Acceptance...

[Live4myDay]

UPDATE: Detaching Detaching Detaching...breathe and let it go.

I realize he's never coming back...I will focus on me and my NEW life and continue to pray good things for him.

Patience...we'll see. Working on GAL, 180's PMA's etc. Don't know where this is going to lead.

I want something more than him with OW...if it was MLC, I would be here to help him through it. He is NOT a MLC... he is a WAS. Acceptance is half the battle.

Now focus on ME... I've been waking up looking in mirror with a gift waiting for me to open...it's my new life.

Gonna send this thread over to the Surviving the Big D...maybe I can get some chats there.

[Live4myDay]

Not sure I did this right, but here is my sitch from Midlife Crisis. Originally that's what I thought it was. After, reading and researching and taking it all in X is a WAS...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2381736&page=1

[Live4myDay]

Here's my goals...where I want to be with X and my new life...

I know for me it's a long way off before he even can see me again...so I'm doing my GAL, PMA, 180's...working on me stuff. I suppose that's what the coach is helping you with? I mean I have no contact with X...a very few exceptions, such as asking me about cremation bill regarding our dog.

He doesn't ask or want to know about me (guilt, shame, too hurt, i don't know) but honestly he acts as if he's all ok with everything and mature about it all. Still very angry with me and can't look me in eye when we do run across each other which is about twice a year.

I just hope he may hear of how wonderful I'm doing through my friends family and possibly mutual friends on facebook. It just doesn't seem to phase him.

If and I mean if, he ever thinks about us, it will be 20 years down the road as he is in love with this OW. As he told my parents they are compatible and have so much in common. I expect now they will marry at some point. It's been going on 3 years with long distance relationship...every visit is a honeymoon.

My goal...I'd like for him to see me as the person he fell in love with. He made me into such a monster, such a horrible person compared to his new soulmate. He's told me, I don't like who you are as a person. A lot of very hurtful things. I've slowely gained "respect" from being the caretake of our D. But I'm a mom and he still has a lot of faults with that (being an enabler and not helping her independence). Things of which he has no idea what goes on since he is a Holiday dad visiting twice a year.

Anyway, my goals to achieve this would be:

1. Live my live as Assertive, Independent, self-assured person

2. learn to communicate and present myself in the above manner without the sarcasm, blame, victimization, etc.

3. become more healthy through cooking (D already lost 20 lbs.) I'm a GREAT cook but to him I don't cook healthy. He's all into eating healthy now with OW.

4. become more athletic. I used to bike to work and ride 30 miles a day, etc. You know with kids, job, lifestyle, it became harder and harder to have time for me. Now just as hard as I care 24/7 for D. but I have to make it work, for me! I want to lose weight in the process and go for trail hikes and ride bikes again. I joined a dragon boating club. things like that I used to be a part of.

5. Financial independence. I do accounting bookkeeping for a living but never made time to keep our personal finances in order. He didn't help either. We lost everything after D accident, house, car, truck, credit, business, etc. Blamed me for all of it...took some of the credit but mostly me because I had worked for our business for 10 years. When market bottomed out and couldn't stay a float, it was my fault. I just started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University classes WITH my D. She's 22 and I want her to learn about her own money.


Ok...my life goal, once I achieve my 180's:

1. D independence. Not out of my life but where she can live on her own whether with hired help, or a relationship.
2. Companionship/Friendship
3. Financial Stability

I would love nothing more than to grow old together with my X and have our family D and S and their families together. Reconciled with both sides of families and mature the love we truly have for each other.... yeah and cinderella lived happily every after.

If not X, I know the kind of person I want to be with. Not searching but eventully I feel God will lead me to him...I pray it's my X.

I don't know how that will ever happen. I have nothing but love for him, yet his R with OW is starting to eat away at me. My sister said I need a rebound...someone to take my mind away from him and put back on me.

Patience patience patience and wait for him (WAS not so much MLC) to get his heart broken by OW. I don't see it happening. And when I do become the BEST me that only a fool would leave... He'll be happy for me. Is it possible to change that around? Not when you're invisible and buried while OW on pedastyle.

What do you think?

[kml]

L4MD -

What you need is to LIVE YOUR LIFE without thinking about whether or not he'll ever come back. I'm not saying it's not possible - it is - BUT it is MORE likely to happen once you have COMPLETELY moved on! So you really need to just LET GO and move on with your life - you always have the option to take him back in the future IF you want to at that time. You certainly don't want him back until he becomes a much better, less selfish person, and that's likely to take a whole lot of time.

I LOVE that you and your daughter are going to FPU. Check out mrmoneymustache too - my current favorite frugality blog. They say the best revenge is living well, wouldn't it be great a few years from now for you to be financially independent and ex still be in debt?

