The Lure of the Siren

[tori2012]

I kindly disagree. At work, it's no one's business that you and your W are separated, unless you and your coworkers are friends.
Family? that's another story. They don't need details, though.

I do agree that you must let your W travel her own path, though.

[chatterbug]

Between males telling them this allows the other males to step up and carry the work load for awhile. But in time it also allows them to step up and tell Arnse to step up and commit to his responsibilities at work again.

I am speaking from a male point of view. No disrespect intended Tori.

[chatterbug]

Arsene I have a question for you.

Why do you protect your wife from feeling the agony she has caused you? How do you think she will ever learn if she does not know this knowledge?

[Denver_2010]

Arsene I have a question for you.

Why do you protect your wife from feeling the agony she has caused you? How do you think she will ever learn if she does not know this knowledge?

^^^^ YES ^^^^

[breakdownbill]

Hey Arsene

It's been a while mate, but in all seriousness CB's question is really valid.

I get why you would still want to protect your wife's feelings, because it is a natural reaction to protect the one's we love no matter what they have done to us.

In this case though by protecting her feelings here you are denying your W the opportunity to go through these feelings and emotions, in the hope that she would reflect upon her life choices, consequences to these choices and to ask herself what she truly wants out of life.

Through your wife's actions she has given you this gift to obtain this knowledge. The only way you can help your wife learn is to stop being her protector and to be what Denver sometimes refers to as a "lighthouse" for your wife.

Right now she might not see the lighthouse shining bright, but if her internal storms pass and she looks for guidance, she will see the lighthouse, she will see you.

Keep to your own path.

Bill

[Arsene]

Thanks Denver,

I think the key word here is "close". As you know, I'm kind of new it this city and I haven't yet develop that many close relationship as this takes time. There is also the fact that this is still a "taboo" subject in this country and I haven't really felt like opening up to acquaintances about this.

Nonetheless, I recognize that this might be some sort of denial. BTW, the few friends I do have and my close family know of what is happening.

[Arsene]

CB, I'm not sure I understand your question. I never felt like I was protecting my wife as people I now know are not usually in her circle. The few people I meet now who might know her are not close enough for me to start talking about my situation. Perhaps subconsciously you are right. I don't know.

I guess deep inside, I am embarrassed because it turns out she isn't the perfect person I thought she was. I used to be so proud of her and thought she was different from other women. In fact, there is a stigma in this country for women who do her job. Women who sing in bars (heck, women who simply ARE in bars) are automatically branded as "loose" women and I always stood up for her, and now, she is living the stereotype. I feel like I've been fooled all these years. She's fallen off the pedestal I jacked her up on.

As far as learning, I think she is learning, but at her pace. There is nothing I can put in her face that is going to make her learn any faster. She knows the consequences of her actions. She lives them everyday that she spends away from her daughter, sleeping on the floor of some room with shared bathrooms and no hot water. She lives through them every time she HAS to take on a job, whether or not she feels like it. She lives through them every time she talks to her friends and has to lie so she doesn't come out like the "baddy". Me shaming her in public (any more than she is doing herself by her actions) isn't going to help my situation. JMO.

[Denver_2010]

Hey Arsene

It's been a while mate, but in all seriousness CB's question is really valid.

I get why you would still want to protect your wife's feelings, because it is a natural reaction to protect the one's we love no matter what they have done to us.

In this case though by protecting her feelings here you are denying your W the opportunity to go through these feelings and emotions, in the hope that she would reflect upon her life choices, consequences to these choices and to ask herself what she truly wants out of life.

Through your wife's actions she has given you this gift to obtain this knowledge. The only way you can help your wife learn is to stop being her protector and to be what Denver sometimes refers to as a "lighthouse" for your wife.

Right now she might not see the lighthouse shining bright, but if her internal storms pass and she looks for guidance, she will see the lighthouse, she will see you.

Keep to your own path.

