Not really a new comer more like I failed on what I learned two and a half years ago and here I am again.... I’ll make this as short as I can but there is a lot so if you have the time please read.
When I was here the first time I was separated from my wife of then 9 years we are now at 11 years. The first time she was ILYBNILWY and had two different boy friends and who knows how many different men she was talking to online. She had a drug problem an anger problem and was generally just a mean person. She left the kids with me while she moved back to her home town an hour and a half away.
My problem was I didn’t stick up for her when she felt she was being attacked or disrespected. That I would tend to worry about money too much. That we lived too far from her family and that I had an attitude when we went to her family’s houses for gatherings.
7 months went by while we were separated, it took me awhile (3 of the 7 months) to figure out that I needed to work on me and leave her alone. I was invited to go to.Las Vegas with a group of friends in that group was another woman and I had a one night stand with her in Vegas. I immediately regretted it and I realized how lost I truly was. That I wasn't really working on me but putting a bandaid on a gushing wound.
While this was happening I was still talking to my wife except I wasn’t talking to her about us I was talking to her about my life and our kids. Her attitude towards me started to change and She called me up after 7 months of separation and asked to come back home. I was ecstatic and welcomed her back. We did MC for a short while, we did about 4 sessions where she mainly talked and I sat listening to her and how i wasnt the person she married and how my family judged her and how she didn’t like MC and that we really couldn’t afford it anyways. So we stopped going. During this time I would try to talk to her about her infidelity and mine. I also found text messages from her and the OM during the first three months and finally got tired of it I called him told him to back off and then blocked his number(another band aid) during the first few months things were up and down and she would get angry very quickly and would hit me. I got tired of it and told her we are done if she hit me again. We started to do better I got a new job that I love and was working out as was she and things started to feel great. Then she got into a fight with one of my friends wives. It was violent and my kids were there. The only thing I thought of doing was getting my kids to the car and safe. I went back and tried to break them up but my friend came out of the house yelling and he pushed my wife about six feet back to where she fell on her back. This is where I was supposed to kick my friends ass. I guess he hit her and pulled her hair out. This is the Situation she likes to go back to often.
A year later (now)... my failings I still worry about money, I don't kick my friends asses, I don't trust her. I'm the sole earner and she has a small contract job that makes us an extra 150 to 200 dollars a month. We were renting from my parents and the sold their other house last November and moved in with us. We have been saving money to move and we found a place ...but last month she broke her phone so she had to use an old one when she got the new phone in she gave my sister the old one and low and behold my sister finds text messages to another man.
This time it's her "first love" and all hell breaks loose. I confront her and she denies them as being old from when we split up. I tell her that it isn't true. That the texts are from now and I know this because of our phone records. I also confront the OM. Wife is now pissed and wants to be done. She hates my sister and continues to lie about the texts.
She leaves to her mother's house and has been there for close to a month. She is angry saying she felt trapped that I wouldn't let her go out with friends. This isn't true I would have. she never asked. When I would ask her she would say no or that she didn't feel like seeing so and so.
She is really angry and I wouldn't leave her be. She rarely texts me and rarely calls me. I feel alone. We are switching the kids off every other week. I stayed the weekend down there with her two weeks ago and we slept together. I felt like things were better but each time I left she became instantly distant. Wouldn’t call or text and I would trip. I felt and feel like she doesn’t care. Which may be true, she told me she is angry and she feels like I am not letting her have space and that I won’t give her time. So I have resolved to only talking about the kids and trying not to talk about how she feels about me. I’m doing okay. I feel cut off from her, naturally, and I want to be able to tell her I love her and I miss her and I want to continue our lives. She doesn’t want to hear it. I just need help, I need to re-remember what it is I need to do. I do not want a divorce I do not want my kids to be going back and forth. I just want to fix it.
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
Welcome (back?) to the DB forum. Very sorry you are having so much trouble.
I'm posting the 37 rules for you... read them daily. 1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
God bless and good luck.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Not really a new comer more like I failed on what I learned two and a half years ago and here I am again....
I'm a little confused about your post, because you imply that you are somehow at fault but then you describe a woman who is very, very troubled. If what you are describing is accurate, you are in a really toxic relationship. Possibly even dangerous.
Quote:
had two different boy friends and who knows how many different men she was talking to online. She had a drug problem an anger problem and was generally just a mean person. She left the kids with me while she moved back to her home town an hour and a half away.
It sounds like she still has an anger problem, what about the drug problem, is that still there?
Quote:
during the first few months things were up and down and she would get angry very quickly and would hit me. I got tired of it and told her we are done if she hit me again.
