5 months in

[Tessa2012]

Need some advice:

I finally had a brief talk with my H. We talked about how it had only been 2 months since he had broken up with his previous GF before starting to date me. (He wasn't even 21 at the time.) He swore to himself and his buddies that he wouldn't get into a serious relationship right away. But he met me and we did. He pursued me (calling daily) even when I tried getting him to back off.

Now he is regretting it.

He feels like he's never had the opportunity to live on his own. His own place, paying his own bills, buying his own food, coming/going whenever and not answering to anyone.

He went from living with his parents, to living in his grandparents home (parents owned it and used to rent it out to people) with a buddy, then I moved in. We got married and moved in with his parents.

This is why he wants a divorce.

Instead of making the effort to get our own place and live as a married couple instead of in his parents basement, he wants to break up and live on his own.

I can understand his feelings but at the same time, I want the chance to live and act like were married instead of always checking in with his parents.

Most of our money is tied up in debt consolidation so we can't move out right now. Trust me...I wish we could.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[MrBond]

Did he bring up all that stuff from the past or did you? The problem with that type of thinking is that he is still looking for the OUTSIDE SOURCE for his "pain". What he doesn't realize is that his pain comes from within. There are many other people who break up and hookup right away and have perfectly happy marriages. It comes down to your own personal attitude.

He is still looking for something/someone to blame. And unfortunately it often happens that they decide that the person closest to them is the cause of their ills.

In order to change his thinking, you have to remove yourself from the picture so that when he looks around, he won't have anyone else to blame.

[Tessa2012]

Hi Mr. Bond.

Thanks so much for responding.

He is the one that brought up the past while we were talking.

When I first moved in with him, he was completely disinterested in taking care of his finances. It was the typical credit card scenario, buy but don't/forget to pay the bill or balance bank acct. Since I was living with him, rent free, I offered to help get his finances back on track and he never looked back. Since then, whenever I tried to get him to work on the finances, he would be interested for a day and then stop.

He admitted that he relied to much on his folks to help him get up when he fell. (His mom admits to helping too much.) The only time he lived on his own, it was in his grandparents home that his parents owned and he was only responsible for utilities. He now wants the chance to pay his bills, own a home, do what he wants and come home to no one.

When he left last year, he moved in with a buddy and still didn't take care of finances or "pay rent."

If I could move out, I would. Unfortunately, I don't have the monthly cash available to rent a place.

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to look deeper into what I can/can't afford and see if I can "remove myself." It's a scary thought but I've been coming to the conclusion its something I HAVE to do.

Arg!

[Tessa2012]

Is it wrong that I am jealous of his cell phone?

He brings it to bed, he lays it on his chest so that he can feel it vibrate, and whenever it does, he responds almost immediately.

We watch tv in bed so that we can wind down before going to bed (he usually falls asleep first and I have to turn it off). He'd rather text and thumb through images online while watching tv than interact with me. He tells me he's "multi-tasking" or "killing his battery."

Last night I questioned it, his case is also a charger. He asked why I cared. I mentioned is usual response to me about phone batteries, "you've always told me that you have to cycle it out." Of course, he tells me he does. I know it's just an excuse to not interact with and avoid me.

But still...is it right to be jealous of a cell phone?

[Tessa2012]

H came home yesterday all upset about work.

His boss is complaining and ridiculing him because H can't afford to treat the office to breakfast (5 people). Boss is calling him a cheapskate.

Then H is complaining that his buddy (co-worker) is bi-polar. That anytime something goes wrong it's H's fault.

Now he's at the end of his limit w/work and wants a new job.

SMH

[Tessa2012]

Had some talking progress.

The other day H passed a comment about my not being any fun. I mentioned that it's hard to have fun when his nose is always in his phone. He came back with a comment about his friends being more fun.


I then told him that it's hard to have fun when he turns down everything that I suggest. He said it's because those things aren't fun. I reminded him that we were supposed to go out to the movies (his offer) and he backed out. I also mentioned that he doesn't come up with anything either. (Probably shouldn't have said it.) It took him a few seconds to realize what I said b/c he got annoyed, gave me a nasty look and started off with "What do you mean by that..." speech about working 40+ hours a week (only past couple of weeks). I came back saying that I understood he was overworked and tired. And that's why I hadn't said anything. That pretty much ended that conversation.