Bill

That's a great post from Bill. There is a difference between that lighthouse and being a crutch. You are the lighthouse by living your life well, by not giving up on the possibility of reconciliation, by being a good father... by loving your W from afar while letting her follow her own path without you.

I wasn't trying to slam you Arsene. I just think that if you can't tell someone, 'I don't know if you know, but my W and I are currently separated', then you are protecting her, and you are silently in denial of reality. You are trying to pretend that things are different than they really are. In fact, I see you doing this with your daughter in some ways. I'm just not sure how healthy it is for her, and you, to continue living your lives with the idea that your W will be coming home. It is what is right now. And you should always live life acknowledging what IS... IMO. Hopefully that 'IS" changes and you can begin living life with a new reality... but not yet.

If any of that makes sense...

It is hard Arsene. No one is saying that it isn't.

[chatterbug]

CB, I'm not sure I understand your question. I never felt like I was protecting my wife as people I now know are not usually in her circle. The few people I meet now who might know her are not close enough for me to start talking about my situation. Perhaps subconsciously you are right. I don't know.

I guess deep inside, I am embarrassed because it turns out she isn't the perfect person I thought she was. I used to be so proud of her and thought she was different from other women. In fact, there is a stigma in this country for women who do her job. Women who sing in bars (heck, women who simply ARE in bars) are automatically branded as "loose" women and I always stood up for her, and now, she is living the stereotype. I feel like I've been fooled all these years. She's fallen off the pedestal I jacked her up on.

As far as learning, I think she is learning, but at her pace. There is nothing I can put in her face that is going to make her learn any faster. She knows the consequences of her actions. She lives them everyday that she spends away from her daughter, sleeping on the floor of some room with shared bathrooms and no hot water. She lives through them every time she HAS to take on a job, whether or not she feels like it. She lives through them every time she talks to her friends and has to lie so she doesn't come out like the "baddy". Me shaming her in public (any more than she is doing herself by her actions) isn't going to help my situation. JMO.

I am just heading out Arnse. But you did not understand what I asked you.

I asked you about hiding yourself from her. Pretending that it is not ripping you apart on the inside. Always being upbeat and happy to see her when it is the furthest thing from the truth. Not letting her know how it ruining your heath and you are on anti-depressants so you can function day to day with her random drop-ins and D8's hurt and the consistent ongoing affair.
Nothing about shaming her in public. I do not know why you keep going back to that train of thought.

Is it because it made you uncomfortable so you had to deflect?

[Denver_2010]

I guess deep inside, I am embarrassed because it turns out she isn't the perfect person I thought she was.

THAT is it right there ^^^. Exactly what you need to come to terms with. It is what is at the heart of every action you take Arsene.

And I understand it well.

But you are protecting her. You are protecting her from the people that you know, and you are protecting her from your D.

I agree with Chatter that you need to stop protecting her.

That doesn't mean publicly humiliating her. It means just being upfront about the situation. Let her deal with the repercussions of that.

For me, I was embarrassed about my W's actions too. I felt fooled as well.

How I handled it. I was open with everyone, including SS and my D, about the status of things. Just the bare bones. I did not offer details. I did not seek to embarrass my W or put her on the defensive. I was just honest. And if anyone ever criticized her to my face, I did defend her. I did take the heat for why we were separated. But after a while, I got sick of defending her. Instead, I learned to just politely excused myself from the conversation.

The bottom line is this. It is not your job to protect your w from ANYONE about the choices that she makes. It is also not your job to make anyone judge her in any particular way. IMO, you should be open and honest about the facts, but let people come to their own conclusions. What that means for you W is, quite frankly, her problem to deal with.

If you live your life well, focus on you and your D, and continue to make the right choices, it won't matter what other people know... even if you reconcile.

I have had to deal with the natural negative backlash against my W since our reconciliation. All I say is this, 'if I can forgive her, then, as my [insert relationship, friend, mom etc], you will forgive her as well.'

You deal with that when, if, the time comes. And it can be done if you are just upfront with people about what is going on and your feelings about it (even if your feelings are 'I don't want to talk about it').