After being married for 17 years my w filed for divorce.She says she has been unhappy for several years.I know I have not made her happy.We have 3 kids 1 is moved out.At first I thought I wanted a d two.But after about a week I realized I did not want this.I tried crying and begging.That just made her angry.After reading a lot of articles and info on the web I decided to change myself.It is hard to keep going on this path of self improvement when she reminds me often that no matter what I do or how I change she is leaving.She says she is over me,not in love anymore. I just want it all to go away and go back to the times when we were really happy and in love.
Wow wiscn...I guess its the season, because my W hit me with the very same thing, and is acting the same. We have been T 16Y and M for 12Y. We have had what I thought were normal ups and downs...had a crisis or two, but always thought we weathered the storm and came out better for it. I treated her well, raised my step son as my own, ect...
But she initially stated her disbelief that we had a future together on Apr 12th 2013. Things were quiet but uneasy over the next couple weeks as I made every dopey mistake in the book. Begging, reassuring, trying to use logic, ect. But it was when the feelings of distrust built up in me, because I felt she was guarding her cell like a hawk, that I confronted her and more or less demanded to know if there was OM. Well, from that point on, everything I said was like pouring molten lava in her ears.
The next morning on May 2nd 2013, I found a note with her wedding rings telling me it is over, to get out, and she was filing for divorce. A follow on conversation was no good. Her heels are dug in and there is no changing of her mind. Like you, I got the whole ILYBIANILWY speech, and that she hasnt felt true love for me in years...damn near going back to the beginning as if our entire relationship was a horror story for her. That over the years, every disappointment cut a string of trust and attachment, until that final one was cut in the beginning of April. She no longer cares, is hurt, or wants to go on.
Now, why am I telling you this? Because I did everything wrong those first three weeks. I begged, pleaded, beat myself up, texted, spied, ect....and it only made a bad sitch worse. She withdrew more, lost more respect for me, and started putting the pieces together to end the M.
Its hard, but you have to man up. You have to grow a spine and take responsibility for your own life, and square your head with the fact that she may very well be telling the truth. But you have to get rid of that sensation of neediness. It is toxic to your relationship right now. The self flagellation and pity arent going to pull you up. You have to rise about it and find the confidence you once had. Give her a break..no calls, no texts, no contact for a few days...and then only to discuss the kids, or other small talk...anything BUT you relationship. Dont even bring it up. Act like you are moving on and happy. At a very minimum, dont have that sad face on and act depressed. And then...DO go get a life of your own. Start or renew a hobby, reacquaint with friends, ect.
Look, I am probably in a little worse sitch than you. My W is a cold hearted B, and when she makes up her mind...she digs in. So even with me doing all the things I have told you, in the past week alone she has warmed up to at east have small pleasant conversations, and sat in the same room with me to watch tv. Dont get me wrong, I still dont have a ton of faith that I can turn this around...but I bought DR and am reading it and the other posts on this forumn, AND doing a lot of self reflection and character inventories. All needed to begin your 180s to improve YOU, for YOU.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
w just started a new job.After four days she says she will not be home staying in town for night.No reason why or where she is staying.I have no reason to believe she found someone else.But it sure makes me think.
Wow it really does sound like my story.I guess your rite.Just leave her alone.Let her do her own thing and I'll do mine.But now shes dumping the kids problems on me my 13 year old son is failing she just says what she thinks I should do to punish him and help,she is doing nothing.
You will likely be the brunt of her anger for a while. As cadet mentions, detach, detach, detach.
Doing your own personal growth is for you, not to win your W back. That COULD happen, but you should be doing it for you.
In the mean time, your W will probably think that it's to win her back, so she will bait you and even unconsciously hope that you don't grow, since then she'd have to question whether her belief that you could not change and be the man she'd be a fool to leave.
And you are likely to be to blame for a lot of things, valid or not. It is common enough in WAS that we have come to know it as "script" behaviour. As though the WAS reads a scrip that tells them how to behave and what to say.
Pick up and read the book "Divorce Remedy" if you have not.
What things do you want to change in yourself to help you grow?
What do you do to GAL (Get a Life)?
What complaints, if any, has your W had about you that you feel could be valid?
I think your correct about baiting.After being gone over night she came home with a red carnation and placed right on the table where I would see it.I did not even mention it.That was tough.Thanks for the advice.