Once you start dating you might find, like I did, that you had gotten used to a certain level of disrespect from your H, and it's SOOOO much nicer with a man who values you and treats you right. (Even the Love Avoidant hermit-tending unavailable guys I dated when I was first divorced, treated me better than my ex.)

Now is the time for you to create the life you want to live. Quit worrying about the ex. You can do better than a man who would abandon you in the midst of a crisis like this. Seriously.

[Live4myDay]

KML, thank you for the reply. It's nice to talk through this with others. I used to go to therapy but can no longer afford it.

The FPU thing came as a sort of divine intervention and I'm really excited about it now. Financial independence is something that would be so 180 for me, plus, now that I'm single I know I can do this on my own and not have to fight with the other half to work through it.

I've become more open to dating. It is very hard to have my D see me looking for something else even though her dad is in a serious relationship that she's never met. Only a matter of time though. It's like acceptance that if I see other people it makes what her dad did ok. So I was holding myself in my own prison. Now it's just difficult to meet new people being that I'm in a totally new town, new state.

I joined meetup.com, go to great chruch and attend ladies bible study, and just recently joined a dragonboat racing club. I don't get a lot of free time with D. It's just her and I and she is struggling with friendships also, being in a wheelchair it's that much harder for her.

I have changed my viewpoint that's why I posted over here to divorced area. This is where I need the most help and focus is that I AM DIVORCED. Everyday is a NEW start. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that I want it to be. I leaped out the door now I just need to keep walking and quit running back inside...

[Live4myDay]

My D reminded me today that we've been in Florida for two years (!!!) this October! OMG can't believe it time has just flown by...but also it made me realize that it's going on 3 years divorced in March.

WOW! That's a long time to still think he's coming back. hahah. But honestly that's what I was holding onto. That this is just a phase. He's been with OW for over THREE years now!! since before D. He has so moved on and I still get hurt over things he does with her.

ACCEPTANCE....Detachment. Detachment. Detachment. New life better me!!!

Starting to feel the shift and it feels good inside.

[BeginningAgain]

Yes sometimes it takes hitting yourself upside your head before the lights come on (it took me a long time too), but when they do that's when you can really start moving on in the right direction and believe me, it is very liberating and satisfying in the long run.

BA

[JJAC2005]

Wow...looks like a new lease on the outlook here!
Glad to see your move to living for you in the now...and yet know, that there will still be some cycles of emotion(now and then)....they only serve to remind us that that bond was real, was significant, and that we really did/and do love as much as we thought....and who knows what the next day will bring....each day gets better and better, brighter and brighter....God has not forgotten about you or your prayers!
Keep the path open (if you choose) to anything that might make your heart happier because of it!
There are plenty of examples where someone reconnects a few more years than they where hoping, but the good news is, they reconnected for the right reasons!
That one story I was telling you about took that woman 7 years to get her husband back to a place where they were once again a family....and they are still going stronger than ever some 11 plus years later!
Keep up the good work....you deserve the best you you want to become!

[Live4myDay]

Thanks BA. I feel I'm moving more forward than backwards these days. I caught myself thinking of picture of X and it went off track to that sickening feeling in your gut when I put emotion and feelings of him and OW with the thoughts racing back. I had to yell STOP to make myself aware of what i was doing...sabatogging my recovery!

I say a lot of thank you's releasing gratitude and try to mail personal cards to people that pop up in my thoughts.

I've actually set a goal to try to make the race team in a dragon boat club i recently joined. They have a big event in October.

And my D and I joined the Financial peace university classes at our church which starts Tue nite.

My part-time job has been cut back to 1-2 days only which I'm undecided about. Cant work full time with caring for D and the job really is a full time position. I had to just let it go in the best interst of organization. But, I feel like failure again. Something my X always called me out on...I start things but can't finish them. or my explainations were always excuses to him.

On another note, D told me her dad wants to plan Christmas in the Keys with OW and talks of his side of family...gut reaction once gain. Something weve done in past years several times as a family. Hard to be excluded.

D is considering it. I asked how she felt about meeting OW and she said she wnts to...but I also said meeting and spending a week for holiday is 2 different things. Sharing your dad with OW and the realities of his relationship is another. Hurts just imaging it. How can he not see or feel how awkward and disturbing it is?? Iguess for me only. Havent heard from S about his thoughts yet.

Tmr my D scheduled conference call with X and FIL and myself in regards to another stem cell treatment this Dec over college break. Hmm...not trying to get too anxious over it. Its mostly between my D and them however I may get questioned in regards to my opinion. In the past I've just always thought they were patronizing me but D says I need to speak up. So I feel I may have to express my new "confident" self this time (a 180 for sure).

Any ideas or thoughts would be glad to hear from you all since this will be one of the few chances I get to interact.

[JJAC2005]

Well, how did it go...
What type of interactions did you have with such and open format?
I understand that you were all there to discus options for your D, but I was interested if you had a sense of comfort with the ex that you possibly could set up a talk in the future just between the 2 of you?