You do realize this is completely unacceptable and actually criminal behavior? You're a battered husband. It sounds like you may be blaming yourself for her behavior, is that the case?
Quote:
Then she got into a fight with one of my friends wives. It was violent and my kids were there. The only thing I thought of doing was getting my kids to the car and safe.
Good for you, that was absolutely the right thing to do.
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This is where I was supposed to kick my friends ass. I guess he hit her and pulled her hair out. This is the Situation she likes to go back to often.
As what, an example of how she thinks you should have gotten violent and didn't, and therefore you were in the wrong? Because if that's what she thinks then SHE is wrong.
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my failings I still worry about money, I don't kick my friends asses, I don't trust her.
Those aren't failings. You should worry about money, because she clearly doesn't. SOMEONE needs to be responsible. And not kicking people's asses, obviously that's not a failing. And based on your description, not trusting her isn't a failing, it's prudent, because she's not to be trusted.
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I feel cut off from her, naturally, and I want to be able to tell her I love her and I miss her and I want to continue our lives. She doesn’t want to hear it. I just need help, I need to re-remember what it is I need to do. I do not want a divorce I do not want my kids to be going back and forth. I just want to fix it.
I think she's the one that needs help, but it sounds like she's in denial about it and maybe you are too. I really think you need to seek out IC, if what you've portrayed here is accurate then your W needs serious help and you need help in seeing her for what she is so that you can act accordingly to protect you and your children. Are you comfortable that your children are safe spending every other week with your W? Does her violent nature come out when dealing with the children? Is she still doing drugs even "recreationally"? What kind of people is she hanging out with?
I'm a little confused about your post, because you imply that you are somehow at fault but then you describe a woman who is very, very troubled. If what you are describing is accurate, you are in a really toxic relationship. Possibly even dangerous.
Yes, I understand that but how do I not take some of the blame when things didn't get better?
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It sounds like she still has an anger problem, what about the drug problem, is that still there?
She drinks wine.... but says she only has a few and that she is fine. It however bothers the hell out of me and has been going on for the past year. I don't know I think she is getting back to pill popping
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You do realize this is completely unacceptable and actually criminal behavior? You're a battered husband. It sounds like you may be blaming yourself for her behavior, is that the case?
Yes I do realize it. Yes I understand that I could have and probably should have just called the cops but I thought that I could handle it myself and I did. I told her that if she was to hit me again we were done. It hasn't happened since. However she has hit other people.
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Then she got into a fight with one of my friends wives. It was violent and my kids were there. The only thing I thought of doing was getting my kids to the car and safe.
Good for you, that was absolutely the right thing to do.
Thank you, apparently I'm the only one to think like this
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As what, an example of how she thinks you should have gotten violent and didn't, and therefore you were in the wrong? Because if that's what she thinks then SHE is wrong.
Yes, she feels as though I didn't stand up for her that I didn't "have her back" and that I should have effed the guy up.
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Those aren't failings. You should worry about money, because she clearly doesn't. SOMEONE needs to be responsible. And not kicking people's asses, obviously that's not a failing. And based on your description, not trusting her isn't a failing, it's prudent, because she's not to be trusted.
Thank you, she still likes to bring up how I worry about it. How I "didn't" have her back.
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I think she's the one that needs help, but it sounds like she's in denial about it and maybe you are too. I really think you need to seek out IC, if what you've portrayed here is accurate then your W needs serious help and you need help in seeing her for what she is so that you can act accordingly to protect you and your children. Are you comfortable that your children are safe spending every other week with your W? Does her violent nature come out when dealing with the children? Is she still doing drugs even "recreationally"? What kind of people is she hanging out with?
Right now I don't know who she is hanging out with other than her sisters. Before when this happened she was hanging out with some low people who only wanted to party.
She isn't doing drugs recreationally she is doing the to numb the pain she has in her back (sorry I should have stated this) she borrows the pills from her family members. I don't know how to feel about my kids being there with her. She dropped the divorce this weekend and also said that I would have a hard time proving that she is an unfit mother. I don't know what the hell to do. I think maybe letting go could be the right thing but I don't want my children to be without me.
I will do individual counseling and I can bring up a laundry list of things about her that can prove her to be unfit but I don't want to fight like that. Am I delusional?
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
Update: She told me she wanted a divorce this weekend. I of course crashed and burned. I couldn't do much but just sit there and ask why? why? why? Rather than shut my mouth. I asked her for more time, but I am thinking that it was pointless. I don't know what to do other than just back away. She has my kids, every other week) and is looking for a job, she wants the kids birth certificates and shot records so she can enroll them into school. Is talking to a lawyer and has a huge list of judges both in Denver and in Colorado Springs. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know if I should be looking for a lawyer and start making a defense for myself and my rights as the father of my children.
