My husband and I have been married almost two years. Together for three. We had a great relationship at the beginning, like most. We didn't see each other a lot at first. (Once a week). He basically works two full time jobs by choice. One is family owned. It was ok though we started seeing one another a few times a week it worked ok, it was about the quality of our time really.
So I knew he was busy from the start, he was open and upfront about that. But as we got closer and got into a relationship, he also let me know clearly that I was so very important to him (the most important actually). And he made time for us and our relationship. If there was an event he was there, a family get together he was there even if a bit late. He wanted to be with me and have a life with me. We spoke of this many times.
Well fast forward another year and a half and after the wedding and he starts changing. He is later and later at work. Than after work he heads to the family job well he is later and later there. And it has just gotten worse. He always wanted me to talk him if his time became an issue. I tried two times. Last time I even wrote it out, cried and told him I was lonesome for him all the time and needed him. He just shrugged his shoulders.
He no longer comforts me like he used to, he doesn't care if I cry, he doesn't care if things are wrong with us he just leaves and I don't hear from him. He never treated me this way before I married him. He couldn't stand if I was upset. He would call and call. He had to fix it
He makes time for anything and everyone else but he has no time for me. We maybe see one another a hour a day. He works all weekend to. So the relationship is time starved and I know you will say well it was from the start but it was different because than it was different. The little time we had together was so important to both of us. Now if it means visiting or just being longer away he is. And I am not perfect by no means but I have given up. He shouldn't be avoiding home, I don't nag him to do anything here. I quit talking to him about my needs. I just go to work, keep the house clean, cook his suppers, and pack his lunches. And feel like his roommate versus his wife.
He has no time for me and our home. He makes me feel like he has no room in his life for me anymore and like after he married me I became a bother to him versus the woman he loved.
It just hurts me so bad because we spoke about what we wanted out of this marriage. And I was terrified being it was my second go round. I wanted it to be right this time. But all he said than and the way he was to me is gone. And it hurts me because that was my biggest fear in marrying him was that he would change on me. He begged me to give him a chance, let him prove it to me, he wasn't like my ex, he promised. And now this. I'm sorry this got so long, I'm just devasted I have no one to talk to. My family doesn't care. Any advice please. Thanks!
I am glad you found Michele's website. There is alot of help here to get you on the right track. Please read the 1st chapter of Divorce Remedy, you can find it under sample Michele's books. The best way to start turning things around is working with a Divorce Busting coach. They are fantastic, and you will hang up after the first session with a plan on how to go forward. It is also extremely important to understand how you got to this point so early in the realtionship....and how not to find yourself in this situation again. Take good care and I will look forward to talking to you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Then the two of you are at two different levels of relationship maturity. He's making alot of the rookie mistakes that you make when you're first M'd. You, however, have expectations because of what happened before.
He thinks you will always be there no matter what until you pack your bags. Have you discussed C with him?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No I don't think he will take me seriously. And we have spoke many times. He says he knows he is doing wrong by me in this marriage. But even after all the times we spoke he does nothing to change it. I did speak to him about couseling a few months back. He just is to busy. He is always to busy for me. He only has time for his job and than the family business. Oh and also his hobby like working outside he finds time for that. Like say he comes home and he has 15 minutes before he has to go to work he had no problem spending 10 of that outside and only having 5 left with me and than complaing oh were does the morning go. I'm just always last on his list.
I just don't want this for the rest of my life. I knew he was a busy guy when I met him but he treated me so wonderfully. Well like I said after the wedding he just started treating me different, being very mean to me, saying things to me I never thought I would here from him, walking out on me,etc. And I'm not perfect but I really have tried hard to make this work, but I feel like I'm in a no win situtaion because everything I do, and say is wrong, alot of the time I honestly feel like he hates me now.
Yes we still have a active sex life, it is off and on, I would not say it is as on as it used to be. He is always tired. It used to be everyday or at least every other, now it can be days, but he complains that I quit giving him any, but he's to tired to do anything alot of the time.
Yes I truly believe that to that after the wedding he got very complacent in this marriage and just takes me for granite. Before we were married he was always worried about losing me and just great and now he just acts like he could care less about me, what is going on in my life. I am no longer on his list of prorities. I feel like I am just here taking up space. I felt like this in my first marriage and I let him know all about that and how I never wanted to feel that way again. And he was so understanding and all, and now here I sit same boat just a different man.
Yours is actually a very common story. He has shut down in the M, you are trying to reach out to him but to him all your reaching out just looks like nagging. So now you are thinking about leaving. At some point (and it may have happened already) you'll decide you can't get through to him and you will quit trying. He will think things are BETTER because in his eyes, you have quit "nagging" so things are fine! Unbeknownst to him, you will be secretly planning your escape. Then one day you will "drop the bomb" on him, you'll tell him you're done trying, that you asked him to change and he wouldn't, and you see no hope. Here's the truly sad part- you will think that this will make him happy too because you think he's as miserable as you, but he will be SHOCKED that you're leaving the M and he will THEN do everything he can to save the M, but to you it will be "too late for that". This is a pattern that is repeated over and over and over again. It describes the majority of stories here.
So how can you break out of this pattern?
First, quit "nagging". You aren't trying to nag, you are trying to communicate with him. But he sees it as nagging and does what all men do when nagged- shuts down and/ or walks away.
Second, understand that he's not going to snap out of it on his own one day and start lavishing you with attention. If you want him to change, then you've got to change. You're stuck in a cycle right now. Read the 5 Love Languages and learn how to fill his love tank, even if you don't think you love him anymore and you have to force yourself to do the love language steps it can lead to him falling back in love with you and vice versa. But YOU need to change first.
Third, as a last resort, drop the bomb on him BEFORE you are checked out. If my W had come to me before she was done with the M and given me an ultimatum, I would have moved heaven and earth to save the M. In fact I did just that, but for her it was "too late". And now she asks why I didn't do all of the things I've done BEFORE it was too late. The simple answer is this- I DIDN'T KNOW. I didn't know she was unhappy, I didn't know what I was doing wrong in the M, I didn't know she was checking out. Like most LBS's, I didn't know any of this until it was "too late". So if nothing else works for you, then take your H aside and tell him you are DONE with his lack of interest in you and the M and you are ready to move on. He may say "good riddance", but chances are better that he will be shocked out of his complacency and suddenly show genuine interest in pulling the M back together.
Also read through Sandi2's threads, she was in the exact same spot you are in when she came here, she was one foot out the door for much the same reasons as you describe. I think you might find it helpful to walk in her footsteps as she put her M back together again.
