I've always loved this most excellent and very touching song by Lenny Kravitz. If you've never heard it you'll definitely want to look it up...
Life is just a lonely highway I'm out here on the open road I'm old enough to see behind me But young enough to feel my soul I don't wanna lose you baby And I don't wanna be alone Don't wanna live my days without you But for now I've got to be without you
I've got a pocket full of money And pocket full of keys that have no bounds But then I think of lovin' And I just can't get you off of my mind
Babe can't you see That this is killing me
I don't want to push you baby And I don't want you to be told It's just that I can't breathe without you Feel like I'm gonna lose control
I've got a pocket full of money, oh yes I do And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds But when it comes to lovin' I just can't get you off of my mind, yeaaah
Am I a fool to think that there's a little hope Yeah yeahhhhhheee yeah Tell me baby, yeah What are the rules the reasons and the do's and don'ts Yeah yeahhhhhheee yeah Tell me baby tell me baby, yeah What do you feel inside?
I've got a pocket full of money And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds Oh yeah But when it comes down to lovin' I just can't get you off of my mind, yeah I just can't get you off of my mind, yeah.
Just came off a fun weekend. Went to a veggie group meet up with my buddy on Saturday. Met some new people, ate some good food and played volleyball on the beach.
Sunday W and I visited her Dad as we do every week. Helped him move his new homemade roof top carrier for his van, and picked some veggies from his garden. On our Anniversary trip one of the things W mentioned was that she wasn't sure how Dad would take our getting D, now that I've stepped up interacting with him over the last year and a half. She's spent a lot of time figuring out who would/would not be hurt by us getting D. Seems like a true MLC'er wouldn't give a rats behind, no?
After we went home, I tuned up a bicycle for a neighbor and then invited my Lil Sis and her H to join W and I for dinner at a Vegan brewery I learned about on Saturday. Lots of good food and micro brews. Everyone had a great time and BIL couldn't stop thanking me for finding this place. And he's not even a veggie!
So, wife and I are still in the new normal, getting along fine as roommates who don't interact much at times. We both share in the chores and making of meals. I've been impressing her with new dishes in this area at times!
W's in her crazy busy period at work and she's fretting about keeping up with demands, often working on weekends. She often vents to me about it, and of course now I'm a much better listener now than I have been in the past. W told me how she just wanted to slap GF when she kept saying "welcome to corporate America" while W was venting to her! GF needs to polish up her listening skills a bit, I'd say!
I'm just holding the marriage fort together and enjoying each day as best I can... doing amazingly well most of the time.
Read a bit recently about mindfulness... cool stuff. Thanks for following along everyone!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
As she was getting ready for work this morning W tells me she had another bad dream last night. In it she was sleeping on the couch and woke up to find me standing over her and coming down to strangle her.
I said "Nooooo". She was leaving the room when she added, "it happens every 4 weeks or so."
W continues to do much searching for answers to cure the pain she is dealing with. I believe she is journaling every day. Ascribes meaning to events in her life. Searching the spiritual. Analyzing dreams and interactions with others. Has a Dali Lama quote book and another inspirational book by her bed. Found a small wooden "El Yogui" head while on vacation. The story is the yogui was a very sad man, and when his neighbors decided to visit to cheer him up, he instead took away all their sorrows and then was considered a holy man. He too is now on her night stand.
There was a morning dove building a nest on W's (and other people's) car at her work the past couple of weeks. One of the girls looked up what this could mean and W read it all to me. It was a long list of possibilities, mostly about allowing yourself to fly in the wind and move on through life... but then again it could mean death was coming too! She laughed when she told me maybe her whole department was going to die together!
Told me "there must be something I need to figure out". I just listened and encouraged her to continue. At the end I said that I'm confident that she will figure it all out in time.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I've kept up with your sitch from a distance and I think you're DBing wonderfully.
There was a morning dove building a nest on W's (and other people's) car at her work the past couple of weeks. One of the girls looked up what this could mean and W read it all to me. It was a long list of possibilities, mostly about allowing yourself to fly in the wind and move on through life... but then again it could mean death was coming too! She laughed when she told me maybe her whole department was going to die together!
Dove represents peace. Building a nest is building a home. This means that Spirit is working on bringing peace and serenity in W's life (and to these other owners). Hold on to this dream interpretation.