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
My wife dropped the bomb. Long story long I've been here before. In hind sight should have never left. Need help advice.
When I was here the first time I was separated from my wife of then 9 years we are now at 11 years. The first time she was ILYBNILWY and had two different boy friends and who knows how many different men she was talking to online. She had a drug problem an anger problem and was generally just a mean person. She left the kids with me while she moved back to her home town an hour and a half away.
My problem was I didn’t stick up for her when she felt she was being attacked or disrespected. That I would tend to worry about money too much. That we lived too far from her family and that I had an attitude when we went to her family’s houses for gatherings.
7 months went by while we were separated, it took me awhile (3 of the 7 months) to figure out that I needed to work on me and leave her alone. I was invited to go to.Las Vegas with a group of friends in that group was another woman and I had a one night stand with her in Vegas. I immediately regretted it and I realized how lost I truly was. That I wasn't really working on me but putting a bandaid on a gushing wound.
While this was happening I was still talking to my wife except I wasn’t talking to her about us I was talking to her about my life and our kids. Her attitude towards me started to change and She called me up after 7 months of separation and asked to come back home. I was ecstatic and welcomed her back. We did MC for a short while, we did about 4 sessions where she mainly talked and I sat listening to her and how i wasnt the person she married and how my family judged her and how she didn’t like MC and that we really couldn’t afford it anyways. So we stopped going. During this time I would try to talk to her about her infidelity and mine. I also found text messages from her and the OM during the first three months and finally got tired of it I called him told him to back off and then blocked his number(another band aid) during the first few months things were up and down and she would get angry very quickly and would hit me. I got tired of it and told her we are done if she hit me again. We started to do better I got a new job that I love and was working out as was she and things started to feel great. Then she got into a fight with one of my friends wives. It was violent and my kids were there. The only thing I thought of doing was getting my kids to the car and safe. I went back and tried to break them up but my friend came out of the house yelling and he pushed my wife about six feet back to where she fell on her back. This is where I was supposed to kick my friends ass. I guess he hit her and pulled her hair out. This is the Situation she likes to go back to often.
A year later (now)... my failings I still worry about money, I don't kick my friends asses, I don't trust her. I'm the sole earner and she has a small contract job that makes us an extra 150 to 200 dollars a month. We were renting from my parents and the sold their other house last November and moved in with us. We have been saving money to move and we found a place ...but last month she broke her phone so she had to use an old one when she got the new phone in she gave my sister the old one and low and behold my sister finds text messages to another man.
This time it's her "first love" and all hell breaks loose. I confront her and she denies them as being old from when we split up. I tell her that it isn't true. That the texts are from now and I know this because of our phone records. I also confront the OM. Wife is now pissed and wants to be done. She hates my sister and continues to lie about the texts.
She leaves to her mother's house and has been there for close to a month. She is angry saying she felt trapped that I wouldn't let her go out with friends. This isn't true I would have. she never asked. When I would ask her she would say no or that she didn't feel like seeing so and so.
She is really angry and I wouldn't leave her be. She rarely texts me and rarely calls me. I feel alone. We are switching the kids off every other week. I stayed the weekend down there with her two weeks ago and we slept together. I felt like things were better but each time I left she became instantly distant. Wouldn’t call or text and I would trip. I felt and feel like she doesn’t care. Which may be true, she told me she is angry and she feels like I am not letting her have space and that I won’t give her time. So I have resolved to only talking about the kids and trying not to talk about how she feels about me. I’m doing okay. I feel cut off from her, naturally, and I want to be able to tell her I love her and I miss her and I want to continue our lives. She doesn’t want to hear it. I just need help, I need to re-remember what it is I need to do. I do not want a divorce I do not want my kids to be going back and forth. I just want to fix it.
Continues to tell me that she doesn't love me and doesn't have it in here to try any longer. Wants to divorce, I asked her to give it more time for us to just be separated but I don't know what to do. I am going dark I do remember a lot but why did all of this go down again? I really feel like she always had one foot out the door and was never really committed to making our marriage work. I feel a bit lost. I don't want this.
Thank you, I didn't mean to post it twice. Just got impatient. Sorry
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
She wants a divorce.........and I think I am going to let her go. I know this isn't a good practice but I don't know if I can forgive her for having A and EA multiple times. I don't know what to do. I am lost. I am hurt and I'm missing the hell out of my kids.
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
