The title reflects that I'm no longer overly obsessed about what the W is doing or not doing. The previous thread was titled "still about the Wife" because I had realized I was spending way too much time thinking about our marriage.
What's our status? -- definitely still limbo-land, but on the surface things are mostly good. It is the deeper relationship that is missing and still not right.
I have been focusing more attention on my work that I had neglected somewhat over the past 9 months. Some good opportunities have come my way in spite of my lack of attention, but now I am putting in the effort that was missing previously.
I use this site as my journal. So here's some journaling.
I realize that my W has submitted her applications to university. She didn't make a big announcement or a big deal to me, but the deadline has passed and she is no longer working on the applications. When she was working on her essay, I had offered to review it for her. I work in a university so I know what they are looking for and how to write a persuasive essay. She never took me up on my offer. The one time I did see her essay, I thought it could use a lot of improvement. I still think she has a better than average chance of being accepted. My W is smart and talented and has the right background. Even if her essay wasn't the best, she had very good recommendation letters from previous employers who really appreciated her work and professionalism. We'll see what happens.
Yesterday evening just as our girls were going to bed, my W went out shopping for make-up that we seemed to have left at our retreat last weekend. She was gone about twice as long as she needed to be, and then I realized she probably went to the rock gym climbing first. I guess things aren't that bad if this is the only type of secret/lie that she keeps from me.
Meanwhile, I have a backlog of work that will keep me busy for til the end of the year!
Had a chance to read through your sitch and man are you right, there are some scary parallels! There were times that I literally pushed back from my desk and rolled my chair back a few feet.
It looks to me like you are doing really well, especially with focusing on your kids and refocusing on your work. I know my work has suffered greatly over the past several months, so I can relate to trying to reengage...only thing worse than W going through MLC is W going through MLC causes H to lose his job!
I read PM about 6 years ago. How did you like it? One line I remember from it is the concept of learning to appreciate the "symphony of marriage".
A couple observations. One, your W seems to spend a lot of time with friend relationships, including other men. Considering the incident in July, has this changed at all?
Also, it seems like your W is going along and keeping the peace, but is she really re-engaged since moving home or is it a "smile and wave, nothing to see here" for her, thinking all is well? Reason I ask is that given her sending in her application, is she just waiting until getting an answer to really confront things, thinking she might be leaving again for school anyway? Just a question, I don't have a suggestion based on it, just trying to understand.
CB
PS - Love the Bay area this time of year. You guys wine drinkers?
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Had a chance to read through your sitch and man are you right, there are some scary parallels! There were times that I literally pushed back from my desk and rolled my chair back a few feet.
yes, I also wonder about the similarities and 'script' between many situations. It is, what it is.
Originally Posted By: CharlieBrown
A couple observations. One, your W seems to spend a lot of time with friend relationships, including other men. Considering the incident in July, has this changed at all?
friendships are very important to her. One reason may simply be to constantly occupy her time and stay busy. She has kept her word as far as I know to break off the relationships that I asked as a condition of coming home. I really believe it was driven by fantasy more than anything else. She hardly knew the guy. I also observed to her that based on the phone records, he never initiated contact. Frankly, I don't think he was that interested in her (But like most any man, if a women throws herself at you, you don't turn her away).
Her other male friends are really acquaintances that she shares a hobby with. I've met them all.
Originally Posted By: CharlieBrown
Also, it seems like your W is going along and keeping the peace, but is she really re-engaged since moving home or is it a "smile and wave, nothing to see here" for her, thinking all is well? Reason I ask is that given her sending in her application, is she just waiting until getting an answer to really confront things, thinking she might be leaving again for school anyway? Just a question, I don't have a suggestion based on it, just trying to understand.
Good questions, and I don't really know. We don't have many relationship discussions and we do not talk that far into the future. My guess is that she has an ongoing internal debate about our relationship. As far as the school, I do not know what she is thinking. She has expressed that her getting admitted is a long shot. So maybe she just doesn't believe that she will be accepted? IDK.
From my point of view, I don't think about it either. I figure we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Originally Posted By: CharlieBrown
PS - Love the Bay area this time of year. You guys wine drinkers?
yes, and there are many places with 10-15 minutes of us to go tasting.
I wouldn't advise the r talks or pushing the decision on the medical school, I would let it come at it's own pace. The line around here of "embracing time as your friend" I think is really a good one. I was just unsure, that is why I asked.
I am a big fan of your crushed grapes. Sitting with a bottle of cab and talking is one of our most important communication times!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I’ve been reading this book titled Mad Dash by Patricia Gaffney and I think she does a great job of capturing what many of us are experiencing. It is a story of a middle-aged couple in which their only child has left for college and the wife has a mid-life crisis. The parallels of events and behavior between my life, what I’ve read on this forum and the book are eerie.
