is safe enough for you to dip a toe in, maybe encourage his musings and allow him to speak freely. Tell yourself that you're information gathering and don't react. You might be surprised.

Patience and kindness go a LONG way in healing. Go with this. Set out to make every communication with him positive and meaningful. By doing this, you'll be showing him you can change. As I always tell people, don't tell me stuff. SHOW me stuff. Words are cheap.

Good luck! And good job!

Betsey

[Muse]

Ok. Having an attack of nerves. Today is my H's Bday. When he said he would come by for dinner, I reminded him of that fact...he said he would like to spend it with us.

I bought all the ingredients for one of his favourite meals, bought a small present (something he needs and would never spend $$$ to buy himself), cleaned the house, put on some makeup (which I have been doing a lot lately anyways) and put on something pretty.

I look good, the house looks good, and dinner is going to be GOOD!

Now here is where the panic comes in...did I do too much? Am I going overboard? Am I over thinking this? Should I throw some dirt around the house and leave the dishes in the sink?

[Pudmuddle]

Now here is where the panic comes in...did I do too much? Am I going overboard? Am I over thinking this? Should I throw some dirt around the house and leave the dishes in the sink?

You are overthinking it and he will see that you are trying to hard. Relaaaaaaaaaax. What you are doing is what you would be doing "as if" you were not having issues at the moment. So I think it is a beautiful effort.

Remember to breathe through your nose and out through your mouth, do that a few times when you start to feel nervous. And go into this with NO expectations of any great reactions from him. If you base it off of his reactions you will be disappointed and unhappy. Do it because you want to do it for him, not to specifically please him, ok?

You can do it!!!

[Pudmuddle]

And I forgot to mention the "throw some dirt around the house" made me spit out my tea! that cracked me up.

[Muse]

I'm glad I found this site. I can post my neurosis/quirks here....and then try and let it all go.

Will remember to breathe......I feel like I am waiting for a new date to show up.

No expectations. Just a nice meal with my family.

[Muse]

It was awkward. He just left....I breathed a sigh of relief.

H was on his best behaviour but still hiding behind his wall as if he was bracing for impact. I smiled, listened, talked about work, silly stuff, our dog, our daughter, etc. I listened, and I hope I made headway.

I know he is now heading back to where he is staying, wondering when I will lose my cool, when I will do something that will justify him pulling away.

I did it. I made a nice meal for my family, H loved his present, and it ended on a good note. If I did it once, maybe it will get easier every time.

[Pudmuddle]

Oh muse, you did fantastic!

Trust me he was bracing himself for a heated conversation and you did completely the opposite! I bet he is still scratching his head, going "huh, that was really nice".

I know you made a dent. If you move the needle just a little bit then you are gaining ground.

Next time will be easier! YAY MUSE!