Good to have you back. Hope all is well mate. Looking forward to your update.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Hey Arsene, it’s been a while. This has been the longest stretch away from this site since the beginning of my sitch. I have an interesting new development. About 3 weeks ago I was out with some of my friends and I ended up meeting OW. She’s recently divorced with two grown kids. We ended up getting physical the first night I met her and I’ve seen her just about every other day since then. She’s told me from the beginning that she doesn’t want anything serious but as time goes by I can tell that “feelings” are starting to come into the picture for both of us. I doubt I would be interested in a long term relationship with her for multiple reasons. I know she’s on a dating site, a bit slutty and average looking at best. I am sure there's other reasons but that's a start. I just need to decide what I want.
I met with my IC the other day and she had a interesting perspective. She said I am at a crossroad right now because I have a choice. In essence, I can get out now before the “feelings” take over and make things more difficult. All of this has been very interesting and I am not really sure what to make of it.
Hmmmm Rough, where are you going? I thought you told your wife you were acting as a married person would act -- have you told her you're going to start dating? Where are you headed my friend, and how do you feel about it?
I don't think there's anything wrong with starting a new relationship, provided that it's fair to all concerned, and that you've brought your prior relationships to closure. As long as you and W have an understanding and this is what you want, then go for it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: Now Separated. Am I doing the right things? No.
Sorry Rough but as Accuray pointed out, what ever happened to "I'm behaving like a married man"?
Listen, I'm not here to judge you mate. In the end you do what you think is best however, ask yourself if this is serving your primary goal. What is your primary goal? Becoming a better person? Reconciling with your wife? Saving your family? If it's any of these or all three (as in my case) what you are doing now isn't serving that.
If your wife is on the fence right now and not sure where to go, this is the sort of thing that would probably send her the other way. Now, I'm not saying that you should be afraid of your wife. I'm saying that you spent hours deciding what text to send to reply to an innocent message from your W to make sure you get it right. How long did you spend making this particular decision?
Having said all of this, of course if your primary goal has changed since we last spoke, that is a different question. Then all I would ask you is if you think you are ready to enter another relationship at this point? Have you come to some sort of closure with your W? Have you even told her that you were considering seeing other people?
I'm saying all of this yet I sooo understand what you are going through mate. I've thought about it a lot as well.
It would be nice to be held tight by someone who seems to care and want to be with me. It would be great to have someone to share life with, the small stuff as well as the big stuff. It would be great to feel wanted and needed again, and it will be at one time. With my W or with another woman. Now however, I've got a lot of work to do to make myself happy. To get to the point where I don't NEED another woman to make me feel great. To a point where I can feel great just being who I am.
When you walk with a cane, whether you need it or not, you'll start to limp.
Take care of yourself mate, and think about how far you've come. Is this really where you want to call it a day? Will you be able to tell your kids that you've given it all you had?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I just spent the past 2 days reading the 46 page previous thread completely through and i mainly wanted to follow a sitch with an ongoing separation.
I feel like your priorities have fluctuated on occasion and when you were called out on them, you backtracked to say it was just fleeting thoughts.
So, have you had a change of heart towards R?
As stated by others, thats okay if you have, but you seemingly are not that attracted to or interested in this OW based on your description and characterization of her.
Is a fling worth abandoning any hopes you had of R?
No disrespect intended and i truly wish you peace with whatever decision you make.
I need to start a new thread too, but i was catching up on AT's, Arsenes and yours for the past several days when i had time.
Take care and good luck,
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Thanks everyone, I appreciate your input. A couple other things. I just lost my job a couple weeks ago and I immediately started driving a cab. It’s a short term job until I find something better. I also just received a email frow W which I am posting. I also don’t know if I will be able to give her the money I owe her on the 15th and I don’t have a 401K or family to help. It also looks like she just left her job.
I hope you have had a nice weekend with the kids! I have decided to leave my job and go back to working full time. So far I have applied for 2 jobs this am. I am going to apply for 5 today! That said, I need you to give me the money we agreed upon on the 15th or I wont be able to cover our daughters daycare expenses for this month. I am assuming you requested to cash out whatever you had in your 401k and you should receive your unemployment by then, or you could ask your family. I do not want to ask my parents - we always turn to them and they will be pissed. IF I get a new job, we can talk about you giving me much less for awhile until you are employed again. That is very fair and nice of me. I dont want you to be miserable Rough. I will look hard for a new job!
Speaking of jobs, my brother and I were talking about you and the fact that you are good at sales. My two cents, you should leave recruiting and look for a sales job. A route sales job like my brother that has a company car or a good car allowance. He sells beer and wine... there are a million things you could sell Rough! And I think youd like the freedom of being out in the field all day.
Thanksgiving --- You have the kids Thanksgiving weekend and if you'd like them Thursday- Sunday so that you are with them on Thanksgiving, I am fine with that! Just let me know. As you know, we are going to PA for Christmas, I think it is fair for you to have them on Thanksgiving. I'll send you a separate email about Christmas. Please let me know about Thanksgiving.
Sorry to hear about your job mate. That puts a dent in your plan to sort out your finance. At a point, you had found a second job where they wanted you to commit to full time work. Is that job still available? You might want to check it out. These guys liked you enough back then to offer you full time, they might be interested in having you again now.
