IMHO just give yourself some time. YOU don't need to push for a D right NOW. It can always be on the table. For your own well-being though, for NOW, focus on your health. Leave this ugliness for awhile.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
IMHO just give yourself some time. YOU don't need to push for a D right NOW. It can always be on the table. For your own well-being though, for NOW, focus on your health. Leave this ugliness for awhile.
Ok, I can agree with that. We discussed mediation, so that set my mind a bit at ease as far as feeling like I needed a lawyer righ tnow.
I'm going to go as NC as I can and take care of me.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I'm going to go as NC as I can and take care of me.
That's the focus for now.
(((((((( )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
When I take a deep look, I know I felt like I needed to just go file and start this because he knows how to string me along, eating the cake. And I worry with my preggo hormones that I will bite every once in awhile. So, I may be crazy posting for awhile for support.
My friend really hurt my feelings. I was saying MAYBE I wanted to, at some point, let the nurses husband know what she is doing. I said I would have liked to have had a heads up years ago. she said "Well, you've known about this for 5 months and done nothing, so why tell him anything." I felt really crappy about myself. That really, really hurt. Does my H still live with me, no. I have done plenty. She is pretty much like my mom believing I should punish him. I get it, she is really mad at him. But it just reinforces that little voice that says "what is wrong with you?! Why did you stand for this? What pathetic person gets cheated on so much?"
I know it's not true. And that is my focus now. Doing what is best for me. My kids. And my H isn't it.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Do you both mean that I might be jumping too quickly to divorce?
Just cause certainly isn't an issue. But your feelings will change with time, give yourself some space to make sure your decision is not based on reacting to hurt.
Protect yourself by all means and get an atty consult to figure out what the next steps are. I just know in my own sitch, how I felt a few months ago is a lot different than how I feel today. And I was so hurt and upset last fall that it's a miracle I didn't file for D. But now I'm glad I didn't. Because if it came down to it and I did have to file in the future, my decision would be controlled and pragmatic. And that perspective can usually only be gained with time.
Didn't you mention earlier that your H goes to IC too? I wonder if his therapist even knows. Regardless, there are programs he can get into if it's a sex addiction. You'll know about that coming from aa.
Maybe it'd be possible to just remove yourself from the sitch & arrange H visitation with your two little ones & just leave it all alone for now. And get your finances separated as much as possible. Especially before the baby comes. But as far as filing, you don't have to make a decision right away. You'll know when you're ready because your choice will be based on you wanting to live with intent and choosing your direction. Not just because 'you don't see any other alternative'.
But it just reinforces that little voice that says "what is wrong with you?! Why did you stand for this?
You love him I know it's not true. And that is my focus now. Doing what is best for me. My kids. And my H isn't it. [/quote] :-)
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Tallula, Sorry that you are having to deal with this but as others have stated - you are incredibly strong and brave and have come a long way.
Thoughts and prayers are with you!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I don't think anyone is saying that you should or should not Divorce. What I was trying to say is that regardless of what your final decision is, you don't need to make it today, right now.
Your emotions are very raw right now. You might decide to file for D based on your current hurt and anger. In my view, that would be the wrong motivation. Once you let things settle and you are calm and clear on what is best for you and your kids, you might still decide that filing is the best option and you can proceed knowing that you are doing it for the right reasons.
As for:
Originally Posted By: Tallula
When I take a deep look, I know I felt like I needed to just go file and start this because he knows how to string me along, eating the cake. And I worry with my preggo hormones that I will bite every once in awhile. So, I may be crazy posting for awhile for support.
I understand your fear and the reason why you are fearful that you may bite shows that you understand that how you react to his cake-eating is in YOUR hands. You don't have to file for D to stop "biting." He can continue to try cake-eating and that is out of your control, but that doesn't mean you will take it. Go back to focusing on you and setting and keeping healthy boundaries.
As for the hurt you feel from his constant lies, I have nothing for you. Yes, it hurts like nothing. Only time and detachment will help you heal and you need to be patient with YOURSELF to get there, because this is very raw, ongoing and you will have a R with this man for the rest of your life. So in a situation like ours, detachment and healing will probably take longer than if we could simply start a life apart from our Hs. Learn to be ok with that, learn to somehow deal with the pain in a healthy way and be ok that you will heal at your own pace. (Much, much easier said than done. I am over two years into this and it still hurts - a lot...)
This is why you HAVE to stay in your blanket and stop focusing on him. There is A LOT going on for you right now. Stay focused on what matters most - protecting your heart and that of your kids.
And leave him to figure out his stuff.
(((Tallula))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I'm actually not too terribly crazy, but you are so right. He has also said, I can't even count how many times but one was yesterday, that we will probably end up married again should we divorce (um, not going to happen). So, me divorcing him isn't going to stop him from still trying to bed me or keep me as an option. It's all up to me. ME!!
:puts on big girl pants: Here we go. Anger as a shield!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
But your feelings will change with time, give yourself some space to make sure your decision is not based on reacting to hurt.