Title for this thread is basically my goal is to now stop, or at least slow down, the D process since paperwork is filed and lawyers are retained. I’ll continue to show her the new me and try to remember time is on my side.
To summarize thread #1, mid-October she filed for D and I had no idea it was coming. We hadn’t done any MC or even discussed the M was in that bad of shape. We’ve never communicated our feelings to each other in our M and it still bothers me she went as far as filing without us even discussing things but it’s what she felt she needed to do so I have to respect that. I actually thought we were doing better this year up to that then the previous 2-3 years. Typical LBS there with me being in dark on how bad she was doing; I’m still shocked at myself for needing her to file for me to change but at least I’m changing now...
After BD I did all the wrong stuff (begged, cried, pleaded, etc…) and it drove her further away and we fought a lot the first couple weeks. I found this site, read the books, and did some soul searching and realized I had a lot of issues that needed work. I always secretly blamed her for our issues and never really worked on me even when I said I was (yes I had a HUGE ego). I hit rock bottom and I’ll admit to some very dark days, I went from being God’s gift to earth with everything revolving around me to being the lowest scum on the planet. I thankfully reached out to some close friends, quickly got out of that mindset; realized humility is a good thing and decided to change. I did (am doing) 180’s on all my big issues immediately both for me and the M. Since then I’m feeling much better about myself, I’m in the best shape I’ve been in since college (never been really our of shape but now starting to look ripped again ), I’m dressing better and not just wearing Under Armor and Nike, and I’m enjoying every single minute with my kids. Not sure if makes sense but I even feel better about my W since I no longer blame her or expect her to make me happy. I still occasionally backslide when my emotions are running wild but overall the 180’s are starting to feel more natural and I’ve figured out to just shut it down when the emotions are out of control.
W and I are still in same house and sleeping in same bed again since about Thanksgiving. She still says she’s set on D when R talk comes up but she isn’t disengaging and instead is doing more things with me and kids. We have a D7 and a S4 that we still haven’t told who still think we’re the perfect family; I pray every day they never have to hear about what’s going on and we can get through this before telling them anything. Our first actual trial date is set for Feb which is the same time we’re going on a family cruise. We just recently agreed to still go on the trip together a few weeks ago. We aren’t fighting much anymore and are actually getting along pretty well. I know I’m not detaching at all because I feel like I need to show her the new me. I’m trying to consistently show her my 180’s and make her realize what she’s giving up. Sometimes I think it’s working by her attitude and her initiating more talks/ phone calls when apart but when she talks she still says that D is best option. In our last talk she did say only time will tell on my changes which at this point all I really want is more time. I’ve started talking in her LL’s probably for first time ever and I think she’s starting to notice. I’m helping her set up a non-profit foundation and website that we initially discussed about a year ago and we’ve been working well together on that. I personally really enjoy website design and setting these types of things up so it’s a win/win. I have hope for our situation but I’m working very hard to keep expectations in check and living in the moment rather than doing things for an outcome. I know there is still a LONG way to go to even get to piecing because once my W has made a decision it’s very difficult for her to change her mind and she still saying she wants D.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I haven’t evaluated goals or set new ones in quite a while so figured perfect place to do that is start of new thread. Here goes.
We’ll start with previous goals and status:
Don’t separate, stay living together • Discussed numerous times early but so far still together. Still afraid S may be eventually required to save M
Start exercising more • Been very active and in best shape of life. I’m also eating healthy
Spend more time with kids, be happy around them • Been easier than I thought and loving every minute of it
Talk with W without fighting (about R and small talk) • Doing pretty good for most part
Convince her to cancel/ delay D proceeding • Not a good goal I realize because not in my control. Haven’t accomplished it either
Get in Word more and increase my faith • Read Bible almost daily and have become closer with guys from church
Stop asking questions and stop trying to control situations/ outcomes • Still working on this but getting much better recently.
Detach • Haven’t been very successful here for reasons in above post. If I don’t believe improvements in M are being made in next 1-2 months I will go at this one again. For now not sure it makes sense because W thinks I’ve been detached for years while I thought I was engaged. Now I’m engaging ‘properly’.
