Left Behind Husband on the Left Coast II

[LBH_LC]

First Thread

Quick Recap: As of the BD, my W and I had been together for 5 years and married for 3 and a half. We didn't have a very easy time of it. Before we were married, she lost an uncle to illness. I lost a job working for the organization that I always wanted to work for and had to take a job (that I loathe) outside my field to make ends meet. Since our marriage, my father had two major surgeries and many ER visits (5 in 2012 alone) before ultimately passing in November of 2012. His illnesses were why I could not look for work somewhere besides where we currently live. Her grandfather died on our first anniversary. Her car died a few months after our wedding and we had to buy a new one. She went from job to job for various reasons. Lots of stress. Lots of money issues.

The last six months we were together were particularly bad; Dad was in the hospital for most of that time and my workload at my job basically doubled because of an industry event.

I was withdrawn, physically and emotionally. We fought, a lot. We both knew things weren't good, but I thought I had time to set things right. After January 1st, I was about to turn over a new leaf and try to set things right. She left on January 2, filed on January 11, I was served on January 18. I was not told about the filing until it arrived on my door.

I didn't get the DB/DR books until around January 22 or so, and until then I made every textbook mistake MWD tells us not to do. Right around the time I got the books, my W and stopped communicating entirely.

It's a long story, but thanks to the actions of an acquaintance who is apparently slightly unhinged, my wife took a temporary restraining order against me in February. In my state, TROs are nearly always automatically granted regardless of merit. I assure you, there is no merit to her claims.

Since then I've retained a lawyer and there has continued to be no communication between my STBX and myself per the TRO. My in-laws haven't reached out to me at all. I spoke briefly with my FiL over the phone. The last time I spoke with my FiL, he advised me that there was no chance of R.

I've gotten a life, big time, since the BD. I've lost 50 lbs (most in the first six weeks) and started working out again. I'm eating better. I'm volunteering for a local non-profit. I'm looking for work and am no longer obligated to stay in this town. I've read many self-help books, started dressing better, taking better care of myself, adjusted my antidepressants, started seeing a therapist, and I have a couple big things planned once I lose some more weight and my finances are under control; right now, the S is hitting my finances disproportionately harder than my W.

Now: I'd still very much to reconcile. I've had a hard time detaching. It's like the phantom limb syndrome that amputees have where they swear their limb is still there. Sometimes I can still feel her in my arms or smell her hair. Still, somedays are better than others. I sometimes wonder if on those days I'm starting to accept the situation or if the "better days" are just days where I'm better at denying the way things are. My therapist thinks I'm doing okay, so...

My L is handing disclosures and we have another hearing in June. Other than that, nothing new to report.

-Lefty

[Positivespin]

in a situation as uncontrollable as yours you are controlling what you can- and it sounds like your doing GREAT!

keep on that couch to 5K

we are only 4 months into the detachment process and we need to keep moving forward. we need to keep waking up, keep sending out those resumes, keep looking for new things to try and keep enjoying the new things we find out about ourselves.

I look pretty damn good 49 lbs lighter

June is right around the corner- work on your tan CA man.

Can you share "The big things planned"? Any small pieces you can break off and do now that doesnt involve much money or all the weight loss?

I hope you let me keep bothering you:)

[LBH_LC]

You're not bothering me, Positive, you're the only person responding to my posts!

The things I have planned for once my finances are under control are: a skydiving trip, the purchase of a road bicycle, and possibly a tasteful tattoo in a discrete place... No neck tattoos for me, thanks!

BTW: I finally broke through my plateau and hit a new low weight today. If I loose less than two more pounds, I will merely be overweight and no longer obese. I bought a kitchen scale and started using an app to help me better track my calories to help speed this along. Had W2D2 of my C25K last night, weights tonight, and W2D3 of C25K Saturday.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

[AnotherStander]

Now: I'd still very much to reconcile. I've had a hard time detaching. It's like the phantom limb syndrome that amputees have where they swear their limb is still there.

LOL! I've never heard it put quite that way You're not yet 4 months since BD, it does keep getting easier with time. Hang in there, you're doing well so far it sounds like Sorry your W is pushing so hard for D, she doesn't know it but she's nowhere near ready for that yet.