About your job. I remember you saying you got on well with your boss and he supported you in your efforts. What is the reason you lost your job? if you don't mind telling. I know most of us down here can't really focus on work and our sitch does affect what we do. Do you think it has anything to do with that?
RE: Your wife's letter. She is being very business-like but still showing concern for your welfare. She is also being considerate re: your time with the kids. I don't see anything wrong with it mate. Remember, this is a marathon. She said she needed time and space. You are giving it to her and she is taking it. Hopefully she is using it well, but that is neither here nor there for us LBSs because we have to focus on how we use our own time. Speaking of which, what is going on with OW? How are you dealing with it?
BTW Rough. I don't mean to diminish the impact of you losing your job. I know it must be tough, especially these days. I'm with you mate and I know you'll be fine. Heck, you lost your job 2 weeks ago and you're already doing something else. Keep your head up mate!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thanks everyone, I appreciate your input. A couple other things. I just lost my job a couple weeks ago and I immediately started driving a cab. It’s a short term job until I find something better. I also just received a email frow W which I am posting. I also don’t know if I will be able to give her the money I owe her on the 15th and I don’t have a 401K or family to help. It also looks like she just left her job. WHAT ARE YOUR QUESTIONS FOR US? I MEAN, the OW is a no brainer for us here. You're in no position emotionally, financially, parentally OR MARITALLY to be dating.
But you are "lonely" and yet trying to appear strong and confident. The fact that you seem so needy that you'd date an OW you're not even that crazy about, WHILE saying you want your family restored, is just not consistent. I forgot your age and mean no offense, but are you in your early 20s? I'm not being snotty but I can't see it below.
Get your money in order. You know to provide for your family and you have to know it's an attractive trait and not just for 'Shallow selfish" women but for women who are mothers. We want to know our children will be sheltered and fed...can't do that with a guy who is chronically under employed (Not saying YOU are, but in general, when men are, they tend to get left...)
Without knowing what your questions are here, I'd have to say you need to do what you need to do to make your court ordered payments OR to keep your word to your w. If you have to sell something, so be it. But one thing is clear to me.
If you are dating ANY OW and spending ANY money on her, when you cannot make a child support payment you agreed to, it's just wrong.
I hope you have had a nice weekend with the kids! I have decided to leave my job and go back to working full time. So far I have applied for 2 jobs this am. I am going to apply for 5 today! That said, I need you to give me the money we agreed upon on the 15th or I wont be able to cover our daughters daycare expenses for this month. I am assuming you requested to cash out whatever you had in your 401k and you should receive your unemployment by then, or you could ask your family. [color:#CC0000] If any of this^^ is not accurate, calmly inform her of that. And if she is forced to ask her parents, inform her/them YOU will repay them asap. (If it were me, I'd sell something before I'd ask my inlaws to pay MY child support obligation).
Tell her you're driving a cab and whatever else you are doing. My brother drove a cab while he went to nursing school. It happens. I had a law school classmate who drove cabs and I waited tables in law school. It sure motivated me to stay in school.
I do not want to ask my parents - we always turn to them and they will be pissed. IF I get a new job, we can talk about you giving me much less for awhile until you are employed again. That is very fair and nice of me. I dont want you to be miserable Rough. I will look hard for a new job! Acknowledge this^^^ & be grateful. She could be a lot meaner here. (Although I'm a little curious. Did she quit BEFORE finding new work?)
Speaking of jobs, my brother and I were talking about you and the fact that you are good at sales. My two cents, you should leave recruiting and look for a sales job. A route sales job like my brother that has a company car or a good car allowance. He sells beer and wine... there are a million things you could sell Rough! And I think youd like the freedom of being out in the field all day. She's flattering you, and she may mean all of it, even if it's self serving. If there's any truth to this^^, agree and validate. Also mention your other goals in your job search, IF you have some.
Thanksgiving --- You have the kids Thanksgiving weekend and if you'd like them Thursday- Sunday so that you are with them on Thanksgiving, I am fine with that! Just let me know. As you know, we are going to PA for Christmas, I think it is fair for you to have them on Thanksgiving. I'll send you a separate email about Christmas. Please let me know about Thanksgiving.[/color]
I don't know what your agreements were about this^ So I can't really comment except if you take all those days, how will you also work?
And are you going to make plans for Christmas so you aren't miserable? Make plans NOW so you are not alone.
Let her and the kids experience Christmas morning without you (b/c you have no choice anyhow) and trust me, IT will NOT be as good as it was with you.
The kids will tell her, YOU don't have to. She'll know...
Otherwise I'm not sure what you are asking so I'll leave it at this.
Good luck Rough, keep posting and keep on keeping on.
I recall a BAD Xmas for us in '05...but when h stopped by and then left to go away again, I took the kids for a weekend of barely affordable skiing. We had a cabin with a huge flatscreen, and we skiied and went sledding and had a ball. Outdoor hot tub, etc.
Proved we could have fun with or without h. And I relaxed! Man that was a good idea. If it were warmer we could have gone camping-cheap too, but the point is, plan something for when you see the kids over that break and have FUN with them. Build memories with them...your w will feel left out.
And that's okay. Do NOT invite her. This is for you and your r's with the kids.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