New goals Establish friendship with W so she wants to be with me • Start being funny again • Be supportive • Give her space (no questioning) • Listen to what she says and empathize • Validate her feelings and needs • Give her full attention during talks • Don’t bring up past • Don’t criticize or try to fix • Compliment her on things and stop assuming she knows I appreciate • Try not to say anything that seems controlling or manipulative
Work on my own interests • Workout regularly • Learn to play guitar • Spend more quality time with kids • Read more • Don’t feel bad playing occasional video game
Speak in W’s love language • Do acts of service w/o being asked • Listen when she talks
Stop pursuit behavior • Don’t bring up R • Discuss with her when she brings up but don’t pressure what I want during talks • Don’t discuss impact of D on kids • Don’t look for reassurance
Some outcomes I hope to see if I achieve these goals • Become friends with W again, enjoy small talks and finding out about her, enjoy spending time together without kids • R talks don’t sway to D but instead more towards reconciling • Receive words of affirmation from W (this is my LL) • Plant seeds of doubt regarding D with W to get D process stopped or at least put on hold (get more time) • Start either MC or Retrouvaille or similar type help • Physical contact (hold hands, hug, her be receptive or initiate kiss, ML) • Go on a date
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Status update: Since Tuesday's Friend of Court and R discussion we've gotten along pretty well with her initiating a lot of small talk. We haven't had a word about R, which is fine by me after all last weekends talks, but have been working together finishing up shopping and hanging out around house. I've also been helping her setup a non-profit foundation and started a website for her disorder awareness. She's planning a half marathon run in May and when we discuss it sounds like she's expecting me there (most likely as friends in her mind but nice I'm in picture). She seems excited about finally getting this off the ground and has a renewed energy level. She's also brought up a few activities that she wants family to do over next week or so.
My mom invited her to my families Christmas (really small this year) but she hasn't said if she'll be going or not. I know she's going to her families the weekend after with kids and I'm not invited. New Years plans are still up in the air so we'll see what happens. Tomorrow her and kids are going to a work Christmas party while I go see a movie with a friend (I wasn't invited to party and kind of glad not going because not a fan of most people there). Kids found out I wasn't going last night in car and both were upset and said it's always more fun when dad goes and why can't he change plans. They didn't drop it so after about a minute I put on a song they liked to change subject. W was in really good mood until then but was pretty quiet for next 30-45 minutes. Not sure if that meant anything or not.
I've been continuing to work out a lot and playing more guitar. Kids love the song Cruise by Florida Georgia Line so learned that quickly the other night. Only 4 chords and easy progression but kids were impressed and sang and danced the night away .
I continue to show her the new me and speak her LL and she seems to be opening up a little more. It's really difficult getting a read on her though and she keeps everything close to chest. She's also not ready to invite me to any of her things yet which leads me to believe still no change regarding M for her. Only time will tell and I know I just have to be patient.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Wow, that's quite a list! Reminds me of some of my New Year's Resolutions. If I had fulfilled everything I put on paper, I would have been just about perfect. (ha)
I like lists like you've made, b/c it says you have your brain working in the right direction. Instead of acting like a victim, you have written out a plan of action. Good job!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Spent today with family and went to 'Breakfast with Santa' and then did some shopping for D7's school party crafts. Got home and did a little Christmas crafting which was fun (and something I've always avoided in past). We all had a bunch of laughs and had a good time together even though S4 was trying to be bad at times. In my head I kept asking myself what is so wrong with this life and why does she want out??? I still really struggle to understand the WAS and not wanting to work on M when the S is obviously wanting to and willing to change. I understand not being happy and feeling need to leave if no change but if S is truly interested in changing why not take a chance to see what could happen??? Especially if married for several years with kids. I'm guessing I'll likely never understand because I always feel like people deserve another chance.
W and kids are going to her work party and I'm going to dinner and see The Hobbit with friends. I'm sure I'll have a good time and I'm GAL'ing but when I'm honest with myself I kind of want to spend the evening with them and it bugs me that I can't.