He keeps talking about being nice to me this week (and last). As if he has to make a special effort to be nice.

The other day, he wanted sex before I left for a class. I told him no (I was leaving in 20 min and didn't want to get busy before I had to leave). Later that day, I approached him and he commented about my not wanting it. I told him that I did but not before class AND I may not want to if he continues to treat me like crap. He told me he wasn't.

So if he's being nice for a day or two, it should out weigh the times that he tells me I'm no fun and he can't wait "til this is over."?

SMH - It's getting really hard to GAL and continue to want to be with him.

[Tessa2012]

I'm on vacation this week and I decided to spend the time with my parents. (Grad Party on Sat, Father's Day Sun & mom still sick and underweight)

When H found out that I was going, his eyes lit up and he did that thing movie villains do with their hands "hands together & twiddling their fingers." I laughed and told him that if he was going to be like that, that I'd just stay home. (I knew he was "trying" to be funny)

Well, we texted a few times (I want to see a specific concert and wanted to know if he would go with me, he agreed.

At night, he would text me again about the cat getting sick and messing up the house or random stupid stuff.

Over the course of four days he instigated talks about:

- via text: his drinking to much and that he needed help. We had a brief chat and he mentioned that getting a house would solve some of the problems (no kidding, 8 yrs since we married and still living in his parents basement ).

- via phone: he asked me I want this to work on a scale of 1 - 10. When I said "10", he said, that's it. I replied that that was the scale he gave me.

- via text: who I was banging. I told him no one, he asked "why not" and I told him that I only banged him.

- via text: if I was alive and well ... because "We're still leagally joined so I should check in with him on my well-being." This one got me since last year he would get upset if we sent a text asking him if he was alive when we didn't hear from him in a few days.

- via text: houses (I'm looking places to buy/rent to get out of his parents home either with or without him.) I sent him a few locations (he knows good/bad neighborhoods) and he would say yes/no. He actually said last night, if we stay together no, but if it's just for you, yes. SMH

So, I'm still working on my GAL. The 180 really haven't been implemented yet because I really have to figure out what I can do. I feel like he's still pulling/pushing and I'm along for the ride.

I have to admit, even though I don't want to, my will to keep trying is weakening. So many people are telling me that I'm a saint for sticking this out. My therapist doesn't want to see my heart broken any more than it already has been, but she sees that I'm getting much stronger.

I pray that I can stick it out.

[Tessa2012]

SMH - This morning H starts a texting conversation and asks why EVERYTIME he starts to play with me, I back out.

He was upset because he sent me a pick of a cat laying on its back with its tail between its tail like a penis. When I didn't play along he told me "that's why I want to split".

This morning I explained that I was out with friends and didn't want to start something that I couldn't finish. He didn't care for that response.

Good thing I didn't let it bother me.

[Tessa2012]

WOW!

I came home last Friday to one heck of a kiss...outside in the driveway before I even started to unload the car. A good night was well, H asked if I wanted to see a movie on Sat and get dinner. We DID!

He seems more open since I've been back and even caressed my hair one night while we were watching TV. Things seem to be looking up but I'm not going to let this "good behavior" trick me. I'm being cautious.

He's still texting OW but when we talk it's not in definite terms anymore. H is using "if" instead of "when." For example, "if we're still together..." instead of "when this is over...".

My birthday is next week. Last year at this time was miserable. H was being nasty about splitting up, he didn't make me feel good or want to acknowledge b-day. Later that week, I was sick & had an anxiety attack. I'm curious how next week will turn out. I'm not expecting anything but a verbal "Happy Birthday."

Here's hoping it's a pleasant day/week.

[AnotherStander]

That's good news, but in reading the last couple of pages of your posts it seems pretty clear your H is running VERY hot/ cold. That's likely to continue for quite a while. Just be prepared for him to go cold again and try not to get too upset over it. Don't overreact to his swings, just try to maintain your own PMA and remain calm while he bounces up and down. Good luck!