He responded to the email: I agree. I was happy...then 5 minutes later a picture of a pig with um, very large balls, "Saw this, got jealous. Had to get a pic. I do and always will love you". Um, yeah. So normally we would have sent that and I would have joked back...but for real. I pretty much tell you I'm done with our R and pour my heart out and this is what you do? Ok. Mindreading, but I saw it as a way to engage me. I ignored it.
I got a sitter and was going to go to my ala-non meeting, but she couldn't get there until later so I went to an AA meeting. It was H and I's home group, but my bestie told him he hasn't been there in months so I went. Say hi to everyone "OMG, your preggo? How's H..." blah, blah. Some guys there know what is going on, super pissed at H. I sit in my seat. In walks H. For real. I see him. I get VERY angry. He HAD to have seen my car. I took a deep breath, gathered my stuff, and left. Before tears welled up and I just sobbed when I got to my car. I went to the ala-non meeting, I was 45 minutes late, but I needed somewhere safe to go. At least H didn't call or text. My hope is, he got it. One of the guys at the meeting called me "Did that (curse words) say something to make you upset!?!" No, just his presence does it now. I did get some satisfaction thinking at least he got to deal with the questions on why I hightailed it out of the meeting.
That's what I realized last night. I don't have many safe places. I'm a walking billboard belly for questions on my happiness. "OH my god, how wonderful!? Is H excited..." All the normal stuff people say to pregnant woman, and I'm over here like "Yeah, no so excited. My H is a cheating a$$hat..." Ala-non I walk in wondering "do they know? Will she be here?" I just want somewhere where I can go and be mad, happy, sad, angry...whatever and not have to pretend a dang thing.
I'm going out with some of my girlfriends tonight. I texted one today and told her everything. I just feels better than keeping it in. The way I see it is, I'm 99% done. The 99% is just working on bludgeoning the hope out of the 1%. I need support, and I have done nothing wrong. I just haven't. I have my faults, indeed, but I'm dealing with a serial cheater. Reality: There is no chance for a happy life with him. I'm keeping this all in on the 1% chance I lose my marbles and take him back...don't want to ruin the chance. Whaaaa?!?! Don't want him to get mad cause I tell people...really?! I should be mad. I don't need to be crazy, mean, annouce on facebook, tire slashing woman scorned...but Geez T, allow yourself to be mad!!!
I'm really peeling the layers away of just how co-dependant I've been on my H. Like...hello?!?! Honestly, I'm questioning whether I am truly an alcoholic, or just a young partier living with an alcoholic for 2 years (H). And that I've just needed ala-non all these years. I'm not going to go out and start drinking. A. I'm pregnant. But, if I really take a hard look, I may have just followed H into AA. Desparate not to lose him, and I found a safe place that did help me find a spiritual solution. I feel like a total idiot even saying it out loud on the anonymous interwebs...but I think it's true. Ugh, I feel pathetic.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Okay, don't feel stupid because the AA and al-anon has helped you to become what you are becoming today. The way I look at it is that you can't do it over...ever. What you can do is find the good in everything. I think you found a Tally that you didn't know existed. You found friends here and yuo found the strength to walk your own path, if indeed, you profess co dependency. Was it a bit of a b*tch to get here? Yup...but the rewards are worth it
I don't know how big your city is but can you find a new home group? I also know that many double winners are amazed at what they get from AlAnon that they didn't get from AA. It does tend to be a small community until you get to really large cities. I'm in a metro area of nearly 1 million and run into people from AlAnon groups I've attended quite often. I was in a restaurant just last week and looked over and saw a meeting after the meeting going on with the Sat morning group I attended.
You'll work through this and get to your solution, I have no doubt. Keep detaching.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't know how big your city is but can you find a new home group? I also know that many double winners are amazed at what they get from AlAnon that they didn't get from AA. It does tend to be a small community until you get to really large cities. I'm in a metro area of nearly 1 million and run into people from AlAnon groups I've attended quite often. I was in a restaurant just last week and looked over and saw a meeting after the meeting going on with the Sat morning group I attended.
You'll work through this and get to your solution, I have no doubt. Keep detaching.
Problem is, there a very few meetings with babysitting. One ala-non (that's the one he met the OW he loves at...nice I have to name the OWs like that, ha!) and the only weeknight one is my home group. So, I just need to email him that I need to go to that meeting since I have the kids all the time. Or, just strickly go to ala-non right now and pay for a sitter. Honestly, I just need ala-non more right now regardless if I'm alcoholic or not. I'm not spending much thought on that right now, it's just something I've been talking about with IC when talking about my extreme co-dependecy. I regret NONE of my path. I am a happy, stronger T from the twelve steps. I have great friends and support.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I am so sorry you are stuggling today, but don't beat yourself up for where you are. Self-forgiveness is accepting of your past and where it led you to.
I can so relate to the self-consciousness you feel now that your pregnancy shows. All the things that would seem normal and quite welcome at this stage, become painful given our situations with our H. I also used to dread the comments and the "oh congratulations to both, H must be so happy to finally have the boy he wanted" etc. At the time only my closest family members and friends knew our sitch.