[Positivespin]

I just hit my 50 lb mark today!!!!!!!!!! 213.2

I remember breaking out of Obese a few weeks back. Im pretty sure nobody ever bragged so much about being "overweight" as I.

Ive learned that people around here post when your about to drive off a cliff. If your stable it can feel like a lonely place- just keep posting because eyes are looking.

How did your workouts go this weekend???

[LBH_LC]

Hang in there, you're doing well so far it sounds like Sorry your W is pushing so hard for D, she doesn't know it but she's nowhere near ready for that yet.

Thanks for the reply! I'm trying! Yeah, I think the STBX is moving crazy fast; within the first two weeks after the BD, she filed, created dating profiles, stopped using my last name, etc.

When I asked her about this, way back when we were talking, she rationalized the quick filing as "well, we have a lot of bills we need to settle." She said that she was planning on leaving earlier in 2012, but held off when my dad died. I was hurting bad, and I said "I wish you had, it would have been easier for me to hate you." I almost wonder if the TRO bullshit is her trying to make it easier for me to hate her. If so, it's not working.

This is her second D, so maybe the whole D thing isn't a big deal to her now. She was separated for years on the first M before she finalized that one.

I just hit my 50 lb mark today!!!!!!!!!! 213.2

I remember breaking out of Obese a few weeks back. Im pretty sure nobody ever bragged so much about being "overweight" as I.

Ive learned that people around here post when your about to drive off a cliff. If your stable it can feel like a lonely place- just keep posting because eyes are looking.

How did your workouts go this weekend???

Congratulations! Workouts went great this weekend. I finished Week 2, Day 3 of the C25K. Week 3, Day 1 starts after work tonight. Still lifting, started a new routine last week. Finally switched to free weights for most of exercises now; it's a much greater experience.

Spent 12 hours Saturday volunteering for a local non-profit at their big annual event. (Well, 9 hours working and 3 at an afterparty. ) All-in-all, not a bad weekend.

I think the kitchen scale I ordered from Amazon gets here today; looking forward to monitoring my caloric intake with better accuracy. Gotta keep dropping!

[Positivespin]

Lookey you........hitting the afterparties I hear every party out there has a "red Carpet"- did you go and shake your a$$ on that too??? LOL

Do you have your first 5K scheduled yet?

I am running into the "skin" issue- Neck and midsection.....but im telling ya- Im freakin RIPPED underneath that layer of insulation

you sound like your doing pretty good GAL wise????

[LBH_LC]

No, no booty shaking. Just some beers and Chinese food at somebody's house.

I haven't scheduled my first 5K yet; there's color run called Run or Dye coming to town, but they haven't published the date, time, or route yet. My town is regularly in the triple digits this summer, so that is a concern for me.

I'm seeing some skin issues on the midsection, but the neck seems to be okay so far. Just .4 lbs until I am merely overweight!

The GAL part is going well, but the job hunt is not going as well as I would like. Between my current job and the gym, it feels like there's not enough time in the day; especially when my cat is clamoring for attention when I get home. (She's a special hybrid breed that acts more like a dog than a cat.)

I've been feeling really down the past couple days and more than a little irked that I am currently paying the brunt of our shared debt until the settlement is done. I'm making a huge car payment (3 year loan in both our names) that is taking a massive chunk out of my paycheck and I'm still paying doctors' bills from a few procedures I had before the BD. I know I will be made whole financially once this is settled, but it is very rough for me right now. Little to no money for fun things. As far as I know, the STBX has no debts gobbling up her paycheck currently, so she's probably having a grand old time.

[Positivespin]

Thank god its not november or some turkey hunting crazy on a few to many brews would take one look at my neck and bag me

Its kind of jacked up that, in your case, a speedy settlement might be good for you - FINANCIALLY

I completely understand the not enough time feeling- there's ALOT going on and we need to get our new daily schedules lined up for our convenience.

whats your plan for maintaining these incredible steps you made running wise during those hot 100+ days?

[LBH_LC]

I've done all my Couch to 5K running in the gym on a treadmill at 1% incline (for easier transition to trail running later). I've been planning to complete the C25K on the treadmill and then switching over to trail running outside when the weather is nice. I know that even with the incline, it will be an adjustment though.

I completed C25K Week 3 Day 1 yesterday, now it my leg day on the weights tonight.