Well I got the Divorce Remedy book.I am reading it and trying to detach from her.She is looking for a place to move to.If I say anything to her about still loving her she completely ignores it or gets mad.Example,I knew she was going away for weekend so I text her Have a good weekend and I just want to say I miss you.She text back latter that she was looking at a place to move.So I thought about what to say,and I text back I hope it works out for you.She than text me thanks.It is so hard to know what to do I feel like if I support her decisions I am letting her go.I want her to be happy but I want to save our marriage,but she does not even want to discuss it.
Just thought I would update my story.We have a court date in August.We are still living in same house in separate rooms.I am doing the 180s and trying to move on.Just not sure what to think of what she says.Today she text me she is having trouble paying lease payment on her car,wants me to take over payments and take car,she would take my car witch is payed for.So I say I will think about.So later in the day I text her she should keep car I will help her pay for now.Then she text me back I should move on and shes not into me any more,to much baggage.I than text her she is misunderstanding my text.I am moving on just don't what to leave her out on the streets.She than text back "oh".Not sure what I should do next.Oh yeah she also told to go and find someone else.
If your W was having an A, would that be a deal breaker for you?
August is a long way away. Keep working on yourself.
She said she was going to move out, why has she not?
I certainly understand how you came to the decision to keep the cars the way they are and help her with payment and her response could have been predicted. Is her thought true? Probably not, although for your own self check, are you sure you are not trying to help her out to win her back?
How long do you feel your M was on the rocks?
Before your W dropped the bomb, can you think of anything that happened in her life or any changes that you now notice she was doing, prior to BD?
I don,t think she is having an affair but she wants me to think she is maybe.If she really was I think that would be a deal breaker for me.She simply cannot afford it.Thats what bothers me the fact that she wants so bad to get away from me she is willing to give up house and live in a dumpy apartment.I can't believe I was that bad to her that she wants to get away that bad,I think you are right about me helping her to win her back.I don't think she would do the same for me.Biggest thing she has happen last few years she can't seem to keep a job.She has a personality that rubs people the wrong way and she doesn't take criticism well.She says main reason she is done with me is because I would not do things with her any more.That is true I did stop wanting to do things with her.She said she has been thinking about D for several years.I did not think it was that bad.Now I wish I would have done things differently but we can't go back.I just feel like we should leave all the bad things in the past and start a new relationship with each other.Maybe she has found someone else she gets attached to people very quickly.The other that is bothering me is the way she is treating our 16 year old son.She is being very cold towards him.He even mentioned it.I really appreciate the replies I get.It helps to have other people here my story.
Many people think an A would be a deal breaker... until they find out their spouse has an AP. Then... the BS (betrayed spouse) isn't so sure it's a deal breaker, after the initial shock wears off.
That said, I find it quite interesting that you didn't feel the M was that bad. Because your statement just before that was, you stopped wanting to do things with her. IOW, you didn't want to be with her, so you stopped doing things with her... and she noticed... What I mean is, how could you think there wasn't a problem in your M to a W you didn't want to do things with?
Do understand that I am sure you felt your W wasn't always pleasant to be around. I am pointing out what we remind people about DBing. Changing ourselves can change our sitch. In your case, at least that ONE change in yourself, changed the sitch which helped lead to the breakdown of the M.
Did her personality begin to rub YOU the wrong way? Has this always been an issue, but has been getting worse? What else led to you not wanting to do things with her?
I realize me not wanting to do things with her was part of the cause.Yes it is her personality that just kept getting worse.She makes friends quickly then just as quickly will not speak to them for some reason.There are people even her family she has not spoken to for years.Don't get me wrong she can be the nicest caring person.But if she does not agree with you she turns angry fast.I think this caused a lot of problems with her keeping a job.She has not kept a job for more than a few months all the while we have been married.I am not blaming her I am trying to figure out why I started not wanting to be with her.Honestly I think she needs help.As far as an affair I am not sure what you mean.She has said to mean that she wants to date again.It just feels like she is trying to really be mean to me.She knows that hurts me.Right now I actually wish she would move out.I can,t take this much longer.
DBing has a lot of different aspects and vectors to come at saving a M. Not least of which because there certainly ARE a million different ways to do something and I am certain that MWD wants to cover as many of the general bases as possible.
At the end of the day, DBing is about SBT (Solutions oriented Brief Therapy) or basically focusing on a small, single, close goal, working on getting there and then moving forward from that point.
What that does is set up for successes, which is always a good thing for PMA. It also sets up for change, which helps to break patterns which can be negative. That ultimately leads to being able to come up with possible, positive solutions to the end goal, which is saving the M.
That said, even if we concede that we have contributed to the break down of our M and resolve to and DO work on those things, it does not have to be a case that our spouses work on issues that we believe they have, that contributed to the breakdown of the M. That work is often only something that will happen AFTER the LBS has done their own work, first.
