Originally Posted By: chasingpavements Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
RL, they know the old us would always do anything for them. Since we haven't bombed them, and even have improved ourselves, they figure we will continue to meet their needs forevermore.
How true is this!! crazy
It seems often the only way they wake up is when they realize that we are not available anymore.
This is pretty much what I'm going through right now, so it caught my attention.
It's so tough to figure out the fine line between showing them what a new, improved M could be and letting them see what life is/would be on their own.
Continuing the topic -- I agree that they do not appreciate what they have, or they take it for granted. I think my W realizes what she has here, but I also think it is not enough for her to stop some of her actions/behavior. She wants both worlds.
I'm at the point now, where I realize I can live without her. After BD, I thought my world was falling apart and I must be married with W. This causes you to do things, accept things that are not good. Now, I'm more willing to set boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable. I'm also willing to 'risk it all' on enforcing those boundaries.
Oddly, I don't think my W is concerned about losing me right now. Whereas, a few months ago she was. Maybe she has grown too?
"It seems often the only way they wake up is when they realize that we are not available anymore."
This hasn't gone unnoticed by me. I do believe it has to be real though, we have to be truly "done", and content with that decision. And they have to be ready to reconsider. If we're playing the "no longer available" card just to try to win them back, they'll know, and it likely won't get us the results we are looking for.
It also seems some figure out they want back in the M without us becoming "unavailable". RH's H comes to mind. And now maybe T2's W.
I'd hope to hear other thoughts on this topic.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
There has been some significant, growing consistent, change, towards reconnection.
Since certain deadlines from her were/are coming up, ie, school starting, summer over, etc, I had really pulled back emotionally, dancing on the edge of "done" and mentally started moving on, versus just moving forward. It appears she might have picked up on that, not sure.
I will post about those reconnection details at a future date, since for some reason I feel the need to be extra cautious and NOT jinx it by posting the details atm (I know, superstitious, not exactly my usual M.O.). Maybe it's this hesitation to trust the reconnects on my part (after enough "touch and go's", I DO eventually learn, lol)...trying to give all benefits of the doubt.
Really working the fine line between "moving on too much" where she'll feel "he's gone, why bother?" and just give up, and moving too close, too fast, where she'll dive back into the weeds possibly.
I will say, her getting her job has been so helpful and a big change agent, both for getting an external view of the world and it's ways, and internally for her.
Sitting quietly, I see the answers hovering and flitting about, though not quite "here" yet.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, Continue to sit quietly and do not push for answers...they will come, my friend.
I don't blame you...I wouldn't post those reconnections details just yet.
She's baking up very nicely and it won't be long before you see a few more different changes in her attitude.
Continue to work on you for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OK, for everyone who has wondered why it is best to detach, to not look in the oven while their mlc'er is baking, here is the science behind it:
Quote:
The quantum Zeno effect gets its name from the Greek philosopher Zeno of Elea, who lived in the fifth century bc and suggested that if the position of a flying arrow is well-defined for a moment of time, then it makes no progress in that moment, and so can never reach its destination.
In the quantum version of the arrow paradox, theoretical physicists posited in 1977 that if a quantum system is measured often enough, its state will be unable to progress, as if it were true that 'a watched pot never boils'. The hypothesis arises from a fundamental postulate of quantum theory, which says that measuring a property of an object, such as its position, affects its state. The quantum Zeno effect was first observed experimentally in 1989 in laser-cooled ions trapped by magnetic and electric fields.
Now, quantum physicist Oliver Benson and his colleagues at Humboldt University in Berlin have seen the effect in a diamond crystal —
Now it all makes sense...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
if a quantum system is measured often enough, its state will be unable to progress, as if it were true that 'a watched pot never boils'. The hypothesis arises from a fundamental postulate of quantum theory, which says that measuring a property of an object, such as its position, affects its state.
Very good observation!
I am trying not to put a label on the status of my marriage right now... it is what it is right? Analyzing everything to death is where I get into trouble!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hi CP, from someone who is an unabashed analyzer science-engineer nerd type...I found the more I let it go, all the behaviors, etc., the more progress seems to be made towards whatever end is going to be.
Funny how this mlc stuff creeps into everything, even my science-nerd morning fix....just reading along and...oh, hey...wait a minute...
And a small dose of humor first thing in the morning is always good...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Quantum physics is non-intuitive to our everyday existence.
DB is non-intuitive to our everyday R existence.
Both work in everyday existence. The computer, smart phone, and our DVD players, for example, are real-life applications/examples of quantum theory. The success stories here are real-life examples of applied DB principles.
Your mileage may vary.
Amongst my friends and those who know me well, I am (in)famous for strange discussions...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
