I had an HRM moment last night with W...I was started to clean the kitchen and she stopped me, saying I wasn't doing it "right" and also she needed to bring up this weekend when I was washing the dishes and didn't do it "right", I asked "How so?". She replied "You weren't using the water right..."
I nearly burst out laughing (my first career was in the kitchen side of the restaurant business for over 15 years, so I am quite capable and fully, professionally trained on how to clean a kitchen and dishes). I know she saw me start a burst of laughter (I hide things so poorly), so she added that she knew she was being controlling and all, but it was important to her right now and she couldn't help it. A woman having a problem with her fully trained H doing the dishes...really?...lol...ummm...okaaaay. I wanted to say something else, defend myself more, but thought better of it, so I just said that's okay, I didn't necessarily agree with her about how I do dishes but that I can certainly work on changing how I do them. No big deal, hun.
Here is the interesting thing she said next, "I have to learn how to argue with you. How to be mad at you. We are both so sensitive. I read that couples need to argue these things out so they can be got out and let go of. We never really did that. We need to do that."
So using my sooooooper-dooooooper mind reading powers <gak>... seems to be a good thing, looking at the old R and what maybe wasn't working, and working on changing that and the "we" statements...idk...though I will put money down that I have a round of "testing" coming up shortly... lol, or is that *sigh*?
Thoughts, comments, always welcomed.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, The fact that she is reading about relationships sounds like a good thing. When she said she had to learn how to be "mad at you" is she really saying how to be mad and still care for/love you at the same time? She probably does not know how. It is obvious throught this MLC you have mastered the "let go of" part of arguements but a controlling person always has a hard time letting go of or accepting things as they are. It is unatural to their charachter. Seems like i'm babling but i'm reflecting that my W could very well say those same words. Heck, I could say those same words.
Take care T2, i have always appreciated your insight into these deep matters. Me, I don't swim in the deep waters too often
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
Being able to effectively work out differences is absolutely key to maintaining a loving relationship, and this includes having healthy arguments. I don't know about you, but my wife and I seemed to avoid arguments at all costs, and the research I've done indicated that this can be a problem because differences get stuffed instead of resolved. This was a major premise in Andrew Marshalls book, ILYBINILWY.
I took two online courses to help me in this area, Interpersonal Communication, and Assertiveness training. Instead of letting everything go in an effort to keep the peace, I'll try to pick an issue here or there that I feel is important and stand up for myself. The few times I've done this I've always been shown respect, even if it wasn't until after the fact.
I believe a wife wants a confident man who is not afraid to voice his differences, not one that goes along with everything she says. If you never argue, don't be afraid to rock the boat once in a while.
Now that you have me thinking about it I think we're overdue for a good argument.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Oh T I am still laughing out loud about this, quite literally! I was not aware there was a wrong way to use water!!! This is classic! I'm going to be laughing about this for days! Good job on not saying the million funny responses that popped into your head at the moment!!
Being a woman, I think her reading about relationships and saying what she said to you are good things. My thoughts are why would you be reading about them if you weren't trying to work on yours? Just my opinion, and what makes sense to me, but then again we aren't dealing with logical people at the moment.
I was wondering if she was testing out how to talk to you about something she disagrees with... picking something small in order to test her "voice" and learn how to approach a disagreement so that resentment doesn't build?? Just a thought.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Time again for a new thread...So using my sooooooper-dooooooper mind reading powers <gak>... seems to be a good thing, looking at the old R and what maybe wasn't working, and working on changing that and the "we" statements...idk...though I will put money down that I have a round of "testing" coming up shortly... lol, or is that *sigh*?
Thoughts, comments, always welcomed.
T^2
Yes I get this I am developing a NEW DVD series for LBSers I am calling it HEARTS OF STEEL -- Makes Your Heart strong enough to take anything !!!
I gotta say now that you say this I notice that my wife is ALWAYS telling me how to do everything - I usually ignore it - maybe I should address it like you --
Wallowing in self pity today thanks for cheering me up with your positive attitude.
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Yes, both of us have been conflict avoiders, and because we are both sensitive, have not really learned to have an argument without devastated hurt feelings, defensiveness, etc. She is on to something and maybe it is time to work on that, and learn that conflict isn't the end of everything and also to get this stuff out in the open.
Imo, I have to remember that "be right or be happy" mantra, she has to remember that just because she is mad at me doesn't mean that it's "over" or that I'm "not "the one"" sort of black and white thinking (which she admits to).
hrm, I got more info on the incorrect using of the water, and it was that I was using too much, which, I can see her point, which I told her. We live in the high desert after all and I am eco-conscious...I was trying to jam through them because there were SO many, my focus was on speed, not conservation, and I was making a bit of a mess because of it...so I am going to tell her that I am open to working with her and learning how she wants things to be, and that she needs to let me know how she wants things done, that is her responsibility...I can't mind-read...no matter how much I try...lol. If it is something that is important enough for me to disagree and do it differently, then we can have that discussion at the time and try to find a consensus.
needgrace, good catch!...I hadn't thought of that, and it makes sense completely from her upbringing and our history. I shall observe with this possibility in mind...
sunny, you don't really "usually ignore it", do you? You do have some response, right?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I took what you wrote "I notice that my wife is ALWAYS telling me how to do everything - I usually ignore it " as meaning that you usually just blew her off as if she didn't say anything at all, no acknowledgement of what she was saying, nothing...
...which is different than ignoring the fact that she was being unpleasant and being nice/cordial anyway. And why I asked because I couldn't tell which you meant.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Just some lyrics from Audioslave for those left behind, and possibly their walk away mates, we are them, they are us, disentanglement a hard won ideal...
Quote:
Well I been watchin' While you been coughin I've been drinking life While you been nauseous And so I drink to health While you kill yourself And I got just one thing That I can offer
Go on and save yourself And take it out on me Go on and save yourself And take it out on me yea
Well I'm not a martyr I'm not a prophet And I won't preach to you But heres a caution You better understand That I won't hold your hand But if it helps you mend Then I won't stop it
Go on and save yourself And take it out on me Go on and save yourself And take it out on me Go on and save yourself And take it out on me Go on and save yourself And take it out on me yea
Drown if you want And I'll see you in the bottom Where you crawl On my skin And put the blame on me So you don't feel a thing
Go on and save yourself And take it out on me Go on and save yourself And take it out on me Go on and save yourself And take it out on me Go on and save yourself And take it out on me yeah....
I do hope everyone has a great weekend, so much healing to be done, why not now? T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