So specifically to your sitch, even though your W has her issues regarding making and keeping friends, she may only work on those things at a later point, after you have done your work which might motivate your W to re-engage and work on the M.
Hope that makes sense as to how you might approach this.
Are you the type of person that sets your mind to task and are all in? Or put another way, are you prepared to do what ever it might take to save your M, so long as it is in keeping with your morals and ethics?
Or, are you just not really sure that you'd put in the effort if your W won't change? Because that IS a possibility.
Well things took a bad turn.I was talking to my sixteen year old son about her when I thought she left for work but she had not.Any way what I said was not nice.I know that was a terrible thing to do.She has not been back home since.It took a few days before the angry text stopped.Things seem to be going the wrong way.I have made up my mind to stop complaining about her especially to kids.I know that was very wrong.I am just going to concentrate on changing myself and helping our two teenage boys.I have little hope of saving the M right now.
wiscn, a few days have passed since you last posted.
Live and learn, I don't think you need us to tell you that you need to refrain from badmouthing your W if you hope to save the M.
That said, stop badmouthing your W. Also, figure out how to use what ever anger you have toward her, in positive, productive ways.
Did you apologize to your W? Was it sincere? ie. Not sincere that you were upset you got caught. Rather, sincere that you really said those things in anger, will work on that issue of yours, and wish her no harm and a happy future.
Also, as difficult as this is, and that you DO think you want to save your M, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with your W, if that was possible?
Well I am not sure right now if I do want to save my M.When she is away I am feeling better and it is easier to make changes in myself.Maybe the D is the right thing.But when I see her I just can't help but wish we could be the way we were before.I know I still love her.I guess I just have to carry on and keep changing myself for me and the kids.Whatever happens,happens.
Heres my update. My wife did go to MC (by herself) and opened to the C a little. She does not show any signs of wanting to work on our M and told the C that she is not likely to come back to MC. I feel now that it is better that she not go until if/when she wants to work on M. No surprise there. She is so done with me right now.
She also seems to be withdrawing more too. Not sure what to do about that. The 180's I have done seem to annoy her more than anything. I feel they annoy her because I am not giving her any reasons that she could use as an excuse to leave, not that she needs one. She doesnt seem to like that I am in a good mood when I am around her either. Especially when she is not in a good mood around me.
She still avoids conversations and interactions with me. I just give her the space she wants. I feel she is not getting the space she desires due to us living together (we are basically roommates with kids). Our interactions with the children force us to interact and I feel that is wearing on her too. I am out of town for work on average 4 days a week but, because I call the kids every morning and evening to say hello, maybe thats not enough space? I dont know if it is or not.
I have MC on Wednesday and I have no reason to believe that she will attend with me. I only tell her I have an appointment so if she chooses to go, she can. At this point, I am going to MC for myself and I have to say that I am adjusting to our situation better everyday. I still have a bad day once in awhile. For the most part, I am feeling emotionally better than I have in a very long time. Still detaching more and more. I dont no how to gauge the detaching but I would say that I am 85% or more detached, lovingly of course.
I am GAL and socializing much more these days. Mostly at work. Moving forward with improving myself and my relationship with my kids.
Other than that, still in limbo. Just waiting on her to make a move one way or another.
You are all in my prayers and I wish you success with your situations.
Vets, please critique my update and let me know where I have made any backslides please.
That does sound a lot like my story.Sounds like your doing better at 180's than me.If you read my earlier post she caught me bad mouthing her to my two teenage sons.She really let me have it.Said she now hates me for trying to turn kids against her.I apologized to her and that only made her more angry.The only thing that made her stop her angry texting was when I said I was ashamed for what I did and I truly am.She thinks I say things just to be mean.I don't, it is just stuff that comes out when I get upset.Bad thing is you can't take some things back.I have pretty much made up my mind that the D is going to happen.I just want to get thru it without so much blaming and saying mean things to each other.She has moved in with a friend but keeps telling me to move.I would like to move.But of course attorney says to stay at home with kids.To me right now the boys are the most important thing.Both teenagers in high school.We all know it is very hard to be a kid now days.Anyway good luck to you BKS.If only we could all learn these lessons before it is to late.
I just want to update my story.I found out she was secretly seeing someone for several months.I think it started around the same time she filed.She denies it.I saw pictures and everything.Talk about ripping your heart in two.I had a rough few days.But I think now I know I have to just let go.Some people make up there mind.Like the title I started this post with Nothing Will Change Her Mind.I now know why.
