New and need encouragement

[Not Quitting]

H wants S13 to stay with him one night. While I want them to spend time together I'm really not sure how to handle this request. H is living in a spare bedroom at his friends's apartment - one double bed which he expects to share with S13. The friends have some medical concerns - one has early onset Alzheimer's and the other is showing signs that she also has it. Despite their promise to not allow H to have friends over (one in particular) I now know that OW has been there - bottle of her favourite alcohol in his room and he told S13 that the bottle was just there for decoration. WTF??

S13 doesn't know about OW. With two people with memory issues and the fact that H has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, not to mention sharing a bed, how should I handle the request?? I don't want S13 finding out about OW (something H has agreed to) - H has said OW's name in his sleep more than once (good thing he'd already confessed to the A). I don't want to deny access but I'm not at all comfortable with this.

[Not Quitting]

So now H is blatantly lying to me. Told S13 and I he was going away for a boys' weekend. He knew I was taking S13 away for weekend and where we were going. So what happens - we walk around the corner and who does S13 see but H and its not the "boys" he's with - nope it's OW. She walked into store and H gave S13 a hug and asked how his day had been. Not a word to me.

Now I've got S13 upset because his dad ignored me and he also wants to know ago the blonde was that his dad was with. For now I've just said I don't know and I've also calmed him down over the ignoring bit. S13 is now saying that he loves his dad but he doesn't want to talk to him. I don't want to come between him and H but I've got to defend my son's feelings as well.

This whole incident has also made me question my resolve to stick with my M. Any suggestions as to how to handle all this would be great.

[Not Quitting]

While I'm still really p.o'd with H for lying about his plans, I decided not to take it personally. He's a pretty smart guy normally but obviously right now he's using the wrong head to do his thinking. He didn't even seem concerned that S13 was asking about who he was with or that he'd been upset because his dad didn't speak to me.

S13 doesn't seem to be dwelling on it. He didn't seem upset today either when H didn't show up for his weekly visit, although I'd already been told that he probably wouldn't be round this weekend. S13 and I went out to the movies instead and I let him pick which movie.

I'm definitely rethinking how I've been reacting around H. From here on in (as long as I actually stick to my guns now) he can do the chasing. I'm not at his beck and call for anything even if it does involve S13. He wants to see him, he can damn well get himself here - I'm not his personal taxi. We were supposed to have a meeting with our credit counsellor last week which I changed because of H's plans. When it's rescheduled I'm going with or without H - if he can't go when I schedule it he'll just have to get himself there.

Now that is definitely a 180 - I'm the only driver so I've always been there if he needed a drive somewhere. Not going to happen while he's not living here and/or while OW is still in his life.

[Not Quitting]

Journal

Since going back to work yesterday after a much needed week off, I've had so many compliments on the new hairstyle (seems H is the only one who doesn't like it). I've been told it makes me look at least 10 lbs lighter and 5 years younger. I've also been told I look so much more relaxed when anyone asks how things are going between H and I, instead of ready to burst into tears.

The only contact I've had with H since Friday when I blasted him by text about his unexpected "change of plans" and him turning up with OW in the same place he knew I was taking S13 for the weekend was this morning when I had to ask whether he's available for a meeting with the credit counselling trustee later this week. Short and to the point by text and nothing else.

I still think about him too often - especially if not busy (and work has been pretty quiet today) - but I'm noticing that I'm a lot less emotional when it happens. Does this mean I've got to the stage of acceptance or of no longer caring?

S13 is already planning activities for the next few weekends, before he's back to school in September - water park, pool party at one of my co-workers and there's the summer-end tradition in the city, The Ex, and S13 wants to go and do some of the rides. I've also reminded him that we have to do the dreaded back-to-school shopping at some point between now and the end of August.

He seems to be completely over the issue he had with his dad ignoring me. We've had a long talk about things and I explained that while I still love his dad and want to fix things between his dad and I, it's not something I can promise will happen. He seems to understand. He didn't ask any more questions about the blonde his dad was with. I've decided that I won't lie to him if he happens to ask me if his dad has a GF, but I'm not going to volunteer the information - it's not something he needs to know at this point in time. H and I had agreed that there is to be no contact for at least 6 months from the date the separation becomes final instead of just trial, should we get to that point.

I've only read part of DR but it's due back at the library soon and I can't renew it as there's a request on it, so I'm going to track it down at one of the local bookstores. I've got to set some goals and come up with some GALing ideas.

