hrm, Dig deeper for patience and definitely give him plenty of space to work on his issues. Your h is still in a very fragile state and he's going to be that way for quite a while. He's still very skittish, much like a scared baby kitten. So, drop the kibbles of friendship and allow him to gobble them up at his own pace.
How to act around others...just be yourself. I wouldn't discuss his behavior w/others at this point...you don't know what they will say to him. Follow their lead when it comes to conversations about other things. Don't offer up too much info on what is going on in your own household.
I think he's working through his issues, but the beer drinking is puzzling. It could be he needs to have something in his hand to relax and/or calm him down. Maybe he thinks the alcohol will help his nerves. Then again, maybe he's just enjoying his beer at home instead of in a some crappy dive.
Your comment about him moving his stuff back into your bedroom remind me of a movie I watched recently called "Hope Springs". It's a good movie and one that you might enjoy.
Hrm, when he's ready to talk, he will, but until then, sit quietly and be patient. Please keep in mind he may not talk about everything and you will have to accept that for now, but some day, all will be revealed to you, but it will be on his timeline and God's.
You've done a fabulous job in handling your situation, but I do have one question...where is the toothbrush these days? LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H invited the OW to Christmas dinner at his parents. I was horrified and so hurt. I still think about that and, in my non-MLC, non-alcoholic mind, that's only something you do when you are really serious about someone. He said "It was just dinner."
Anyway, your sitch gives me hope.
I'm happy for you.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
HRM, if you thought it was hard before, keep in mind the real work is going on now. As snodderly says, he is fragile. Teetering. He'll need your help and support to finish his trip. You'll be tested. But I think you'll want to be known as that woman and best friend, and wife that stuck by without questioning. Later in life of course. As mentioned, you'll know it all, but later. In his and God's time. Before that would not be a good thing. It never is
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
HRM, it has been very encouraging to read your sitch. I'm so happy that things are moving in such a positive direction. Keep on keeping on. I think you're doing amazing!
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
snodderly~ It's a good thing I'm a cat person! LOL I can deal with scared kitten! But seriously, he is still very fragile, case and point, Last weekend I was sick and when he went out he asked if I wanted anything. I asked him to pick up some soft pretzels (we had a coupon). He did and they came with a free bottle of mustard, he got spicy, which was fine, but I didn't really use it, it was a little over powering, I had gotten out the yellow mustard we had had in the fridge. He saw it and said, kind of deflated/disappointed in himself, "I'm sorry, I got the wrong mustard. They had 3 and I didn't know what to choose." I couldn't believe he was serious for a second and then I said, "No, no, it's fine, it's just mustard. It just is a little over powering, but I think it's because I'm all stuffed up. It's really not a big deal."
I'll add updates at the end of this post about interactions with other people, I think I did well.
I will have to add that movie to the Netflix list, thanks Snodderly..... oh and I'm happy to report the toothbrush has continued to stay in the toothbrush holder! LOL
LoisB~ Wow, that's hurtful, but then again, that's what they do.... just remember it really is all part of the show. I know it's hard, especially when it's something as hurtful as that, but keep trying to remember it's not about you.
AJ~You are absolutely right, thank you so much for the reminders! I need them.
Hopper~ Thank you!
Hi T thank you so much for checking in, and yes, there is news. Good things have been happening! Here are the updates....
Saturday I went with H and his buddy to a match, it was rather far away and we met his buddy at H's mom's house. Buddy gave me a hug and I told him it was good to see him, he said the same. Before we got out of town we stopped for gas and to get some snacks. H's buddy and I went into the store while H pumped gas. I asked buddy how he was, he told me some stuff and he asked me the same. I told him I'm doing well, just glad to be getting my H back.
He eluded to not wanting to pry into our business, but said he's been pulling for us both. I thanked him and just said it was the shock of my life and has been rough, but I'm just trying to focus on the positive. He said that's good and said H seems to be doing better too and "has a spring in his step again." LOL That was the end of that conversation. I thought it went well, didn't say much, don't know what H may have said, but I think the points were made.