I didn't really want to give any explanations, get sympathy or make others feel awkward, so I kept silent and tried to avoid those social situations. Yet I admit it was a HUGE burden to carry. In a way I felt like I was enabling my H... IDK if I would do anything differently - I was just barely functioning and able to articulate a sentence w/o bursting into tears and I had to keep my composure, specially at work. So I protected myself the only way I could think of - by withdrawing socially from aquaintances, focusing on my little ones and finding refuge in those close ones who knew.
All this to just tell you to do whatever you need to protect yourself and try to keep up a PMA.
Re. your program groups, I like Bug's Idea of finding another home group if you can. I also would like to recommend going to CODA. Lots of AA, AlAnon and members of other recovery groups there. I have learned so much of my codependency relationships and behaviors there and why I am where I am today. You will feel right at home and yet be able to isolate your thoughts and behaviors apart from the alcohol use. After all, they were there before and some may probably still there post-sobriety...
As for your H, block him. His response to your email was just as immature and selfish as everyone of his actions so far. You don't need that in your life right now.
You are looking for a safe place? Create one in your mind and in your heart by protecting yourself from his issues - they are not yours. Enforce your boundaries and interact with him as little as possible until he learns to respect you. CODA helped me understand that.
(((((Tally)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
If my H was only in one A, I would keep this to myself. You had hope that your M could be saved. Mine is not worth saving.
My sitch is that of a man who is not capable of monogamy. He is professing a torn choice between me and OW...while sleeping with a 3rd and lying to both of us. Really, he was weighing who will actually let him have cake. He was all for me to do it, until I set the boundary of transparency. I believe the only reason he told me about OW was because her XH was going to tell me. Then, when I set my boundaries, she became the better option. Because she doesn't know about all the As. She thinks she is a sparkly special woman who pulled H away from his wife, therefore why would she watch him closely? She is his true love! And each day since I discovered the intel on the nurse, I actually am starting to feel mildly sorry for her. I laugh, mostly. But sorry. All the damage being done, with no thought of others.
My anger is my shield. I will protect my boundaries. I will not protect my H. I do not plan to shout this from the rooftops, but I'm no longer keeping our separation a secret. I've decided that for myself. The more honest I am, the less power this crap has over me. No one needs to know the details, but I'm done covering anything up.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Good weekend. Drop off was ackward, he seems mad. Ha, let him!! Going dark will be hard for him, for me...I feel so much better.
I moved up to 3 days a week at work and I've started telling people we are separated. Feels good not to be hiding things. I had this huge weight on myself. What if they figure it out? That he is a cheating jerk? Well, not my problem to manage. Not my actions, these are his consequences. I will not protect him any longer.
So I had allued to the start of our problems last year. My really close friend came to me in december 2011 and told him that H confessed a crush on her. She said that since then, it spiraled into a weird deal, and she didn't want it to come between us, but that they had a horrible email back and forth and that she no longer wanted to be around him. H and I had been fighting about her and how he hated her for months. I didn't understand, and when she told me it all made sense. I confronted H and he said that NO, in fact she was flirting with him and he told her to knock it off. No big deal, she begged him not to tell me and then he just started to hate her....blah, blah.
Well, for me, I was very upset with him for lying to me. I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me after all the problems it was causing he and I. But, I stood by him and our friendship desolved horribly. She was hostile towards me, etc. It was horrible because our boys were best friends and she and I are fitness instructors together and it was super stressful on me all last year.
Anyway, this weekend I went and spoke with her. I wanted her to hear we are separated from me. It went suprisingly well. She sobbed and hugged me, apologized for taking her anger for him out on me. She said she completely understood why I had stood by him, but that due to the exchanges they had...felt that this would happen. Not ALL the crazy, even that suprised her.
I'm still processing it. We plan to have the boys hang and she has already texted me today about helping in anyway and how much she has missed me. She also understands that if we do renew the friendship, I would need to keep it on the super downlow because H would LOSE HIS MIND!! At least until we are D, or he has accepted we are over. Which, he hasn't right now.
I've been pretty sad, but I am also excited about my future.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Hi Tallula, I was thinking of you this morning and looked to see if you had an update. Here you are! Glad you had a good weekend and are making amends to heal relationships in your life. Don't let H's anger get to you or control you. His reactions are his responsibility and don't need to effect you any longer. Hang in there!
Sounds good Tally. Spring is a time for new beginnings, I always find I am a little lighter in these months
That has been the coolest part. I love that my decision has happened in spring. New beginnings. Get to stay out late and play with the kids! Go for runs with them, plant the garden.
H always has done the yardwork and said at his drop off "I'll be by this week to do some yard work...oh wait, I have to train for XYZ race" Yeah, $100 I end up mowing the yard, doing the yardwork. Oh well. I'm super pleasant to him, he just seems really sad. Friday drop off, he was mad. I just don't care.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