FY, my H was fixated on finding his spiritual roots last year about this time. A year ago this last weekend he went to a "spirit fair" with a drinking buddy and even had his palm read & future told. Whatever the lady told him really frightened H and he wouldn't tell me what it was.
Then he became very interested in dreams (urged by drinking buds) and even read a book on them. This was quite out of character for my H. He said all the book said was in the dream that you are the player in every scene regardless of who it was. Then he quickly lost interest even though he said he had a journal by his bedside and intended to record his dreams. He never did it.
He also bought some incense to burn and a peaceful fountain and brought them home here but seems to have no interest in the incense even though S13 has asked him a bunch of times to burn it.
I think it's all part of that discovery journey they are on. He seems to have little interest in those things now.
Just wanted to share that. And that as always, you are the perfect DBer.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
FY, I feel such compassion for your wife. She knows something is wrong and she is trying so hard to figure it out.
And I feel such compassion for you. To love her so much to allow her to figure it out is such a gift to her.
I really think she is working through this, FY. It might take some time, but, I have such high hopes that she will realize that through it all, there was you, giving her wings and helping her fly, but, ready to catch her if she falls.
You are an incredible man. You are both always in my prayers.
Neither W nor I had plans for the 4th, so this morning I decided to ask her if she wanted to walk the gardens at Cantigny Park. Nature hikes used to be a regular of ours, and she accepted. The entire time there she was very withdrawn. Little conversation on her end. Kept some distance from me as we walked. On the way home we stopped by my work, where I gave her the tour of my facilities extreme makeover. We got on a little better here. We then went out for buffet lunch, stuffed ourselves silly, and went home to take naps.
When I woke up, I asked W if she wanted to join me going out for coffee. (and to fill the gas tank on her car, which is something I always do for her) Again, she said yes.
While we were there she started to open up. Told me how going out for a nature walk with me today was a reminder of how she doesn't want to hold my hand or even touch me. How she can't go on like this, not being happy. She knows she still can be happy, but is afraid if she waits too long (to make a change) she won't ever be able to.
Said she gets along ok through the week with me, doing chores and going through day to day living, but being out there today was really hard on her, seeing others holding hands, and thinking about how she feels nothing like that for me, and doesn't believe she ever will. Said she knew she couldn't tell me about it then, because she would have started crying.
(I think to myself: me too)
She's also concerned that a birthday party we're going to tomorrow night for my nephew may actually include a surprise 30th Anniversary party for us. As you can imagine, she is really not up for that, but says she'll somehow manage to get through it if it happens.
Ouch, ouch, ouch. I really didn't say much, just listened. I then thanked her for going out with me today, and for telling me how she felt.
When we got home she started doing dishes... while singing along to classic country songs. Many quite sad, like this one:
And I've got to keep goin' I can't lay down Sleep won't hardly come Where there's loneliness all around
I've got to keep goin' Travlin' down this lonesome road I'll be rollin' with the flow Goin' where the lonely go
I keep thinking about how some MLC'ers need to "see it through".
Everyone here keeps telling me I'm doing a great job DB. I usually think so too, but I also feel like maybe I should be doing something else/more. IDK. The only thing I know for sure is this stuff is really hard! Thanks all.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You ARE doing a great job DBing Forever, or else your W would not be so comfortable opening up to you like this. So sorry for the pain it is causing you. Sort of like a mini BD every time right?
Please continue to try to ignore it the best you can. I truly believe that when she says stuff like "....seeing others holding hands, and thinking about how she feels nothing like that for me, and doesn't believe she ever will" it is just due to the emotional paralysis MLC has caused her, and not any indication of how she will feel in the future at all if and when she escapes from the tunnel.
I say this with confidence because of my own personal experience. My H went thru replay then became horribly depressed and withdrawn from me for almost a year. Then he dipped back into replay for a few months and then (after "breaking up" with RT the first time) turned back into my pre-MLC H. He was BETTER than my pre-MLC H. Loving, kind, fun, affectionate. For 5 whole months. Then he went back into replay with a vengence. He now has added denial of those 5 months to his marital rewrite.
But to me that is proof positive (and I have examined this wearing T^'s goggles and white lab coat) that our old spouse is still there, buried. And if and when they escape, they will love us again.
And I have such faith that your W will escape, that she is struggling to wake up right now. Maybe some of the vets can give you specific tips on something you can actually do, but all I can do is tell you how much I admire your faithfulness and kindness to your W. You're a good man FY.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
GF needs to polish up her listening skills a bit, I'd say! 
