First off, I am so proud of you for being calm. Isn't it amazing what we learn from DBing! Now, I am going to go opposite of what a lot of people are telling you. Let me start by saying the DB principles are wonderful and can help someone save their marriage. But if we are being completely honest about it, they are mostly to save ourselves. I don't know the numbers invloved of how many marriages are saved and won't try to guess. I can say I have been on this board for over 2 years and have seen very few. YOU are the only person who knows when it is time to give up. I have read everything you have wrote on these boards. To me, an outsider, I came to the conclusion long ago that your H is a sex addict or serial cheater. This won't change until he wants it to and figures out what causes it. I doubt this can be fixed in a matter of months...My bet is it will take years, and him hitting rock bottom to want to change. He may change, FOR A SHORT PERIOD, if you tell him you're done. But just understand the compulsion he has for sex with other women will still be there without the tools to learn how to deal with it.
I do agree that you should take your time about filing. But do not wait to see a lawyer. You need to make sure you protect yourself AND your kids. If your financial situation together is getting thin, get a lawyer involved. The longer you wait, the worse that part can get. I also know that being pregnant, your hormones are through the roof. It might be easy to get swayed again.
You deserve to be happy. You have learned a lot going through this process to know how to make yourself happy and stay that way. We can't depend on other people to make us happy, on compliment our happiness. You have done some serious growing from when you first came here. I have no doubts, you are going to be fine! You will be on my prayer list until I no longer see you posting (well, maybe a week longer)!
I am so very grateful that I found these boards. It has given me the strength to look at myself, thus the ability and tools to create a stronger, happy me regardless of the outcome of my marriage. Plus, it has been a safe place to say "Hey, I'm not ready to say I'm done. I'm standing!" and feel no judgement. I am a better person for having DB in my life. I will continue to stay here and work the principles in my life.
I think I always knew in my heart, from the moment he told me that it was mulitple affairs, that I was going to leave him. And I do believe that it will be me that has to do the leaving. He has been very consistant in saying that he would like to stay married for a few years, maybe just separated. I know it's his fear. I've been his family for 13 years. But this time, I feel it's too much. I feel like I want to start my new life, without him. I don't see him getting better anytime soon, if ever. And frankly, I know there is too much damage to me to ever believe him again and create an intimacy that I deserve.
I plan to email him mid week about compiling a list of things we need to do to the house to get it ready to sell. The baby will be here before we know it, and we can't afford 2 homes. My boss and I just spoke about adding a third day a week until August, so that will be money I can sock away for my maternity leave. Since I am part time, I get no paid leave and I will still have to keep the kids in their daycare to hold their spots.
I still have faith we can handle this in a mediated divorce, but I have an appointment friday with a lawyer.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
T - I fully agree with Brian above. DB'ing has helped SAVE ME - I really don't think my marriage stood a chance by the time I found it.
You are very strong indeed, to have tried as long as you have knowing about the 6 PA's. You've certainly earned my respect and admiration for your efforts. The downside is that, at least in my experience, more keeps coming out that you really can't deal with any longer - and that seemed to be the case for you as well. I truly am sorry for what you've gone thru recently.
Yea, I was willing to see...willing... if he was getting some help. Said he didn't want to be like that anymore.
Honestly, the nurse thing just was like "Ok. Here we are. Time to move on for real."
He is a special kind of messed up. I mean, you can't make this stuff up. I'm really interested to see what IC says. H's appointment is right before mine.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
IC went well. I looked down when I told her there were 2 OW. I just didn't want to see her reaction, in case he hasn't told her. I have to let this man go. We talked about how I'm really starting to see how manipulative he is and has been our entire R. I joked with him about punking out of the kids last thursday and he flipped out. "Really, really T, I was SICK!! What the heck..." on and on. And it was an actual joke, that was not at all guilt throwing. Because I knew we was lying, I could see that in the past I would joke with him about something totally innocent and he would lose it. I would feel crazy, like, why are you getting so mad? Then I would end up apolygizing. Yeah, now I see it was because he was lying. Over the years there were many times I would just feel like "am I crazy? Why is this a big deal?" It's all
Anyway, IC and I spoke about how I feel done, I see no hope for R, but she did feel that I should hold off on filing. She said she was proud of me for sticking to my boundaries, and to continue that. I said I ordered a book about manipulative people, and she agreed that was a good thing to read. We dicussed how I want to never get into an R like this again.
S4 (yep, he's 4 now, OMG!) is having a really hard time. Yesterday he finally verbalized his feelings instead of just throwing things and crying. He crumpled into a heap on the floor and just sobbed saying "I miss daddy". I couldn't get him calmed down, so I asked if he wanted to talk to daddy. He said yes. So I called H. He told him he would take him fishing and he actually showed up at 2 and take him. Of course, he did try to get me to have sex with him. Sigh. I said "I'm worth being someone's only lay, and I'm not yours." He said "You are more than worth that. I wish I wasn't me." Personally, I just don't care what he wishes anymore.
This morning he texts me at 7:13 that he posted happy birthday on my brother's FB wall, and was that a dumb thing to do. Well, it's another bad morning for me. S4 won't get dressed, D2 is sobbing she doesn't want to go to school...running late. So, of course, I will just text him later. 10 minutes later a text "I hate when you ignore me" Now, clutching my sobbing 2 year old, I'd like to punch him in the throat. Then he calls. I had just dropped the kids off at daycare, and spent 5 minutes with D2 screaming "No mommy, noooooo." It's normal now, she doesn't want to be away from me. So I spend the extra time with her. So I answer and I'm annoyed. I just go "look, I wasn't ignoring you. For christ sake, I am dealing with 2 kids and trying to get us all ready and it was a bad morning, so give me a break!!" he says "Wow, I get insecure and you are going to come at me like this..." Immediately, I start to feel bad. Yep. Hello? Really? No T, this ends now. I get off the phone.
Text from H 20 minutes later: H:Listen, I am sorry I have fears and u don't get my text jokes. Won't happen again.
Me: I thought u were serious. I had another tough morning with the kids. Then I see that u called too, and I am upset. Not angry, hurt. Here I am, constantly having to deal with the reality of this sh*t and now I have u being upset that I didn't text u back right away. WT*! I didn't sign up for this ride, and I need to get off. Here I am, it's 8 am at work and Im emotionally & physically exhausted. Been up since 3, S4 has been having nightmares. And I keep this to myself. Why? Who knows. To be strong? To not push u away? U R already gone? This is crap
H: Sorry baby H: At least u r Hot H: Ironically, I was messed up this morning from not seeing them H: I really hate myself today
I'm not going to respond. I'm going to send him and email tonight. I'm going to say that I'm done. I'm no ones option, and I've allowed myself to be an option for too long. It's emotionally taxing, and I need to take care of myself, my children and my unborn child. I will ask him to please, just let me go. That for now, I need to only communicate about the children, finances and the house. I need space.
I feel good. This is right. OW can be his option. Tallula is no man's option!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
your H needs to check into a sexual addiction program.
For real. I had a long talk about telling him I know about both OW with my bestie. She said to go dark first, then when he sees that I'm serious, and deals with the fallout from that, I can figure out if I feel like doing that. I've still allowed myself to be there for him emotionally, and I can't do it anymore. I am not going to allow myself to meet his emotional needs any longer. YOU are doing this to YOURSELF and taking me along for the ride...and you want ME to make it all better. Um, why the heck am I doing this to myself?!
Because, I Tallula, am a co-dependant. Blarg
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
