One other quick thing, W is reporting that she doesn't remember much of anything from our M before 4 years ago right now, and nothing much from the past 18 months...so there is that MLC memory-wipe confirmed in the field....
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I guess that's a protection from the pain in their mind. I am seeing that memory loss constantly with H.
Sometimes it's humorous. I have some pretty pajamas I bought with a gift card from H during the time two years ago when he was really starting to begin his replay activities.
I don't wear them too often but every time I do, H acts so pleasantly surprised and says he has never seen them before !! It cracks me up! Saves on our budget, I guess b/c I don't have to buy new ones. Lol!!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Funny thing, 4 years after my divorce, I think I'm suffering from the same thing. My ex did such a good job of being a jerk to me those last couple of years, I find it difficult to remember any of the good times in the marriage! I KNOW there were plenty - we actually had a very happy marriage for most of those 24 years - but darned if I can remember anything right now except for the crappy times. It's like he contaminated all my good memories.
That is really interesting. My H doesn't remember things from two months ago. I still wonder if he is really forgetting them or it's just conveniently forgetting them. We had conversations after BD but before OWBD where he told me he would never love me again "that way," and compared it to his past GF and how he still had love for them. Then the next day was really upset when I confronted him about it and said he didn't remember saying that and apologized.
I'm glad to hear that the meal switch up is going smoothly. I think making it a "team" effort is a really good idea. I thought I better switch my name in case H ever stumbled on here. Previous nick would be a dead give away.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
That's hilarious rH! What other nefarious uses could we LBS put this to? Hmmmm...
kml-I can completely see that effect, there were times where I couldn't remember either, thankfully I had my song writings from all those years to remind me that we DID have a pretty good marriage, but I was having trouble recaling.
Raine-Yeah, it is strange, and I think valid...W has trouble remembering even regular, non-R everyday things, even about things with the kids...guess their minds are just running on overdrive and breaking neuron connections trying to rebuild new ones...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T^2, that made me think of something else. My SIL suffered from a sever depression for several months a few years ago. She got on AD and she said it was like a fog had lifted, but she didn't realize what a murky fog she was in until the AD started working. She had thought life was normal. She would ask her H, "When did we get that; when did that happen?" It would be things that had been there for months, things he had talked to her about, things she had made decisions on. She couldn't remember any of it. Sounds like a common element of depression to me. She says now that she has been in that fog, she can recognize it coming on and be able to rationalize things in her own mind about what it is and what it means. She hasn't had to go to AD again, but feels now she would be able to recognize the need to.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I would agree, W has had depression off and on, in addition to SAD, and seems this has memory effects. She remembers "summertime" things much better than "wintertime" things...I hope she gets to the point like your SIL where she sees the state coming on and can be proactive.
And she just told me she is going to see Dr today to see about going back on wellbutrin, seemed to help last year some, and she knows that it isn't the "cure", just to take the edge off so she can move forward better...we'll see what happens, it did seem to help her move past the anger/spew stage, and she doesn't hate me anymore, soooo...lol...
But this is a nice self-initiated "action" step to see from her. She IS trying, which I have been good to validate all of her trying.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I have dilemma I am asking for help with... W emailed me some honest stuff this morning, I will give the significant snippets for background:
"very said too about taking S1 to school and the reality of my kids getting older and the house so empty... i know S2 is here.. which helps ... but i'm still feeling what i think i ran away from all those years... numbed my feelings with shopping and chatting.... and i don't want to feel them now either... i'm too depressed all ready...
saw a pretty woman at the school... why should i be jealous.. i am attractive too... i don't know ... but i was focused on how attractive she was dressed and looked... "
"i feel screwed... like i'll never find my way... and that i've made a lot of mistakes... i'm so lost... and feeling so lonely.... and unfulfilled...."
"right now i'm crying and tapping on this sadness.. i found a good EFT script.... it's been very helpful
talks about running from the feeling... and i want to do that so bad... i don't want to grieve.... it's so painful....
i don't know if i can let go of all my contacts right now... i'm too depressed and feeling alone.... ja__ was a significant one... the rest are not... but i can't end it all at once..."
I haven't responded yet (which probably has her in a state since I am so good at responding quickly). I feel like this honesty is significant, and I do appreciate it, I also feel there is a test in there somewhere...so I am asking for some advice since the last advice regarding the cooking/groceries was so successful from all of you
Part of me wants to say, "well, that is your choice, I have mine" sorta thing, or something along rH's line of "deciding on her timeline" to her H, or nothing except "thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it"...
Idk, this isn't unexpected, especially if she has become addicted, but still, I know I am weary of that aspect and know that we can't move along with "us" while there is OP in communication, even if not "significant". Then there is a small part of me that toys with the tough love approach and/or just saying "eff it, I'm done".
So NOT a good way to start a Monday work week...
Other than that we got the kids all situated in new schools TOGETHER, and not too bad around the house. I came close to budget with groceries, only went over because there were staples that needed re-stocking and some toiletries, I made some good dinners and cleaned up the kitchen nicely (of course, W was jealous (that IS such an issue for her whenever other people do things successfully, especially me) I told her that there was no reason, that I spent years doing kitchen work, and I wasn't trying to show her up, that my only thought was to leave things nice for her in the morning, and that she can always feel free to jump in, not a competition or anything like that...
So I will wait before responding, I have a bunch of work to do anyway, any advice welcome as always...
Oh look, a squirrel....! (lol)
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, Your wife is thinking out loud. She still has a lot insecurities about the way she looks and her life as it is right now. I would respond with something like this: "W, I read your email and I want to thank you for sharing your feelings with me this morning. I do understand some of what you are feeling right now about the boys and the house being empty. Would you like to sit down this evening and discuss what you are feeling with me?" Put the ball back into her court and see if she will respond back to you w/a yes.
Your wife is reaching out a bit w/these snippets.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is heavy. Makes me think of the song, "here we go round the mulberry bush". Again?
I'm sorta busy this morning but just wanted you to know I'll think about what you said and try to come up with something helpful, along with everybody else.
It occurs to me, just off the cuff, since W and I share some of the same duties, homeschooling and all.
It's this idea. Saturday, both boys went to my sister's SIL's house for the day so I was alone. Very uncommon occurrence. H spent most of the day with me, again very uncommon to be alone.
To tell you the truth it was kinda scary. Sitting across the lunch table from him and being alone with him. I didn't know how to act or what to say. Of course, it ended up working out and we had a nice afternoon...but the point is...my identity for many years has been "mom" and it is scary to transition to being W again. Especially at home, where my identity is.
So...trying to identify with W...lots of fear...of who she is...of you...of others....of her future? I'll think about it for a while. I'll try to help, T^2; you've helped me so much
My H is better at everything too and I have found it intimidating. It's hard to get past if if your self-confidence is low.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
