I have loved my H and tried so hard to be the perfect wife and friend to him but I am nearing the end of my stamina to keep trying to rebuild a friendship and marraige from this shell of a life to something better.
I feel such horrifying shame that his family and my family (and friends) know that he basically doesn't give a crap about me anymore. They know he treats me like crap emotionally. I have no idea if he has had an affair or an emotional affair but he does none of the 5 love languages towards me anymore. His basic attitude is that I may be around but just ignore me. He gives no kind words. He gives no kind actions. He does not touch me. He rarely speeks to me. He seems to hate every thing I do and I feel constantly critisized by him!
I feel so ashamed that everyone knows how he treats me and that I am still here taking this crap.
I am the one to defend him though! I am the one who excuses our pain due to the many horrible experiences we have both endured. I am the one to support him despite (both) of our depressions and feelings from this Hell of outside events we have lived through.
I am the one who has been his friend despite all the Hell. It isn't hse genetic family who has been there. It is ME. And yet to his genetic family who is NEVER there for him (or rarely there for him) he is the loving, kind, funny person who I married.
He walks around like he hates me and I am so dang tired of honoring this man and loving this man who treats me with such dishonor and makes me feel worthless and who doesn't care that my family and his family are judging US each time he blatently disses me even when they are around.
I am ready to walk away. I don't forsee him reversing this pattern towards me and at this point, I am growing tired of loving a guy who basically doesn't love me in return and doesn't show love towards me. He's just cold as ice to me. It's horribly painful to watch him love and joke with people who have not been there for him while he disses me who has. I'm lonely. I'm tired of being isolated, walled off. I am tired of defending HIM and pretending that I don't care about what he does. I am tired of protecting him from people being mad at him for how he treats me. I am tired of defending myself for staying in basically a cold cold environment. He's not physically abusive and he rarely says horrible stuff to me. It's just lonely and cold and I miss the old him and our old relationship and it hurts so much when I see him treating others like he used to treat me.
Hi Summer, I have a few thoughts I would like to get to, but I really think expanding on your sitch will help us support you, so much more.
First, you have never really expanded on your sitch. How old are the two of you? How long have you been M? How long have you been together (if significantly different)? Kids? Is this a sudden change in him?
Also, did you take in a few sessions with a DB coach? What were the suggestions?
Please help fill in the blanks above, because with only the info we have, the support could be radically different and less appropriate than if we have the full picture.
Married almost 30 years but the last 10 or more have been very bad with lots of stressors--health, family, jobs, etc. No EA or PA to my knowledge. We are both 51. Two adult daughters.
I would be the first in line to say we have both made mistakes. He is a low affect type of person whereas I do cry fairly easily. He used to not be a "hallmark holiday' type of gift giver but he would do special things for me outside of those times but for many years now, he has done nothing.
He is the type of guy when he loves you, you know he does it quietly but is 100% on your side but when he doesn't, then, you're just OUT. I am obviously one of the OUT ones. If he loves you, he teases you and plays games with you. When he doesn't, then you are just OUT...not even there...no teasing, no joking, no fun, no games.
Why have I bothered to stay when it's pretty clear that he would rather love the people in his past who haven't been there for him but he has no love or respect for me and I have given 1000% of my all to him and his children?
I have tried detaching and backing off and so on but you know what? He has never tried to chase me and win me back. Never.
Now, I am just left with the total shame of knowing that EVERYONE sees how he treats me, judges me and him, and frankly they are getting mad at him (protective of me) and yet they don't tell him that he treats me like crap. They tell ME that he does as if I can control how he treats me. I don't bring it up with them. Why would I when I am the one defending HIM from their acusations and then they yell at me for making exuses for him! I don't even talk about it becuase if I did, I'd end up in circular brain patterns like what you see on this thread and besides, I don't bring it up because I am trying to HONOR HIM and not share our dirty laundry. (which is why I usually don't post specifics here.)
Many of us have been where you are. I can certainly tell you that I have been there.
You indicate that for many years, your H has done "nothing". Can you think back to when you feel he started to pull away? Was there anything going on in either of your lives that seemed to be around that turning point? A family tragedy, job problems, children, moved?
MWD does indicate there are some M's that can't be saved, and some that probably shouldn't be saved, although she does stress the importance of trying. Sometimes, we simply think that we are "OK" and that while we DID contribute to the breakdown of our Ms, that for the most part, there is little we need or want to change in ourselves.
Do understand that no matter what, your friends want you to feel better. Of course they are going to pinpoint what your H has done wrong. And even though you knew those things, the more you hear it, the more you may feel it simply is futile since "He'll never change". Thing is, people DO change. Sometimes for the worse... and sometimes for the better... that's the risk or benefit of M in the first place.
I'm sure that if I were to listen to someone who was supporting my stbx, I'm sure they could be pinpointing a LOT of things that I did wrong or could do better. My friends... even if they DO give me feedback on my "real" challenges, are unlikely to focus on my negatives and more likely to focus on my stbx's negatives.
Oh. I would say that there has been more hurdles in our lives than in most other peoples' marriages and he hasn't divorced me or me him yet. In fact, despite threats from either party, we have still been in the same house/bed but we are like aloof ships in the night.
And...just got in a fight with someone else because she started with a swipe at him which I called her out on and then she took another BIG swipe which caused me to swipe back just as hard! WHY am I defending HIM? I don't even trust him to defend me against those types of marriage splitters.
And like my original title says, it just makes me feel SHAME about what they see as wrong and having to defend it when it actually is me keeping the hurt to myself in an attempt to just survive.
I have done my best to not say horrible things about him or even the friends/family and their actions. I recognize my flaws and have worked on them. I am actually a pretty good person and I am trying to learn something that my H does a lot better than me and that is to just be able to say "tough luck' or to let it roll off my back like he does.
However, I just want to add that between his iceyness towards me, it's let me to not trust him. With my friends/family making comments about him or me and our marriage, it's led me to not trust them either.
I don't trust anyone at this point. I have a few friends and a life for support but I don't say ANYTHING about this to anyone and I try to stay supportive to him and them as long as THIS topic isn't approached. I try very hard not to bad mouth anyone but right now, I am frustrated, have nobody who I trust who will CARE for me in his stead, and I can't trust them because they are busy saying crappy things about him or giving crappy advise that only serves to express ANGER towards him and make me be a jerk to him which only serves to split up my marriage. No. I am not taking that advice but I sure don't want to have to cope with the SHAME of everyone doing this and not having someone to TRUST.
Hey summer, I understand that you feel like you've had more problems then most.
I'm having some trouble with the vague indications of "more hurdles than most". Combined with the very strong assertions of shame, anger and mistrust. The verbal (or physical?) outbursts from you, in what could be a seriously co-dependent relationship...
Yes. We are safe. No violence. Nothing except coldness and sadness and loss of friendship. And my husband would not ever hurt anyone intentionally. He just isn't my friend anymore.
I shouldn't have posted all that. We are in a health situation now and I think I am just letting family drama and people badmouthing him and me and gossiping about us and his behavior towards me just get to me.
