When our spouse is crabby, if we can carry on any kind of convo without it escalating into a shouting match then it's a victory
Amen.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
For me the more I feel I am detaching the easier it is to not let the hot/cold affect me. It is easier to keep a PMA around my w. I also am really seeing the irony in her actions and attitude towards me. She wanted out, now she is out and I am still the bad guy. On top of that I am nothing but nice to her.
When you can step back, you will be able to really start to understand why they are hot/cold and angry. I believe it is all about justification for their actions. They believe we are the bad guys no matter what we do.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I got home and D8 was in her room crying. I calmly ask W what had happened and apparently D8 had been yelling and having tantrums and even hitting the maid. I just couldn't understand what had happened as she has been consistently good for the last few months, doing what she has to do when she has to do it and behaving well in every way.
W said that it's always that way and that she didn't understand why. She said that even in the past D8 had always behaved badly when I wasn't around but would calm down when I was around. She used to think that D8 was afraid of me but lately, that can't be the reason. I wanted to tell wife that perhaps D8 sees me as a responsible parent while she sees her (W) as a teenager and a buddy, but I didn't. At one point, while I was calmly asking about the situation, W got on the defensive and I assured her that I was in no way criticizing her, that I simply wished to know what the problem was. This calmed her down. --- She darted out without speaking and I went to make sure D8 had all she needed for an overnight stay.
It looked to me like W was about to leave without saying goodbye and I went to the door to ask her calmly when she thought she would drop D8 off. There we had a "normal" talk for a bit but I could see that W was tense. In the end, I wished her a good gig and walked in without looking back. By the time I'd come back out with D8 W was around the corner getting in the car. D8 then followed on her own. B/C wife was angry...at d. This isn't about you. I don't know if it's the distance I've created recently that is the cause of this it's NOT.
and I'm not sure what it means and how to handle it from here. How should I read all of this renewed anger? it's NOT 'renewed anger" that I see in this post. Unless you're leaving something out, it's not about you at all.
--- Besides, is this really what I want? What is going on in her head right now? Am I helping my situation or am I making it worse?
Little to NONE of this has to do with you. It's about a d having a tantrum and being difficult.
That happens. It gets frustrating. And while you always seem to read into what d does (always making it about w's choices) the fact is, sometimes kids are just bratty. Sometimes adults are.
Maybe d's previous "great behavior" was to please you and try to fix the marriage and keep the family together, but as she realizes it's fruitless, she gets more frustrated.
OR MAYBE she's just a little girl who didn't get a nap, or had too much sugar or is a little girl with her own backslides....or whatever...
Don't over analyze. It'll paralyze. Don't make it about you all the time Arsene.
You stood up for yourself and need not validate every opinion verbally.
At times, more discussion does NOT lessen tension.
Sometimes you just have to back off and let someone let off their steam - but you get out of the way so you are not burned by it.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks everyone. You may be right and this may not be about me after all. It's just that we hadn't had this type of interaction in a long time and W's "crappiness" was directed at me, not at D8. I'll let it ride and see what happens next. This still feels wrong though.
BTW, I had a great time at the birthday party last night. Stayed out til 3 am. It had been a very long time since I'd been out so late. Met lots of new people who actually seemed interested in pursuing a friendship with me. Three of them actually asked for my number before we left and we made tentative plans to hang out.
The birthday girl was very happy to see me there and although we hadn't been great friends in the past, we ended up having a good time and some nice talks. It did feel a bit weird as everyone there were born in the 80s and 90s but it still was a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to a repeat of this type of event, especially because I didn't think about my sitch the entire time I was there.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Great to hear that you had fun and met new people, Arene.
Keep it up and build momentum!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Thanks KG, I'll definitely try. I'm not one for going out that often but I could do with a night like that once a week. Cheers!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Short Interaction with W again today as she dropped off D8. A bit of spewing again over getting the car for a few days. I had to calmly tell W that we could just talk about this and that it didn't need to be a problem. She eventually calmed down.
I then went to practice my guitar and W eventually left. D8 ran pass me to her room with tears in her eyes. I let her for a bit and went in to comfort her. At times like these, I resent W for hurting our D8. None of this had to happen. She is being selfish and it's hard to keep on loving the person she has become.
There was also another issue over W getting D8 again on Sunday when it had clearly been agreed that she would be with me. We'd planned to go and get her new hamsters (the ones W got her died after a day and the cage has been sitting there empty since then). Initially, W said she couldn't take D8 because of her concert (the big gig) but today, they were talking about her picking D8 up. I mentioned that D8 and I had plans already and there D8 said that we could always get the hamsters on another day. That hurt me a bit, I have to admit.
The issue was not resolved and later, I got a text from W telling me that D8 really wanted to watch her play and that unless I had other considerations she thought it would be ok.
I don't want D8 to become part of some power struggle between me and W. I just wish she stuck to what she says, or at least agreed to talk about it in person with me instead of making plans with D8 without running them by me first.
My W's gig in on a Sunday night. By her own admission, she will start playing anytime between 7 and 9 and since it's a big billing, I'm sure she'll want to stick around and meet people. Who's going to take care of D8 while she's on stage? How late will D8 go to bed that night? Will she be ok waking up at 5 am the next morning to go to school?
D8 stayed with W last night because she wanted to see W play. Today was a school holiday so staying up late was fine. It turns out W dropped her off at friends' instead of taking her with her to her gig (D8 told me about it). So D8 spent the whole evening with the friend's kid while W was working. I'm sure D8 doesn't mind but I hate that now W tells me again that D8 wants to watch her play.
I just sent W a text telling her about my concerns re: who's going to take care of D8 while W's working (as opposed to last night's gig which is in a small cafe, Sunday's gig is an outdoor gig and a major production with a big crowd expected) and how late D8 will go to bed as it is a school night. I did say that if W really wanted to see D8 on Sunday she could during the day but I thought it would be better if she missed the concert. I also mentioned that W is probably not going to want to leave early after her gig. I also said that D8 had seen her the night before anyway (even if I now know that she hasn't). I then asked her what she thought.
I still haven't received an answer.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I think everything you said was fine, except for the part about " D8 already seen you the night before anyway" It might be just me but I would find that kinda hurtful. I wish I didn't have to share my children at all. Yes she choose this but i just found that comment kinda rude.
I'd definitely make shour you know who is watching your D8! Not much would suprise me these days. She may be intending in just having her sit by herself.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
I think everything you said was fine, except for the part about " D8 already seen you the night before anyway" It might be just me but I would find that kinda hurtful. I wish I didn't have to share my children at all. Yes she choose this but i just found that comment kinda rude.
I only mentioned that because that s what she d said the night before, that D8 wanted to see her play, yet she ended up at a friend s house. Btw, still no replies to my text.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
