Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
S15: I told him yesterday that it takes 45 days for the traces of pot to clear out of his blood. I told him he would somehow need to earn back my trust, and for now it would be by staying clean for 45 days so when I get him tested again it's negative. We'll put an appointment on the calendar for 45 days from now. He's doing great in lacrosse so far and seems to be really enjoying it. He gets lots of goals.
H: texted me about the start time for today's game but didn't end up coming; I don't know what happened. S15 told me H had texted him earlier today but his phone is cracked and he can't read texts. S12 also heard from H today because he came into the kitchen asking me to measure his height because dad wanted to know.
S15 got hurt in the game, and our go-to after hours doc is who H is living with, so I went to see him for the first time since H moved there in December. There was an awkward will-it-be-a-hug-or-a-handshake so I gave him a hug. Not an enthusiastic one but a polite one. I had been wondering what I would do, and that was what I did. S15 will be fine. I thought I'd better alert H that we did that, so I called him to tell him that 1) S got hurt and we saw doc/friend and it'll be fine and 2) S told me he got a text but couldn't read it.
H said he texted him about renting mountain bikes for part of spring break to see if he's interested. There are two different trips they could do. I said H could email S what he texted since S gets email.
I haven't spoken to H yet about the progress on handling S15 and the drug issue, or that S15 snuck out, or that S12 got his sleep study results and probably needs a tonsillectomy because his sleep is not healthy. I haven't asked H when he would like to reschedule the talk that he cancelled. I do not want to discuss complex health/legal/personal matters via text, and I do not like being expected to have these discussions at whatever odd time H shows up in my presence. I guess I need to ask him again if he would like to meet face to face so we can talk about the kids.
I suppose by expressing my need to have scheduled and planned time to talk about things like this, I have made it difficult and uncomfortable for H, since he tends to try to make hard and fast rules to follow out of every request I make asking him to modify his behavior. Not trying to mindread but just trying to observe that I need to just take action with H according to what I think is best or most effective rather than what I think will work for him. Honestly I would prefer to be left alone by him because I resent being judged and criticized and found wanting by this person who chooses to wash his hands of it all and live elsewhere and leave me to deal with the fallout.
Anyway, it's not like he's avoiding us entirely, he did make it to a second lacrosse game this past week and sat next to me and we were polite and friendly but mainly just watching the game.
New topic: I've been trying to figure out why my communication pattern with my sister is unsuccessful since it seems similar to what was wrong with me & my H as well. Things don't get said, get misinterpreted, people get frustrated and don't say anything, everyone thinks they're being nice and they're getting mad and won't admit it. Like that. I've been watching it more closely with my sister and find that she really seems to be trying to get everyone around her to do things she wants done. Like, she just texted me to ask about if she could give my kids scuba lessons for their birthdays. (Typical of my sister and brother, to come up with a wildly over the top grandiose kind of present, four months after not doing anything about the actual birthday, and something that requires the other person or other people to do significant work to implement...)
After going back and forth in a frustrating way via text, I called her and asked where this idea came from, since we don't live near water and don't really have money to travel and dive. She has a friend who is doing scuba and thought it would be cool. Her friend however is an adult and has a job and is doing scuba because he'll be going diving. My kids would need me to take them somewhere and pay for them to dive. Which maybe we would do someday but right now I'm in the middle of a possible divorce, financially strapped, and have no time to be taking them back and forth to these lessons they didn't ask for and don't have use for. This is running through my mind. This is typical too, she believes she's being really nice, and I end up being really resentful while at the same time thinking I'm being unreasonable.
I left it as this: 1. She should ask them if they want scuba lessons and tell them what it entails and why she thinks it would be cool and fun for them. If they're into the idea I will not say not. 2. If she wanted to know what they actually asked for for their birthdays, it's a small amount of money that they can buy something with since they have no money of their own and like to buy stuff for themselves, like $20. 3. I forgot to mention that they are not a unit and rarely like to do the same thing at the same time. This present idea is a lot more about her seeming super cool than it is about them, what they would want, who they are.
