The Lure of the Siren

[Starsky309]

P.S. Then again, we could be wrong, too -- that's for Arsene to decide, as it should be. I liked Cutter's advice to study the forum and see who's-done-what, and what's-worked-for-whom in saving themselves and saving their marriages.

[Starsky309]

I'm now sitting here wondering if this was the right thing to do. I'm wondering if I shouldn't just have gone and spent a nice day with my family. This feels wrong right now.

I think you did the right thing, Arsene. Remember, while much is written around here about "every situation is different" and "we all have to follow our gut," let's face it -- our GUT is often what got us into our marital messes and led us to this forum to begin with.

Much, MUCH of correct DBing is counter-intuitive, and won't feel right.
Starsky

[Just A Guy]

I think you did the right thing, Arsene. Remember, while much is written around here about "every situation is different" and "we all have to follow our gut," let's face it -- our GUT is often what got us into our marital messes and led us to this forum to begin with.

Much, MUCH of correct DBing is counter-intuitive, and won't feel right.
Starsky

So true... Whats even crazier is when they call you out when your doing the right DB things because it makes them think about what they are doing and feel the guilt and pain they are causing..

[Arsene]

I found these two nuggets really interesting.

IMHO, Arsene, you would be better off working more on your co-dependence issues than you would be necessarily on MARITAL issues. I think if you could get to the root of "why doesn't Arsene think he'll be okay if he's alone?" you might find your clues to your marital problems.

Yes, this is a marriage-recovery site, but I have found that those who have sucessfully DB'd almost always do so because they first sucessfully recovered THEMSELVES. I think that's what Cutter is trying to get you to see, and many of you are shooting the messenger.


Starsky

Actually Starsky, I did spend quite a bit of time on my own in those years. 1st W left in '99, we were separated for two years til I asked for divorce in 2001 and then I met my W in 2002. I didn't jump in a relationship until I felt I was ready to do so. I'll look into co-dependence but I'm not sure it applies here mate.

Correct. However, I think that Cutter (and some of the rest of us) -- in our been-around-the-block-and-know-a-thing-or-two'ness -- are saying that until you DO, you'll be largely STUCK.

There's no shame in admitting that you're not ready. However, don't make any pretenses at thinking you're going to get anywhere until you CAN bring yourself to be ready.


Starsky

I hear you mate but what you call pretense, I call PMA. I know I'm not ready and in any position to do what CB is advocating and perhaps I'm deluding myself in believing that I am making progress, however, without this sweet delusion (if that is all it is) I would have given up a long time ago.

I have read many sitches in the forum and I've read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. For the time being, I have made the decision to follow a softer approach, right or wrong, as I believe it is what is best for now for my situation. I don't think I'm doing anything which would hurt my sitch and quite frankly, I don't think I'm in any more(or any less) pain than people who choose the harder approach.

I think you did the right thing, Arsene. Remember, while much is written around here about "every situation is different" and "we all have to follow our gut," let's face it -- our GUT is often what got us into our marital messes and led us to this forum to begin with.

Much, MUCH of correct DBing is counter-intuitive, and won't feel right.
Starsky

Thanks mate. I think so too, but it feels like amputating your own leg.

Thanks for your time Starsky. I appreciate your opinion on this.

Cheers!

[Arsene]

Hey JAG,

You are right about that. Actually, W texted me twice tonight to invite me out for dinner (even said she'd buy). As I was really busy, it felt good telling her that I was busy with something and that I couldn't join them.

All the same, I just got home and the car is still here which leads to believe she went home with OM. I know it happens and I expect it to happen but I'm always gutted when it does.

[bustingout]

Hi Arsene,

I think you dod the right thing too. And I also understand the feeling of it feeling wrong as well. You are not alone in that :-)

What can I say except what Starsky said...this is counter-intuitive. Maybe when we feel that, we should actually give ourselves a pat on the back and think 'ok...I am DBing and I choose to DB, and this is what it is about'.

Trust the process as Cadet says.

(I realise I am only re-quoting the vets! But I believe it...hopefully i can DO it).