[chasingpavements]

Now that is definitely a 180 - I'm the only driver so I've always been there if he needed a drive somewhere. Not going to happen while he's not living here and/or while OW is still in his life.

Hi Not Quitting. I think that what you have stated here is a good start! You are right that you can not be at his constant beck and call because of your situation. You have always been there for him before, but now it is different, with everything that has been going on, and he is now living on his own. I think you are right to not drive him anywhere, he is going to have to figure out how to do these things on his own.

Sounds like your son is handling it all ok, it must be so hard for both you and him. I agree not to mention OW to your son, unless he brings it up, then answer truthfully.

BTW, I found Divorce Remedy so helpful, and it will definitely give you some goals to work toward and some direction. Do you have any other 180's? Are you following Sandi's rules?

Hope you are doing ok! ((((((hugs))))))

-cp

[Not Quitting]

BTW, I found Divorce Remedy so helpful, and it will definitely give you some goals to work toward and some direction. Do you have any other 180's? Are you following Sandi's rules?

Hope you are doing ok! ((((((hugs))))))

-cp

Thanks cp. So far I've found DR helpful - I've already renewed it once but someone else has a request in for it so I can't renew it again. I figure if I buy a copy I can mark it up by making mites or highlighting - cant exactly do that to a library book can I.

If I consider socializing more as a 180 then there's another one I can try, although all my friends are married so it kind of makes it awkward unless we're doing a girls' night. I've always been more of a homebody. The only other major complaint that H has mentioned was our sex life - cant do anything about that when he's not living here and when he is around so is S13.

I've read Sandi's rules a couple of times. Gonna have to re-read and see if I can print them. I've not been good with the not initiating contact but working on it. H said we'd stopped talking so not answering his texts seems like more of the same. Still working on getting the right balance.

I'm lucky with my son. He's handling this whole thing remarkably well although I've probably been spoiling him a bit to help soften the sitch for him.

[Not Quitting]

Nerves coming into play a little bit today. H and I have a meeting tomorrow morning to sign off on the debt settlement plan. The only contact all week has been a couple of short text messages to confirm the appointment. Haven't seen him at all since Friday when he proved to be lying to both S13 and I (quick refresher, he said away on boys' weekend but turned up in the same place that S13 and I gone for the weekend and was with OW).

As he doesn't drive and the meeting is for both of us, I have agreed to pick him up and drive him to/from the meeting. Can't say that I'm really looking forward to an hour (at least, depending on traffic) stuck in the car with him. I may have to bite my tongue to keep from verbally blasting him over last weekend - I did it by text on the day.

I still want things to work out between us, and I was actually prepared for him to spiral given that his mom has been in hospital recently for tests and there still isn't any diagnosis. I just wasn't expecting him to blatantly lie about his weekend plans and to risk S13 finding out about OW when H has been insistent that he doesn't know, at least not yet. Not sure how I'm going to react tomorrow.

I've been pretty good all week. It hasn't been an issue for me that there's been minimal contact, but I'm not sure how I'll be when face to face with him. I almost wish I'd gone ahead with the meeting last week by myself and leave him to get himself there on his own time instead of postponing it until we were both available.

[chasingpavements]

Good luck with your meeting tomorrow Not Quitting! Keep up your PMA and try to focus on yourself if possible, rather than what is going on with your H.

-cp

[Not Quitting]

Thanks CP. Best thing is meeting should only take 15 minutes so with travel it'll only be an hour or so with H. And if course I have to concentrate on the driving not talking.

He sounded a bit offish when he called tonight. Wants to take S13 to local pool one night next week. Had to tell him local pool closes at 7 and that when I take him to pool it's a bit further away and indoors. Said if he didn't object to me going along he could come with us one night next week. He said ok. I might drop them at the pool and go to the library next door, leave them to enjoy the pool and I'll sit and read quietly.

[Not Quitting]

So the meeting went well. H was very pleasant, not just civil. The paperwork had our marital status as "Married" and he made no attempt to have it corrected, so I didn't either. He also talked about the 3 of us doing something on Sunday when he comes for his weekly visit to S13.

No mention by either of us about last weekend, which suits me fine because I'm not sure I would have been very pleasant about it.

One of my friends says H is just dangling that carrot again and she's worried I might take the bait. Said I've developed a severe allergy to dangling carrots. In fact, when I dropped him off after the meeting I felt no emotion at all, unlike the last few times when I've had to fight the tears so he didn't see them.