She and I also butted heads on the issue of my mom. My mom at 80 has changed her initial position and has decided she will do chemo after all. I'm surprised because she does not seem like a fighter, she has said over and over she has had a great life and she doesn't want to live it sick from chemo. My sister said the doctor wants to poison her to death with chemo. She knows one person who had chemo at an advanced age and refused to eat and died from infected bedsores because he could no longer get up and walk around. My sister wants my dad to be more proactive in caregiving, she wants me to get on my dad's case, she wants me to ask my neighbor to write my mom a letter to make my mom eat, she wants my dad to force my mom to eat and take pain medication she doesn't want to take, on and on and on I heard idea after idea that involved someone else doing something my sister wants them to do. I tried to just listen as much as I could, and I offered to discuss things with my mom and dad and report back to her what my impressions were.
I met with them today and learned that my dad is way more informed than she made him out to be, they have very good reason to be optimistic that chemo will eradicate the remnants of the cancer, they have a plan in place to reduce or eliminate nausea and they believe her main side effect will be a few days of being very tired after each of the 6 cycles, but not more than a few days each time. It sure doesn't sound like being poisoned to death. My mom is most concerned about losing her hair and having to wear a wig. They seem in good spirits, like they know what they're doing, and ready to give it a shot. They rolled their eyes about the juice and vitamins my sister is pushing from her internet research, but they seem willing to try to let her help too.
I feel bad that my sister feels helpless in this situation, but my dad is competent and my parents want to be in charge of their medical issues. I'm trying to hear my sister when she talks like I'm not doing enough, but I'm trying to balance that because she's not living my life and has no idea what I can do or think I should do.
I'm behind on work again so I'm probably not going to do much separation agreement stuff this weekend. I ended up spending most of today visiting my parents, driving to and from lacrosse and the doctor, and that's about it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I am going to add something to your to do list. It is something that you can make fun though...
Take your mom shopping before the chemo starts for a wig or two that she likes. Have her try them on, even ones that are nothing she might ever wear, you know...a sort of girls day.
My grandmother wore a wig all of the 16 years that she was in my life. Not because of chemo, but because of too many perms and hair coloring before the chemicals were as gentle as they are today. Basically burned her roots and went bald.
Anyway, even in the 1970's there were some really cool wigs out there. And because she had a few of them, she could change her look with her mood and always had at least one clean and styled and ready to go...
And believe it or not, if you didn't know it was a wig, you couldn't tell. I swear.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Wow, Ad. You have so much on your plate... I really feel for you.
I wanted to comment on one of the topics you mentioned about your sister.
It must be really tough for you to be patient with her when you recognize her controlling behaviors (which she could easily be unaware of herself) when it come to your mom's cancer treatment. Perhaps it stems from a real fear and worry she feels re. your mom's health and her lack of knowledge re. chemo treatments in older folks.
I'll share my experience in hopes that perhaps it might help ease some her worries.
My dad is 87 and started chemo treatment for prostate cancer last summer. As a family, we also had divided opinions on whether he should go through it, given his age. Yet we all respected his decision to do it. He has completed 10 of 12 cycles. After the first two cycles, he became really weak (from severe and chronic diarreah) and other side effects, including bad nausea. As a result, he lost a ton of weight and ended up in the hospital for a few days.
It turned out his doses was too strong. Once the Dr. adjusted it, all side effects disappeared, he started eating, regained his weight and strength and is now leading his normal life. He had a scan last week and everything is clean. He now has only 2 cycles left, which he plans to complete just to be safe.
His Dr. had re-assured us from the get-go that chemo treatments have come a long way from the horror stories of side effects we used to hear and there are a lot more options in terms of how to deal with them. She turned out to be right.