I also read in a post last night regarding LBS being frustrated with both the feeling of being in limbo and being sexually starved. We have absolutely no intimacy or physical contact and it's probably not good that's on my mind now also .
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Hey Spartan, I am really impressed with your goals, really specific. I might just have to borrow a few of them for myself.
It sounds like you are on the right track. You are focussing on your life ans changes you need to make.
I'm no expert but I would expect your W to talk about continuing with D even if she is starting to think differently. She will be nervous that the second she expresses any doubt about her chosen path you will suddenly have huge expectations. Also I think they latch onto this D idea and then find it really hard to let it go...pride perhaps? I'm thinking it was probably a huge deal to get to the idea of D and then they can't figure out how to back away.
Just my thoughts. I don't have any answers I'm afraid.
And I so get your "tell me again how this is so bad we have to D" thoughts. My H already left 10 months ago and I still think those kinda thoughts often as we interact. We chat easily, laugh a lot, catch each others eye in a little private communication when the kids do or say something. There's clearly still a connection even after all this time but he is resolutely heading down the D path. I don't think I will ever understand.
I agree that time in on your side ans you also have a huge advantage in that you are still living together. I understand that situation would bring its own difficulties but at least you have opportunities to show your 180s and use her LL and also to assess the impact of what you are trying. Giving her space would be key I think.
Good luck. You have given me very supportive feedback on my own post so ill make sure I visit your post regularly.
Me46, H49, D17, D11 M22, T25 BD Dec26 2011 he moved out Feb29 2012
I also read in a post last night regarding LBS being frustrated with both the feeling of being in limbo and being sexually starved. We have absolutely no intimacy or physical contact and it's probably not good that's on my mind now also .
Yeah, that's probably done more to wreck my standing than anything else. It's not so much the sex part, it's the physical touch (my PLL) and the intimacy that I so desperately need in my life. I went without contact for 6 months, but I just can't live life with my love tank constantly on empty. So I'm not anymore. But that's not a story for your thread
I went back and looked at your very first post but don't see your W's age listed. I see you've been together for 20 years which makes me think she must be in the 40-50 range. Is she in perimenopause? Very early in my sitch I mentioned that my W had surgery about 18 months ago and was told she would start menopause within a year. Menopause affects different women in different ways, but many of them lose interest in their H when they start into it and start feeling caged in by their family. They feel an overwhelming need to "be free". DB'ing is of course about looking at ourselves and fixing what is wrong which is always a worthwhile effort, but I do think perimenopause is a huge contributing factor to what many of us are going through. It's becoming increasingly clear that my W is in it. She's always talking about how tired she is, she sleeps until noon on Saturday and Sunday and she's been getting hot flashes. What really surprised me is when I started talking to her about it, she knew nothing about perimenopause or menopause at all. I even had to explain to her what the difference between the two is. She has not discussed it with her PCP and has not had her hormone levels checked. When women start approaching 50 it should just be standard procedure for PCP's to recommend additional testing for this, and they should question them about how their personal relationships are going for indications that there may be hormonal issues. This is an area that's just getting largely ignored and marriages are crumbling as a result.
We're both 38 so I don't think it's perimenopause or menopause, our drives are just different and always have been. This now gives her the out so it's not even brought up. Yes we met when we were 18 and dated on and off the first year and have been together since we were 19. It's amazing how much we'v both changed. I think that is one reason she's done some of the things she has over the years is because she never was on her own and she seems to think that's a good option now. I've never wanted that so I haven't had those urges.
Planing to meet W and kids today at post office to get their passports for cruise. For whatever reason the last couple days I've been really doubting if cruise was a good idea. I'm afraid it will just lead to more hurt for me buts it's too late now because kids are super excited. She originally said we could go to show kids we can be friends even if divorcing. She's brought up the friends thing since then also. I think next time she mentions it I'm going to let her know that I do want to become friends with her again in the context of marriage but because of my feelings I doubt we could ever be friends if we get divorced. May even tell her best case will be a business relationship only with kids. Do you think this is a good idea?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
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