The rest of the day went well, it started out super cold 14 degrees!!! But warmed up to the upper 30's by the time he was done shooting. He did excellent btw. He also told me if he won the match and got bumped up to the next level I must be his good luck charm. LOL Well....guess I'm his good luck charm, cause it happened!
When we got home we were exhausted from getting up so early, we took a nap, together, it was nice. He is still sleeping in the other room otherwise, but maybe testing the waters with naps? IDK.
H's brother came over today, the one I wanted to apologize to, which I did. He told me it wasn't necessary, but it made me feel better, so it all worked out. His brother has invited the entire family to him and his gf's apartment for dinner next weekend, so that should be interesting.
While his brother was there today I got the confirmation that his mom is still a controlling nut job. H said something about good job to his sister for having that baby and taking the focus off of him (hmmmmmmmm). His brother said, I don't know about that mom is still focused on getting you back on your pedestal, and not being a cranky gun obsessed hermit. I did say H isn't a hermit. His brother said yeah he is he goes to work, shoots, and goes home. I didn't say anything else, I just sat back and watched the brotherly bickering, etc. LOL
Also I found it interesting when his brother was here he told him he wants to redo our deck this summer!!! I didn't say anything, just sat there, like did I just hear that? Then they went on to plan how they and their other brother could complete it in a weekend....
OH! and when I went to counseling last week and gave my counselor all of the updates, he was quite pleased, he also gave me another analogy I HAVE to share with you all.... it's like Wendy's feral cat one.... this one is very central PA. LOL. He told me I need to continue to be patient and remember it's going to be one step forward and two steps back. He said think of H as a deer, he's coming out of the woods to eat the corn you have put out. He'll get startled and run if he looks up and sees that you see him. No sudden moves, I need to be a tree, because me seeing him is a scary thing for him. LOL So here's to being a tree!
For not knowing anything about MLC my counselor is really good, he does know quite a bit about depression, which clearly plays a bigger role than I realized in this. He continues to give me very DB advice, and warnings of the long road ahead. He also told me I need to realize H may not talk about what he's going/gone through for awhile, if ever, and I need to figure out if I am ok with that and how I am going to deal with that.
When I asked about interacting with other people he said the same thing snodderly did, be yourself. He said on the off chance someone would say something negative about everything (like H's mom) I should just say, "thank you for telling me that, that must have been really weighing on you. I appreciate your perspective." He said this wouldn't be a lie because it will give me insight into how to interact/deal with this person in the future. See wise man! LOL
I also wanted to add again, thank you to everyone for your continued support and encouragement!!
hrm, I'm sorry to read that you were ill, but it sounds like you are up and about now.
I'm very happy for you. Life is turning around for you and your h. Continue as you have been, i.e., be paitent and no expectations! It's one step forward, two steps back and do not get discouraged if you do step back a couple of steps. It all a process and what you need to be aiming for is the finish line.
Continue listening to your h and validating his feelings. He needs you as his sounding board and when you validate him, it makes him feel like he's worth something.
You are doing great. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks T and Snodderly! Trust me I am continually telling myself (in my head of course) slow, patient, let him come to you!
I am a bit annoyed by something though, I haven't seen my dear friend in over a month, I've texted her and stuff, but haven't seen her and still have her Christmas gifts. I asked her about coming over, and apparently she's too scared to make H mad to come over.... ugh.... I don't know what to do with her. I mean, if he keeps working through his stuff and going forward with us (which I hope both happen!!!) she's got to realize she's going to have to talk to him again at some point. IDK. Anyway, on a happy note, I just finished making beer batter maple bacon cupcakes for the first time, and oh yeah they taste just as amazing as they sound!
hrm, I can understand how your friend feels, but she's got to trust you. You wouldn't invite her over if your h was going to go off the rails. You might need to suggest meeting her for coffee or something just to pave the way for her to feel more comfortable about coming over.
The cupcakes sound delicious. Yum!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
