Wow, five threads already. Thank you so much to all of you who have been following and helping me along this journey. It's nice to know that there are so many who care and to have a place I can talk about what is really going on. You're part of the inner circle. No one else in my life knows much of anything, beyond H left and his having a hard time and dealing with depression.
H moved back in this morning, as planned. He has thanked me for letting him move in until he can find something, as finding a new place was really stressing him out. There has been no discussion of timeline. He said he was planning to sleep on the couch, but I had our friends setup his bed in a room downstairs. I don't want to go through another awkward transition of him moving from couch to his own bed, because he "isn't able" to find something. I would not be surprised if he still slept upstairs on the couch, but we will see. Now he has options, so we don't have to talk about it.
I think he is here to stay for awhile, or until it's too uncomfortable. So that would depend a lot on me I suppose. His friends who helped him move said that he made no mention of how long this was for. I figured if he was planning on leaving soon, he would tell them he would need help again in the next week or month, but who knows. I think in his mind this is temporary, but he is too depressed/stressed to make any "big" decisions right now. To me it's pretty simple. Look at apartments close to work, close to the boys, and pick one. I can understand that is not how he functions right now. Maybe he realizes that doing so might be the end of us, and he's not ready to make that kind of leap, but who knows. That may be way too complex for his current state of mind. Besides, he doesn't want me, remember!?
He has been hanging around here all day. He put all of his stuff away where it goes. I was expecting he would just want to put all of it downstairs, all packed up, ready to go. But nope. He has hung his clothes up in the master closet. He has put his toiletries in the master bathroom. (Not the kids bath or guest bath as I might have thought.)
He fell asleep on the couch for about 3 hours. I put away the rest of the stuff he just left out on the counter and started his laundry. I think he brought back almost all of his clothes in the dirty clothes hamper. Not too many clean. I don't think he has done it in maybe three weeks or more, although that was always his excuse as to why he needed to get back to his place, to do his laundry. I took off shopping once he was awake and I put S2 down for a nap. (I take S0 with me everywhere.) I think H has been on that couch now for 6 hours.
Going out to dinner with my parents tonight and invited H to come along, but he said he would just stay in. I said no problem. I don't want to be rude/awkward by not inviting him, but I was fine either way.
So the thoughts of what he is hiding is still on my mind, making me uncomfortable. I don't want to find something out 9 months from now. I don't want OW to have involvement in a D either. He hasn't done anything with any OW for a week. Nothing makes logical sense. Why would it?
It can't be racking up debt. I have access to and control all finances and credit reports/alerts. He doesn't want to have anything to do with finances, as much as I want to involve him. He wants his own CC and bank account, but hasn't done that either. If he got any kind of credit, I would know.
Can't be drugs. I see him enough that I would be able to know, plus not sure how he'd get the money for it. We don't use cash. He doesn't even drink, and I know he has been in settings where people are, and have tried to get him to, and he doesn't. So all I can think is pregnancy/std/nothing and he is exaggerating/he has already told me like he said, that it's having sex with ow1. He would consider any kind of a inappropriate relationship an affair (at least the old him would.)
Why does he think it's so much better to not talk about things and have to live with them? I would so rather tell someone and get it out in the open. I guess that's just me. I have always told him everything, and now it's hard to keep my mouth shut. The on going power of STFU! Hopefully it will work its magic sooner, rather than later.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I keep asking myself, is this right? Is this what is supposed to be happening? I mean of course it is, and of course it's not. Just whatever will keep me on my toes, right? I feel like I am undergoing the test of my life. Maybe this is one of my finals to determine the new and lasting me.
Two nights down. H seems pretty happy, far change from how he was a week ago. He hasn't spent anytime looking for an apartment, that I know of. He spent yesterday morning in his underwear. Kind of funny to me, when he never did that when he moved in to help with the new baby. He also walked around in a towel in front of me. He uses the master bathroom for showering and getting ready. When I told the boys to get ready for Church, he helped get them ready, and we all went together as a family. I asked him questions about simple things and followed what he wanted to do. This is a big change. In our previous life he would always ask me everything, every little thing, like what cereal to give the kids, what socks to wear. If he asks me anything like that now I just tell him either is great or whatever he wants. He doesn't ask me much anymore.