The book is in the first person, initially of the wife, then later the husband. Since it’s in the first person we get to see what the wife is thinking/feeling, which is all over the place.
For example, there’s a scene where they’re in a restaurant and the W already knows what wine the husband will order, and the predictability repels her. A new relationship would bring the excitment of the unknown, yet here with him, all is known and expected. Throughout the dinner she is alternately repelled by him and attracted to him. I thought to myself here is some of the reason for the 180s. If he did something different, then that would get her curiosity up. We see that she does love him, but she is tired of him too. She is unhappy inside, something is missing from her life and he is being blamed for it. She cannot love him while she is like this. It is the author’s ability to present this thinking without making her seem crazy that I really appreciate.
The W is a successful portrait photographer with her own business. The H is a professor, but at a standstill in his career. She is a free-spirit, seeking adventure. He is fastidious, stereotypical academic type. She leaves him over a small dog that shows up and is almost dead on their doorstep. She moves out to a cabin they have in the country. He, of course, cannot understand what’s going on – it’s not rational. His actions push her further away.
Many things that happen on this forum happen here. They were evidently happily married for 20 years, but suddenly she is unhappy and starts to revise the history, highlighting all the problems and incompatibilities. She sings the praises of a rural handyman who is the exact opposite of her urban academic husband. She makes friends with a girl half her age. She experiences dating vicariously through her divorced friend. She wants to return to school for veterinarian medicine – something she’s never seemingly been interested in!
She also portrays the H as the LBS very well and we see how he reacts to the whole situation. BTW, he does everything wrong so far. He laughed at her about going back to school. He failed to validate her feelings. Etc.
I’m only about 1/3 of the way through the book. If you want a fictional account that is light and humorous of a mid-life crisis and the couple going through it, I recommend this book.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
A super busy weekend. I went to a BBQ on Friday with my boating friends to watch a movie we've been talking about for months. We finally got together. Had a nice time. Then on Saturday we had guests at noon for a BBQ, we walked over to a neighbor's later in the day, who was having a day-long party with about 100 people, and then that evening we went to another BBQ.
This past week, my W went out every night. She went to her gym twice a week as usual, then on 2 nights she left at about 8pm to 'go shopping' but she also went to the rock climbing gym for some time. Consequently, she didn't get home those nights until about 10:30 or 11pm. She did not tell me she was going to the rock gym or afterwards that she went. On the second time she went, I asked her "where else did you go?" because she was gone so long, and it doesn't take that long to go to the supermarket. She said, to the rock climbing gym. She acted as if it was a spontaneous decision on her part to go. Yet, when she left she made a point of taking the car that had her equipment in it -- she had planned on going.
It bothered me because she is lying to me again. It is not a big lie, but instead of saying what she wants to do, she hides it and then lies about it, saying she didn't plan on going. I wish she was truthful. Lying about this makes me wonder what else is she lying about?
I also thought that with all this activity, it is as if my W cannot tolerate any quiet time. She needs to fill her day with activity: either physical activity or social activity.
On Sunday morning my W invited me to go to crossfit with her. Maybe to work off all the drink and food -- ha, I needed to!
Last night my W injured her knee while at the gym wrestling. I wonder what this is going to mean because exercise is an important part of her life right now. I hope she is smart enough to let it heal. It took my knee almost 4 months to heal and it still isn't 100%
Your wife sounds a bit like my hubby.. always having to stay busy keeping fit and doing activities! It is something I have learned to deal with but it does drive me crazy at times. We have 3 young children, and since they've been born, he has built a wood-working shop in our backyard, re-landscaped our backyard, renovated our entire basement, and other various jobs around our house. On top of that he is taking evening classes to get a university degree. He also plays volleyball and he also jogs and walks.
I always hoped that after a big project he would settle down for a bit and help with the kids around the house more. But there always seems to be another project. I guess I am lucky since he is doing things that benefit our family.
It's good that your wife is inviting you to go along with her to crossfit, that she is including you in activities. My H is slowly starting to open up to me like that again, just little things here and there. I find it's those little things that you take for granted when things are going well.
Have a good day, -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hi CP, yes my W does like to keep busy nowadays. She has actually kept herself busy for the past 10 years or so, I would guess. What has changed is the nature of what she does. Things that she enjoyed doing 5 years ago, she no longer does.
You should encourage your H to get the kids involved in his projects. They're still young, but they can play where he is and stuff. When I was working on my garage, my 6 year old at the time joined me once and hammered nails into scrape wood.