As for this:

All the same, I just got home and the car is still here which leads to believe she went home with OM. I know it happens and I expect it to happen but I'm always gutted when it does.

I know this feeling....whenever H leaves for the night after the kids sleep, goes to OW....the knife rips another cut in my gut. But we keep moving forward. We keep doing what we are learning and what we believe is the best we can do, and always strive to do better.

I hope you are okay Arsene. :-)

(((( )))))

[25yearsmlc]

Hey JAG,

You are right about that. Actually, W texted me twice tonight to invite me out for dinner (even said she'd buy). As I was really busy, it felt good telling her that I was busy with something and that I couldn't join them.

nothing wrong with this^^. She will learn nothing if SHE gets to pretend all is well if and when she feels like coming home or getting her "family fix."

OTOH when your d said you'd been a good boy but your w does not believe it - instead of saying your w is the bad girl, '"Jokingly" ,

you could have asked why w didn't believe it...or "Jokingly" promised the changes are real. I think every thing said there had truth darts in it. BUT

I doubt your w thinks SHE is being evil, at least not consciously. So what did that conversation achieve?


All the same, I just got home and the car is still here which leads to believe she went home with OM.

2nd time you make this assumption but do NOT KNOW, so why bother going there? Does it help you at all?

I know it happens and I expect it to happen but I'm always gutted when it does.

Stop gutting yourself...

and Kudos to you for finding your own path. If you read Dobson then you know the approach and have chosen this MWD DB approach instead. You have the right to do that and besides this is a DB site anyhow.

Stick to whatever approach you take and give it enough time to assess. I don't think you've been at DBing for long ( I know you haven't) and sometimes folks just see HER timeline, not yours.

Keep on keeping on but I'd sure like to hear some of those details in your vision of what life would look like

if you were single and happy...or NOT single but not with your w.

What does you being single and happy look like?

[Arsene]

Trust the process as Cadet says.

(I realise I am only re-quoting the vets! But I believe it...hopefully i can DO it).

I hope you are okay Arsene. :-)

Thanks Busting. It helps to be reminded once in a while. I'm much better this morning. W is coming to spend the night so I'm planning on going out again this evening. No plans yet but if nothing else, I'll just dress up and go to some cafe with Wifi and come and read some threads for a few hours.

It feels like I'm playing a game and I don't like it but I have to "act as if" and "fake it til I make it". I think W has it in her mind that I just sit here every night waiting for her (which isn't/wasn't totally wrong) and I have to make an effort to show her that I do have a life (even if it's still not totally true).

Last night I met with the leader of the blues band I'm thinking about managing and we had a really nice talk. He seems to like my ideas and to be excited at the prospect of working with me. We actually get on well and he even offered to come around my house to jam and teach me a few blues licks. He knows my W and we talked a bit about that. I told him that we weren't together anymore and that I was giving her time to see what she wanted out of life. One step towards working my way out of denial, I guess.

The owner of the cafe where I play is also excited about working with me so GAL-wise, it looks good. I still feel a bit empty though, but I suppose that's going to get better.

[Arsene]

Yes, this is a marriage-recovery site, but I have found that those who have sucessfully DB'd almost always do so because they first sucessfully recovered THEMSELVES. I think that's what Cutter is trying to get you to see, and many of you are shooting the messenger.

Just to set the record straight Starsky. I have absolutely nothing against Cutter or what he has to say. I think I've made it clear all along that I do welcome every opinion as they help me to better assess my choices.

What I do have a problem with is the actual delivery. As I said earlier, I don't need sugar-coating but I don't feel like I should come on my thread and be made to feel like an idiot because I'm doing what I think I should do.

Again, all of us here have had intensive "advanced communication skills" training through DB and we should all know that being judgmental, critical, passive aggressive and insulting are not ways to communicate a message effectively.

I am saying all of this with all due respect for Cutter and his opinion and hope he will continue to contribute to my progress under these "boundaries".

[tori2012]

Arsene, you sound really strong, so that's awesome.

I'm curious about the reasons for your 1st D. You said they were the same reasons your W wants to end your M. Did you figure this our by readind DB or by thinking about things?