Confused by WAS

[AnotherStander]

but second there are times when she seems upset that I am doing other things and ignoring her which drives her away. What is a guy to do? It seems counterintuitive to GAL if that is going to drive her away.

It sounds like there's some mind-reading going on here, are you sure that GAL is causing her to be upset, and are you sure it "drives her away"? Because your M is in trouble, so it's probably more likely that she's upset and moving away because of that rather than your GAL, and you may just be confusing the reasons. GAL is healthy for YOU, so continue it.

In DR Michele says to monitor results, but anything you try you're supposed to give it a few weeks to see what happens. So don't try to read much into things after a few hours or days. Just stick with the plan for a while and see how it goes.

[Grizz]

Thanks for the insight. Could be mind reading but I still think she is much more distant/unhappy when I leave. Possibly because I am leaving her with the kids. She has said that she does not want to be around me however she asked me to go eat with her and the kids twice this weekend. She will sleep in our bed a couple of nights then sleep in another room for a couple of nights. She still kisses me goodnight then leaves. I am totally lost.
Today has been a rough day for some reason. I have been down more today than the past few days. I actually shed a tear today for the first time in a long time ( by myself I must add). Every time I think it is getting a little easier it smacks me in the face and I realize it isn't. I still love her so much but, I am not sure how long I can do this. It seems like I am just torturing myself hoping something will change. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

[Grizz]

Oh yeh, do I ask her why sometimes she sleeps in our bed and other times not (no real apparent reason to me, I have definitely tried to figure it out)? Or, do I just let it go and not acknowledge it?

[Grizz]

Well, we have some mutual friends going on vacation next week and they have offered their house to either of us as a place to stay just to "get away". I have been very seriously considering it. Good idea or not?

[AnotherStander]

She has said that she does not want to be around me however she asked me to go eat with her and the kids twice this weekend. She will sleep in our bed a couple of nights then sleep in another room for a couple of nights. She still kisses me goodnight then leaves. I am totally lost.

This is the distance/ pursuit dynamic at work. If you pull back as it sounds like you have, then her reaction will be to pursue you (wants to eat together, sleeps in your bed). What you should do is not react. This is the "castle analogy" written by Tumbling that helps explain what is going on and how you should react:

Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. The drawbridge is up and there's a moat all the way around the exterior. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat. You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

So you detach and GAL and leave her to sort her thoughts and join you if/ when she's ready.

I actually shed a tear today for the first time in a long time ( by myself I must add).

Crying is hard for us guys, but it's a healthy thing. I used to go home after work (after separation), lock the bedroom door, go in the bathroom and start the waterworks. That would go on for 15+ minutes, then I'd get my act together, dry off and go out to take care of the kids. That went on for a couple of weeks and then became less and less frequent until it just stopped one day. Don't keep it bottled up!

Oh yeh, do I ask her why sometimes she sleeps in our bed and other times not (no real apparent reason to me, I have definitely tried to figure it out)? Or, do I just let it go and not acknowledge it?

No, don't ask and don't acknowledge it. Asking about it would be pressure and you don't want to put any pressure on her.

Well, we have some mutual friends going on vacation next week and they have offered their house to either of us as a place to stay just to "get away". I have been very seriously considering it. Good idea or not?

I would stay in the house if I were you, but by all means ask her if she wants to go stay there to get away and spend some time to herself.

[Grizz]

This distant/pursuit dynamic [censored]. When she pursues, I want to latch onto her like grim death and not let go. Patience, patience, patience and self control!

[Grizz]

I know there are others out there that have a WAS that have said they want a divorce but either cannot or will not move out. This is my sitch. In the broader scheme I guess this could be a good thing as it gives her more time to change her mind and to see the changes I have made. However, it is so hard knowing how she feels and what she has said to me. The other thing is that she goes on as if nothing is wrong. Still has pleasant conversations with me, texts me and calls for nothing terribly important. Initially I distanced myself quite a bit but after some suggestions here I am no longer doing that as much and she still wants to be around me. This is good I guess but she has given no indication of any change in her overall feelings. ( I am not going to ask either). It is just hard to have her be nice to me and wanting to still talk when she has told me how she feels about us. Any thoughts or words of encouragement/discouragement are greatly appreciated. Thanks again.

[swoop]

A couple things I will say as encouragement. First, don't reflect on what she said. Maybe she will say something completely different tomorrow

Also, just appreciate how nice and friendly she is being right now. You are enjoying that, right? Take that as a good thing and be happy about it, even if just for the moment.

Keep doing what you're doing, GAL and staying detached. Keep your goals in mind and work towards them. Think of as a challenge. I have started to do that, and it is actually making DBing a little easier on me.

[AnotherStander]

This distant/pursuit dynamic [censored]. When she pursues, I want to latch onto her like grim death and not let go. Patience, patience, patience and self control!

LOL! Yes, unfortunately our minds tell us that's the right thing to do. This is one of those times that DB'ing is counterintuitive.

I know there are others out there that have a WAS that have said they want a divorce but either cannot or will not move out. This is my sitch. In the broader scheme I guess this could be a good thing as it gives her more time to change her mind and to see the changes I have made. However, it is so hard knowing how she feels and what she has said to me. The other thing is that she goes on as if nothing is wrong. Still has pleasant conversations with me, texts me and calls for nothing terribly important.

My W was similar, after BD we seemed to be getting along really well and I became convinced that she was changing her mind about leaving. We were doing things together, talking more, even ML more than before BD. We went to MC, everything seemed to be going great. But in MC she just kept saying she saw no future for our M and that she didn't "want to try" even though it seemed like she was trying hard. This is actually fairly common with "low energy" WAS's, they can act like everything is fine while still planning their "escape".

[Grizz]

That is what I keep thinking. She is just buying time and trying to make it as pleasant around the house as she can just until she can get out. Which I don't like. Feels like I am being used. She says she is still not sure what she wants to do. Says even if she had the money she is unsure if she would leave. Says she is torn. I'm not buying it. Guess there is nothing I can do about it either way though. As we say, I can only control my actions not hers. Thanks to both of you for the feedback.