We made dinner together too. I grilled some tuna and tilapia on the bbq, cut up a watermelon, and he made a green salad and pasta. He suggested the pasta, and took care of everything. I did things he would normally do, like set the table and turning on the grill. He said things to the boys like, we were eating together as a family, and they needed to stay at the table until we were all done. He has said the term "together as a family" quite a lot. I wonder if it's natural, as that's how it would be before, and it would be unnatural to try and use a different phrase. He told me he had invited our good friends, another couple who lives nearby, over to play games. So we did that after dinner. He cleaned up and vacuumed while I was feeding the baby. None of this was discussed on who would do what. We just did it. Saw what needed to be done, and did it. I didn't ask him to do anything. If I needed something needed to be done, I would do it myself.
The older two boys have slept downstairs with him both nights. He wanted to know if that was okay and I said as long as he was fine with it, I was.
So we are good friends, living as roommates (where one feels comfortable enough to walk around in their underwear) and no physical contact, no questions of any kind, no pressure. We talk a lot about things of no importance, music, books, movies, work.
And here is the thing that is probably the most surprising of all, I feel happy. I've been laughing, real laughing, not these fleeting moments of happiness. I don't feel fake. I don't feel like I'm trying or manipulating. It's just natural. I have felt like before I was playing a game, I was on egg shells, I was doubting everything I was saying or doing. And now it just is. It's just me. I'm not worried about if he'll move out or if he'll stay. I think I've just let it go. It's out of my hands, and whatever will happen is going to happen.
It's nice to have another adult around to help with the kids, to talk to, to make cooking a meal worthwhile. But I know he isn't done. I doubt he is anywhere near done destroying let alone working on himself. I think this is just buying him some time to figure out what he wants--or rather time to not have to figure it out. I would be surprised if he isn't in some kind of contact with some kind of OW, but nothing I can do about it, so not going to speculate. I do have that nagging feeling still that something is going to come up, but trying to let that go and deal with it when and if it does.
I've been reading and trying to follow the 37 rules. Any tips and insights always help.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Raine, I would suggest that you go back and read all of HRM's threads. She received a lot of wonderful advice and it appears to have paid off.
Keep your expectations at zero at all times.
Hope you and you the children are doing well. How's the baby?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly! I read quite a bit of her threads before when T^2 mentioned her, but that was at such a different time in what was going on with me. I dug back into her threads today at your suggestion. The one thing that sticks out is how much I relate to the feelings and emotions of the non MLC spouse. I think we focus a lot on how scripted the MLCers are, yet it's nice for me to be able to realize, I'm not alone, and it's okay to feel this way.
The little man is doing brilliant. They change so much and so fast. He is smiling and starting to laugh. He is such an easy going baby. The other boys just adore him and want to hold him. Even S2 is great with him. No jealousy so far. S8 has been a huge help with his younger brothers.
Update: Tonight H didn't get home from work until much later than normal. In the before, I would call him and find out when he was leaving and then be annoyed if he was late and got tied up at work. This would frustrate him, trying to estimate a time, and frustrate me if i was making dinner. I've been in a cooking mood and made chicken parm tonight. I hadn't talked to H since he left for work. H walked in after we were done eating and getting ready to go to the park. I pointed out what was for dinner and he helped himself. He talked to me about normal chitchat and I was just cheerful self. No big deal. By the time we were ready to go, H was done and came with. I didn't invite him or say anything, he just followed. He talked to me on the way over and the whole time at the park. Once home, We watched TV together and then went out separate ways. He has jumped right in with the parenting too, telling the boys when it was time to leave, go to bed, etc.
I overheard S6 say to H: "I want you to stay here today." H said, "I am staying here today." S6:"no I want you to stay here all the days." Good thing I was in a different room cause had a hard time holding back the tears. H told him he would be here for at least 20 days, he promised at least that. So, I guess I now know a tentative timeline. I don't know the significance of 20 days other than it's about three weeks total.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Raine, You are not alone and what you have been going through and continue to go through is very difficult and especially more so w/an infant in the mix. I'm glad you went back and read some of the threads. There is a lot of good information in them and hopefully some of the information provided comfort to you.
I'm sure your little man is growing by leaps and bounds. S2 and S8 sound like a great boys and are "mommy's helpers". It's always nice when the older boys can help out a bit and it also takes away from some of the tension and jealousy that can occur if they aren't involved w/mommy and the newborn.
