Thank you all for your thoughts...that cat would park herself on my chest when it was meditation time, her purrs helped me sync and slow down my breathing. And she slept on the bed every night through this sitch, so now I really am sleeping alone...
W must have gotten some useful/comforting(?) info from ob/gyn/hormone docs, she was pretty much "herself" last night. Seemed sort of relieved maybe, idk. Told me some of the hormone thoughts and theories, but not too revealing whether she was feeling better about the influence of the hormonal changes affecting her attraction to me, her journey (as we call it now) and things like that. That's okay, the answers will come in one form or another...
She did let out that her friends apparently don't want to/can't listen to, and I quote, "her sh!t anymore and she needs to see a therapist". No mind reading that statement from me, it's her experience, her thoughts, etc. I was just my newer usual self, validating, full-on engaged listening, and some good ol' fashioned STFU. I do like this "no-fix" mentality. Seems to help keep communication co-operative and empathetic...and less stressful for all parties.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
She did let out that her friends apparently don't want to/can't listen to, and I quote, "her sh!t anymore and she needs to see a therapist". No mind reading that statement from me, it's her experience, her thoughts, etc. I was just my newer usual self, validating, full-on engaged listening, and some good ol' fashioned STFU. I do like this "no-fix" mentality. Seems to help keep communication co-operative and empathetic...and less stressful for all parties.
Sorry about the loss of your cat, T^2. Our pets' unconditional love is so comforting.
Speaking from personal experience, peri-menopause can be a horrible time due to the hormonal imbalance. I could not sleep, I could not concentrate or think clearly, would burst into tears at the slightest provocation, felt horrible. Sort of like a MLCer I bet! Hormone replacement was a life (and marriage) saver.
I am having difficulty validating some of my my H's statements. For example, earlier today, he was discussing a wooden fence he is building and said he could use the white plastic kind across the front of the property. He said he doesn't care one way or the other, and in fact doesn't care or have any interest in anything. I think he could feel that I was truly listening and caring, but didn't know what to say.
I've read that we need to validate our MLCers and let them know that we understand what they are saying and don't think they are crazy or wrong. I did not know what to say - I considered "I understand what you mean" or "really?" but just said "I'm sorry you feel like that." Can you give me an example of what you would have said to validate your W if she said something like that?
Thanks!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I think you said the perfect thing in this situation...you really don't understand what he means because you're not H, so that wouldn't have been validating. And "really" would have implied disbelief or something perhaps...
I think you did great, and this is such a hard skill to learn, goes against what we've been taught for so long that it almost human nature.
It goes against my former nature of "Mr. Fix-it", I still have to conscious think before I open my trap, make sure the filter is properly installed between brain and mouth...lol...
Thank you the insight about peri-menapause..I want to email that to W...we will see...
Hang in there! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I had a GREAT evening last night in the garden, prepping beds and planting some, since our cold spell appears to be over. This weekend it's tomatoes and Peppers finally. "My" cool tomcat decided that I was his turf on his rounds of the yard and sprayed me...W was there all serious, but I couldn't help myself...I just busted up laughing and giggling after my intial WTH? moment. Man, that felt good, just letting it loose with hysterical laughter... Later I got a good workout in, so in all, a fabulous night!
So now the question is my summer trip with the boys to visit my parents (this started in 2011, just before BD#1, she has never gone on this trip)...W said she is thinking of going this year for the youngest's sake, he has the most separation issues when we go. I am not sure I want her to go ...yet. My parents can be high maintenance at times (think of the movie "Meet the Parents"...) which doesn't always mesh with W in the best of her times. And I don't really think I want the stress of her behavior, or for my parents to see how she treats me (for their sake)...I can see W being all pinched and jealous (this is a high $$$ area we visit them at)and we would need to find someone to watch the pets.
On the other hand, maybe a 6 hour drive, as a family, would be a good thing, and me showing my new self in how I deal with my parents (an issue from our old M), would be good as well.
Sort of torn here...I can see the possible good opportunity, yet the possible not so good...and in the past couple of years this has been a good break from mlc-land and a great time bonding with the boys.
And W would have to take time off of her new work (which she has said she is questioning going full-time if she gets offered full-time...hmm).
So that's my dilemma, and my good stuff of moving forward and finding the good in life...lol.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks for your insights T^2, you are very generous about sharing your knowledge and the male perspective, and I so appreciate it.
Women are not really Mr. Fix-Its, but we DO like to tell our Hs what course of action we think they should take, and this is something I struggle against too. Right now my 180s about this are to never give advice/criticize/warn/coax, to let him be the thinking/action oriented/masculine energy one in our relationship, and to not try to control him or the outcome. Whew!
I'm so happy to hear you had a fabulous night with side-busting laugh after the cat sprayed you (pee-u!)! Didn't your W join in the hilarity? How long is it before you have to make the decision about whether to let her join your annual trip or not? Hard decision, lots of pros and cons on each side.
It sounds like you're doing great! Life is good! --Linda
I would give it a little time to see if she is really serious about going. Maybe it was one of those things that she's not really sure about herself, so she's throwing it out there to see your reaction and what you think. She may decide she's not ready to go after all...
Hey, I love Meet the Parents
Sounds like you had a good evening with a few laughs, and are finding great ways to best that stress!
Keep up the great work! (And laughter!)
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
W only managed a half grin...which made me laugh harder...I don't know why...I think I found a part of me again that just can find life funny, absurd, and heck, why get all bent out of shape when you can laugh?
I think you are right TVS, it was a feeler, or "trying on" the idea...since I know she is a last minute decision maker, I will know more the day before we leave most likely, unless I tell her I don't want her to go before hand...we'll see....no hurry yet.
So here's my song to roll me into the weekend:
Bob Marley-- Three Little Birds
"Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
Rise up this mornin', Smiled with the risin' sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin' sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right." Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
Feeling a mischievous, lopsided grin and demeanor coming on... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Okay, I have just decided that this beautiful weekend to be is officially Reggae weekend...only positive, uplifting music and outdoor activity for T^2...no lost love, angry, taciturn, strained, or "down" music allowed...did someone put something in my Kauai coffee today?? lol
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Well, look at you, T, getting your reggae grove on and all! LOL! Love me some Marley.
I have to say, I would have been right there laughing my as$ off with you, T. Life is too short not to live it up whenever you can. And laughter cannot be beat.
Ah, a man who likes to garden! Heaven.
About the trip, I agree with TVS, she is trying it out, seeing how it flies. My guess is that she doesnt end up going.
You do what you want to do, T because a 6 hour trip with an MLCer could go either way. LOL!
Later I got a good workout in, so in all, a fabulous night!