I am so grateful that my dad's body withstood the treatments and he is clean today. Yet, regardless of the outcome, he ended up doing what he wanted and I know he appreciated our support, our respecting his decision and not letting our fears and worries about his health and well-being divide us as a family.
No matter what, it's a scary thing to go through, no question. Ad, I really hope things turn out well for your mom and your family.
(((((Ad)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
You don't have time to deal with scuba lessons period -- just say "no" and leave it at that.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
Things don't get said, get misinterpreted, people get frustrated and don't say anything, everyone thinks they're being nice and they're getting mad and won't admit it. Like that. I've been watching it more closely with my sister and find that she really seems to be trying to get everyone around her to do things she wants done.
90% of communication is non-verbal. Are you contributing tone or body language that may be fueling this? If you see it as a pattern in many people you interact with then either it's something about you reflecting back, or you're unlucky to attract or be related to a few people with a similar dysfunction. Either is probably equally as likely or a mix? Something to discuss with T? I have observed that when you don't agree with people you can come on very strong with an implied "so there!" at the end. Maybe that contributes? Don't know.
Originally Posted By: adinva
If she wanted to know what they actually asked for for their birthdays,
Some people like to ask what you want and give you exactly that. Some people like to surprise you with something they feel you will like, some people like to share with you something they like. Are any of those approaches wrong? Why?
Originally Posted By: advina
This present idea is a lot more about her seeming super cool than it is about them, what they would want, who they are.
Harsh judgement no? Okay if you are venting
Originally Posted By: advina
My sister said the doctor wants to poison her to death with chemo. She knows one person who had chemo at an advanced age and refused to eat and died from infected bedsores because he could no longer get up and walk around
Your sister is scared! She feels helpless and isn't used to it. She's trying to do anything to give herself a feeling of control. Maybe talk to her about her fear?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yes acc, there is a pattern and I have been working diligently with my IC on it for approaching two years now, and it is that when my needs are being run over I put them down, deny them, or fail to recognize them in the first place, and then feel resentful without even understanding why.
I have a pattern of feeling bad for disagreeing with something that on the surface seems really nice like my sister's birthday present proposal.
I have a pattern of allowing manipulative people to run over me.
I'm trying to change those things.
What does an implied so there look like, and how does one disagree without it?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
What does an implied so there look like: raise eyebrows slightly, tilt head slightly to one side and back again...:P
Seriously though, it is so great that you are working on these interactions. My H is very much like you and his pattern his whole life has been just to get away, jettison everything and start again- like not acknowledging things makes them go away. So, he has never learned to deal effectively with these parts of his personality. I am glad you are
Tell S truth: sounds totally amazing, but there is so much in our lives right now, that we could not commit to one more activity. Give her a hug and tell her you love her for thinking of your boys.
Tell S truth: sounds totally amazing, but there is so much in our lives right now, that we could not commit to one more activity. Give her a hug and tell her you love her for thinking of your boys.
^^^^ Great way of approaching this in a loving way while expressing your needs/concerns!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
You may want to have a look at the book "Boundaries". It is written from a religious perspective, which gives it a certain flavor, but even without this, I think it is useful.
Good luck,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
What does an implied so there look like, and how does one disagree without it?
This is obviously highly nuanced and I'd have to go back to find some examples. Go back and look at your posts when people made you angry (CV, Cat, etc.), maybe it will jump out at you?
One way to disagree is to state how you feel, or how you interpret, versus trying to state fact. For example, if someone says something you believe is complete BS and makes you angry, you can say:
"You are wrong and your opinions are hateful!" (so there!)
-- or you can say:
"I don't agree with that, and it makes me feel badly to read it"
The first one is about them and their wrongness, the second one is about you and how you feel. No one can debate how you feel about something.
The first one is going to escalate the situation, or shut it down with hurt feelings. The second one might lead to a productive discussion -- "why don't you agree?, why does it make you feel badly?"
I'm positive you know this already so I doubt I'm helping, but you asked and I'm doing my best.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