As for your h, continue doing what you've been doing. He sounds like he's in a very deep fog and just going w/the flow for now. As for the twenty days, that could be a timeline in his head and you know what? He may not go anywhere after twenty days. He could very well come up w/another excuse to stay at home. Besides, if he was definitely going to be a short term visitor, I do not think he would have unpacked and put his stuff away like he did. He would have left his stuff in the boxes, etc. I wouldn't fret too much w/his timeline for now. Let's see how things go.
Keep the focus on you and your boys. The more freedom he has at home right now, the more likely he will remain in the home.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I completely agree with you snodderly. I think the 20 days was bare minimum in his mind. He told someone else a few months. When asked if it was uncomfortable, he said no. My guess is he will be here until I kick him out or I start infringing on his freedom, any pressure, asking him questions, etc. All the stuff I would have done before. He hasn't done anything yet, but I figure the time is coming. I HATE the sneakiness and lies. I think that is such a huge part of the thrill. I want to tell him go do what you want. I'm not your mom. I assume that's just something that is going to have to take time for him to realize by my actions. Not sure how I could bring that one up.
I know he has a really hard time lying to me, so he needs to be able to do what he wants without feeling I'm controlling him and getting in his business. He would skip a day of work to be with someone, just so he doesn't have to tell me he is going to go do something and then do something/someone else (ha!)
He's still so soaked in replay, but he likes me a lot. How am I supposed to play that? Just be his friend, not pursue or make any plans for us, but go along with what he sets up? I can do just about anything temporarily, but at some point, I'm going to be done with it all.
Funny how this should have been a step towards us, and maybe it is, but he is no where near the edge of his fog. He is much happier than he was a week ago (that was scary) but it may have helped him in the long run to leave him on the street. Likely would have ended any possible chance of anything between him and I, which could result in lingering questions and regrets from me. So eh, what can I do? Just had to go with my heart, and there wasn't any doubts there. I do feel he is better here, and they always say your marriage has a better chance if he stays in the home. I just have a possible(definite) cake eating situation going on. I think it's a way of keeping me on the fence a bit longer, prolonging any action or decision making, and allows him to be around the kids and me on a friendship level.
He came up to the room three times last night after I had gone to bed, in underwear, to ask/answer questions. We were texting. So funny to me. We are in the same house, separate rooms, texting each other and joking back and forth for an hour. It's just so incredibly weird! I feel like we are "married" again. Everything is the same, except me (new name, Miss180) and no physical/relationship stuff. He wants OW for the physical relationship, but he wants me as his best friend. He doesn't seem to have much of an emotional tie to them whatsoever.
He invited a old friend of his over last night to chat and hang out. This friend has no idea of sitch, like almost everyone. That has probably been a very good thing to keep it so quiet. No awkward situations. His friend told me how great I was looking, and told H I was way ahead of him now. Gotta love that!
So for me, I've been a bit stressed with work and how things are going to play out there. I'm feeling really good about it though. Changes are happening, and I'm feeling really positive about it. Likely this is going to give me the chance to work 100% remote. I am loving the idea of not being tied down. Still working out the details though, so I don't want to get ahead of myself. I have a lot of options I'm looking at. I just want to keep things simple right now though. I don't want to be building up something to then start working on a D. So trying to live my life, but sometimes that's hard to do when I need to be in self preservation mode too. Ce la vie.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
just checking in to register my support and fellow-feeling here. it's awful isn't it? the not talking and us all "stfu" all the time. like you- i've always been an honest and up-front guy. probably like me- that what he liked about you (in the beginning) . now, it would appear the more secrative he feels he HAS TO BE , the less he wants to hear one word about what i feel. after all- he's the one inflicting the pain. ifyou can't stand to hear about it- well, what? don't do it? get the heck out of here? idk-
it's insane. i just had to laugh at your stfu comment. cadet or tsq or someone introduced me to notion- it's good i guess to change our m.o. it's hell to be "false" all the time, having strategy and trying to act like someone i am not.
me- all about honesty and being straight.
oh well. one of these days, months, etc. i'll figure out if this h is worth thelove i could have continued to give- worth getting to know again- worth allllllll THIS.... IT'S BEEN hell- it isn't over and he is still in his r w/ow-
$ucks- who know what future holds. good thing we can have each other to support us and learn from- who can hold this stuff in or keep it secret? i'm askin ya??? i'd explode,
also good - the occasional surprise laugh at something someone says that hits home- we're quite a group huh?
lbs of america
and all we have to do is hang on just one more day - then one more day - blah blah blah...
