5 months in

[AnotherStander]

As we were talking he continued to refer to "if we move out" and "when I get my house/condo". He also mentioned that we can still be "F-buddies". Yea, didn't know how to answer that one so I just let it slip.

I can see the small steps we're making but it's so hard to keep steady and strong. Especially when he sent me that text last week that said he loved me and he still refers to us spending time together but his getting his own place.

I don't want to throw cold water on your hopes, but I'm not reading any progress in these posts. It sounds to me like he's resolute about leaving but is trying to string you along so he can do some classic cake-eating. I would absolutely shut down any possibility of sex, just be clear to him that you reserve that for a two way loving relationship and are not interested in just being used as an "F buddy".

On a side note, I am constantly amazed to hear that term being thrown around on these forums, almost always by men at their LBS wives. I'm really surprised it hasn't earned any of them a firm reprimand if not a slap across the face. It is so unbelievably rude to tell that to anyone, much less your own wife. "F buddy" = free prostitute in my opinion. Is that really the best they can do? How about something at least a little respectful, like "I know we're having difficulties, but I still enjoy intimacy with you and hope we can continue that in some measure if you feel it's still appropriate." "F buddy" just sounds crude and crass, like an exchange two wasted people would have in some seedy bar.

[littleGTO]

Tessa,
I have to agree w AS. It doesn't sound like forward progress--just a cycle of the same stuff over and over.

It does sound like you are doing some nice 180's & he is responded though regarding some of the things you say/don't say.

Having said that at some point the interaction between he & OW is going to change or you may get tired of tolerating his "hero" interactions w HER and then running back to you for some great sex.

It might be beneficial to "try something new" by NOT having sex w him as he continues these interactions w HER. Unless you are okay w their R as it is for now, of course. R u ready to establish some boundaries or do you feel you are okay w things as they are? b/c your H is DEFINITELY CAKE-EATING!!!

[Big Bruce]

yup, agree totally with comments above.
Never used the term f-buddy before, but when I reach that point, it's because I lost all respect for the girl.

As a man, I'm attracted to a woman who is kinda difficult to catch, and convince to have sex with. If you're taken for granted, forget it.
Therefore, yeah, no more sex with him, but you have to deprive him in a way that he understands why. He's ego has to be bruised a little. Hit him in the mouth. Not just : I have a headache tonight, or not good moment of the month -like excuses.

See what I mean?

[Big Bruce]

And by the way everybody :
I may know what men want and what makes them tick.
But as for my wife, I haven't got a clue.

Please, I need more input on my thread.
Pretty please all forum friends, I need you to read my story and help me out.

Big thanks,
B

[Tessa2012]

Thanks AS, turtlegirl and B.

I appreciate the input. I'm fully aware that I may be reading more into what's actually going on. So, AS, I understand the cold water.

I know that he's cake-eating and as of right now, I'm okay with it. I need to verify but H is going to come to my next IC on Monday. Depending on how the conversation goes, I may nix the sex. I need to see how it goes first. My C loves Michele's teachings/books/methods and so she is all for trying to help make the sitch better and save the M/R.

He hasn't mentioned OW in a while and so I don't know what's going on with her...although I know that they still text each other. The other night, I didn't have my glasses on but I could just barely make out her name on his phone while he was texting. He told me that he wasn't ignoring me, just texting everyone that he knows so that he could drain his battery. If he does it this weekend, I'll just tell him to stop texting, and turn Pandora and his navigation program. That'll drain the battery MUCH quicker. LOL

On Tuesday, I was leaving for a training session with a client that is 4 hours away. H worked until 11pm the night before and spend the night at his home away from home. He sent me a message talking about the furnace going out in the middle of the night and his "freezing" and needing to bundle up more. To my surprise he actually made it home to see me before I left on my trip. Granted he may have just wanted to sleep in our heated home and waterbed but some part of me knows that he could've waited until after I had left. I even received a text asking if I was still alive since I didn't send a message about getting there okay.

Small steps...right?

[Tessa2012]

Today was an okay day even though I had an emotional slip (unobserved).

I've been trying to GAL and not let H's comments about getting his own place bother me.

For whatever reason, today was an emotional day. As I was driving home from work (safely) I started to get teared up. So, I took the time to pray and have a conversation between God and myself. It made me feel a bit better and I was pretty calm by the time I pulled into the garage.

Good thing H wasn't home because he'd easily pick up on the fact that I was crying even the slightest.

[Big Bruce]

Tessa,
Hey, we're here with you. Don't give up, okay?
I hope you started withdrawing the easy sex for your H. He needs to begin respecting you before loving you.
H needs to see you as something differently than a pain in the neck, but oh well, she does IT.

You are more than that. Start being someone I or any man would fall in love with : nice but firm, independent yet easy to get along with, etc... you know the rest I'm sure.
Not that boring, whiny, old usual wife that I'm going to get rid of but in the meantime let-me-f-her-a-bit-more-while-I'm-at-it.
Do you understand? Do you get what I'm talking about?

Is your H a believer as well? Keep praying, it works, things will turn around, slowly, but they will eventually.
Cheers,

[Tessa2012]

Hi Bruce.

Thank you for the advice and words of encouragement. I appreciate it.

Unfortunately, H isn't a believer. His belief is that there's a higher force at work (unspecified) and when you die it's over.

I have seen small changes and it keeps me hopeful. He actually told me that he had a dream last night of us getting busy on the flight deck of a ship in a game he's playing. LOL

[Big Bruce]

Tessa,
I'm glad your seeing some steps. Although, don't read too much into it.
I've just been disappointed big time today, my post says it all.

If that can help you, usually men like their ego being flattered by an adventure, a challenge, something a little special, dangerous or forbidden. Once the feeling of excitement gone, they go back to their family. So there's hope for you.

(From what I understand, women have a different dynamic, when they quit, they quit, so looks like I'm screwed, but I would love to believe the contrary).

Have a good week,
B

[Tessa2012]

Hi everyone.

I know I've been quiet for a while due to work and the holidays.

Not too much going on with the R/M. We're on an even keel right now and just enjoying each other's company when he's around the house.

Yesterday was a bittersweet. H didn't text/call me all day and I was ok with it but I was still expecting it. H finally called me after I had come home from work but I didn't answer because the ringer was still low from work. He then called the house line and asked his mom the question he was going to ask me. I had to chuckle because he asked if I was home and complained because I didn't answer. He told his mom that I need to have it on my person at all time.

Without skipping a beat, she told him that he can wait and that no one needs to drop everything for him. She explained that I could have been on the phone, in the bathroom, etc. Ultimately, he wanted to know if we could find something for him.

Fast forward about 10 minutes, I find what he was looking for and had his mom call him (he called her not me) He took a bit long to answer the phone and she teased it about him. Put it right back to him about keeping the phone on his person. (I didn't even coax her into it) Good thing is...he got the point.