New and need encouragement

[chasingpavements]

I understand the dangling carrot, as I feel that H is sometimes doing that with me, just to keep me hanging on. In the long run, though, you are trying to save your marriage. Keep up your DB'ing and stay positive.

[AnotherStander]

NQ, sounds like you handled the sitch with H and OW very well. If S13 talks to you about it, remember your validation techniques, it really helps the kids when you sympathize with their emotions. You don't have to explain your H's actions, that's between H and S. Just give him emotional support.

I still want things to work out between us

Try to put that on the back burner for now, he's a long way from getting to that point.

I might drop them at the pool and go to the library next door, leave them to enjoy the pool and I'll sit and read quietly.

Great idea!

[Not Quitting]

NQ, sounds like you handled the sitch with H and OW very well. If S13 talks to you about it, remember your validation techniques, it really helps the kids when you sympathize with their emotions. You don't have to explain your H's actions, that's between H and S. Just give him emotional support.

I still want things to work out between us

Try to put that on the back burner for now, he's a long way from getting to that point.

I might drop them at the pool and go to the library next door, leave them to enjoy the pool and I'll sit and read quietly.

Great idea!

Thanks AS.

I realize he's a long way from wanting to work things out, but I'm finding patience where I didn't think I had any left.

Nothing is confirmed yet for next week. H has a habit of changing his mind, and that's not just since OW come onto the scene. S13 has been told that maybe his dad will go to the pool with him next week, and that we'd have to wait until next week to find out if and when. He seemed ok with that - think he's getting used to his dad not being around

He is a bit clingy sometimes but I'll take cuddles with my son for as long as I can - he'll outgrow wanting to cuddle with mom before too long.

[Not Quitting]

So H just spent most of the day at the house. We were supposed to go to the water park but got there to find it closed by a police investigation. It was strange having him in the house for so long. H and S13 played computer games together which is something that rarely happened - H usually played and S13 would watch. Some small talk, nothing heavy. It was hard watching him leave even though I'm almost glad that he did. Even S13 wasn't at all fazed by his departure - had to be called away from his game to say good bye. Guess we're both getting used to just being the two of us.

H may go swimming with us tomorrow but we won't know until sometime in the afternoon. If not tomorrow, H said maybe Thursday. Nothing like making definite plans with his son. Where has the man who would do anything with or for his son at any time? I'm just glad that S13 seems to be adapting to our separation pretty well. Maybe it's because the neighbourhood kids he spends a lot of time have just recently seen their parents divorce.

We'll have to see how things go when school starts in two weeks. H is the math whiz so was always the one to help with math homework. That's going to fall to me now. All the other subjects I'm good at.

Maybe that's a GAL for me - teach myself the stuff they're teaching in math classes these days so that I can help my son with his math homework. It'll also help me balance my budget as well. The only math related stuff I did in our M was the tax returns. H is going have to learn to do his own come tax time.

[chasingpavements]

Hi Not Quitting, great to hear your son is adjusting, as well, it's also good that you are able to spend time together as a family. I'm sure your son appreciated having that family time, even if it's just doing something low key as a family. It probably makes things a lot easier for him to deal with.

Helping your son with the math stuff sounds like a great GAL for you

Have a great week!
-cp

[Not Quitting]

Thanks CP

S13 was thrilled to have his dad around. Originally it was going to just be the two of us going to the waterpark on Saturday, but S13 wanted his dad to come so we postponed til yesterday - H isn't available Saturdays as he's helping friends reno their house. We've rescheduled for next Sunday as long as the weather is good.

I'm thinking I'm beginning to get this detaching thing down. I'm getting really good at not showing my emotions around H; in fact, a lot of time I don't have any emotions around him any more. I'm either getting used to the separation and everything else, or I've reached that point where it just doesn't matter anymore. I do still love my H, or at least the man I married, but the man I'm married to right now is a stranger. I've even caught myself referring to him as the XH a couple of times.

The hardest thing at the moment I find on a regular basis is dealing with my dad. I had to move in with him several years ago so he knows what is going on, and he's shared that with my sisters as well. I'm sure he means well but sometimes he drives me crazy with his advice and general comments. He doesn't know why I'm still trying, doesn't understand how I could do what I've been doing when H has treated me the way he did. And I'm not even going to mention the attempts at telling me how to cook, raise my son, etc, etc. I wish I could afford to have my own place as much as I love my dad and how much I owe him because without him I'd be homeless.