Nero thanks for your post. Just remember, in 4.5 years we are going to be at peace and full of joy, no matter what, right? I think I'm going to get there a bit faster. I want to get there faster. I'm ready now.
I'm enjoying each new stage with these little men I've been blessed to have. Nothing keeps me down for long, because of them. S8 and S6 will both randomly ask me for hugs. How sweet that is. I've been making a practice of not letting go, until they let go, which is always longer than when I would have. S2 is so mischievous and does things, and them looks so surprised and innocent when he gets in trouble. I never had to "baby proof" until he came along. They each have their own unique personalities.
Everything just feels peaceful right now. Everything is falling into place. I'm taking a cut at work, and working 100% remote. That has always been a stress for me, trying to balance work and time with the kids. I know I would never wake up one day and regret that I missed out on anything in my career, but I would have massive regrets if I missed out on time with the boys. I was able to balance that really well for years, having work conform to me, but my role has just expanded to the point it was time to make a drastic change in one direction or the other. I've made the right choice. It wasn't difficult. I already knew.
Things are the same with H. He's not bringing up anything and neither am I. He's taking nights with his friends and so am I. One night before he left he told the boys when they had to be on bed and a few other parenting things. I smiled and nodded, but inside that was seriously surprising and funny, because he has NEVER been the parent in charge. This is a big change for him and so unexpected, considering his moving in as if he was a guest. But this is a very good thing in my mind. He is taking charge. He is being a disciplinarian and actual father to the boys. The way he is acting toward them is a new man. Not his old self. Not the teenager MLCer either. Interesting. No comment or anything from me. I'm letting him lead and supporting him. But seeing some glimpses of a persona he may become is comforting. There may be a light at the end of this tunnel.
Some replay activities happening, with him being sneaky and hiding of it. Lots of questions unanswered. Giving him plenty of space. But for me, it's sure nice to have some help. They boys love having him here. Time will come for me, I know that. But for now, I can handle this. I can handle not focusing on a relationship. I want the boys to have time with and to bond with their dad. It's a blessing that this is even possible, that this is happening right now for whatever time it happens.
One week down. Check!
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I was thinking of you and the latest developments in your situation. I'm sure having your H back home will be good in some ways, bad in others.
The one thing I wanted to say is that I do think this will be helpful for your H to develop a loving and close rapport again with the kids, hopefully guiding him back to reconnect with them.
I have kept that in my mind this whole time with my H - that no matter what, he will always be the children's father. I know he loves them. I want them to be close.
Ultimately, I want us to be close as a family. Not sure if that will happen or not.
Our kids are awesome, aren't they? I am thankful for them every single day. I don't know how I would make it through without them. They seem to be my lighthouse
Always hoping that good things will come your way soon. But I have my fingers out and ready if they don't
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I'm enjoying each new stage with these little men I've been blessed to have. Nothing keeps me down for long,
you are so right to tap into that pleasure and it sure is true- it will seem like the blink of an eye and they'll be teenagers - then have kids of their own. I sit for my neices babies and feel it- and it's just like sitting for her mother 40 years ago - the memories run into each other- seems like it was a few days ago-
they do grow so fast and it is such a wonderful "show" watching them at each new stage. smart smart you to treasure every single moment.
so also - wow and good luck with your h stepping up and being a dad. kids sure need it- my neices all grew up without father around- even tho they'e girls- it's a major factor in shaping the women they become & their attitudes & values.. my nj neice - 14 now is struggling with her dad's alcoholism(geeez ) and honestly- i think he is haveing a mlc - no kidding. the dope keeps calling her for r advice- she's never even had a boyfriend & it's freaking her out- poor kid. it's hard to be a kid these days.
a father is important in life to have - my dad died when i was 18 - and i still feel shortchanged when i see those thanksgiving commercials or hallmark for father's day- wah wah.
anyway- sending good vibes to you about this- who knows rite??? best of luck -