I'm getting pretty good at detaching from H, and just letting him get on and do whatever he thinks he needs to do. Got to work a bit more on GALing, but whatever I do has to be free or cheap as money is tight.

[Not Quitting]

Gotta love those "I told you so" moments, although I did bite my tongue and not actually say it.

I recently changed internet providers to a cheaper provider with unlimited usage. H cancelled the previous account as it was in his name. At that time I suggested that he might want to set up a new account with gmail or hotmail or something similar and have his existing account forwarded to the new address because his email would probably be deactivated along with the account. Of course H insisted that it wouldn't be. So imagine my surprise (NOT) this morning when H sends me a text to give me his new email address because his old one was deactivated.

He's pretending it's not important but I know him well enough to know that he hates being proved wrong. He won't admit that once again I was right about something that he should have known and that if his mind was in the right place he would have known. I see it as more proof that he's living in a complete fog right now.

[Not Quitting]

So H actually showed up to go swimming last night with S13. He came back to the house afterwards and it felt like he was reluctant to leave. Not sure if I'm just imagining things so I'm trying not to read anything into it.

While he was at the house one of his female friends (not OW) phoned and he declined the call. That's something new. He's also decided to cut his hair and is currently sporting more mature looking crew cut. I made a point of telling him the new cut was more flattering on him. He stuck around to tuck S13 into bed, and for a while afterwards just chatting about work, weather, plans for upcoming weekends, etc.

As he was about to leave his buddy across the road invited him over for a beer. Before he left he did mention that this weekend's visit might not happen because the boys' weekend that was cancelled a couple of weeks ago might be back on. Haven't mentioned that to S13 yet, but even if H doesn't come, we're still going ahead with the planned activities. S13 isn't going to miss out on something just because H's plans have changed.

For the first time in a couple of weeks I didn't want him to leave. I'd been pretty good about being detached and non-emotional around him but had to fight the emotions last night. Maybe it was seeing a bit of the old H once again.

[chasingpavements]

Hi Not Quitting, sounds like your H is finding little ways here and there now to visit you and your son. Sounds like whatever DB'ing you are doing is working so keep it up! Also good that you are keeping on with your planned activities if H doesn't come along. You are GAL'ing.. if that's a word? I think it's time for me to catch some sleep... lol.

Have a nice weekend, hopefully you are catching some of this nice sunny weather
-cp

[Not Quitting]

Thanks CP for dropping by my thread.

S13 and I had a great weekend for the most part. Saturday was pool party with some coworkers - ladies and kids only. Sunday we went to the water park. As expected H texted on Friday to say he wasn't going to be around on Sunday. I'd already decided we were going to the waterpark regardless, and I told H that when he cancelled his Sunday visit. The weather was great both days so being around water was really nice. I'm finding that S13 isn't so bothered by H not showing up, as long as we have an alternative planned.

The biggest problem we're both facing right now is my dad. I'm sure he means well but often it's more like interfering. I had to ask him yesterday not to discipline my son when I'm home. It's a different matter if he's looking after him because I'm at work but definitely shouldn't happen when I'm home. I really wish I had the finances to get out and rent somewhere for us so that I don't have to rely on my dad providing a roof over our heads. The combination of living with my dad and the problems in our M is starting to stress my son. Hopefully it's just bad at the moment because he's off school so home with his grandad all day. I'm going to keep an eye on things and see if they improve after next week when school's back. I'm also going to try and keep S13 otherwise occupied evenings and weekends as much as possible to try and limit the amount of time he's around my dad - give them both a break.

It doesn't help knowing that some of the problems H sees in our M relate to us living with my dad. Whether H is just being paranoid because of his PTSD or whether it's really happening I don't know, but H keeps saying that dad has been snooping through our things, trying to check into our financials and generally interfering in our lives. It's true that we had very little privacy unless we shut ourselves away in our room or went out and dad did, and still does, keep providing his opinion on just about everything, but I don't know what to believe about the snooping. I'm not even sure how to approach my dad about anything. I mean, how do you tell your parent to keep their nose out without being disrepectful, especially when we're staying there rent-free?

There's not a lot I can do about that right now. I've assured S13 that I'm trying to find a better paying job so that I can afford to rent somewhere. We're going to have to do that next year anyway as dad wants to sell and move to a much smaller town, about an hour away. I've already decided that I'm not prepared to move that far from where we live now as S13's friends and his extra-curricular activities would all be disrupted, and he's already had enough disruption in his life. He needs some stability. I also don't want to commute that far and there's not much work available where he wants to move.