DBing doesn't mean being cold toward your S. What you need to do is to be in friendly terms with your W, and letting her know you "get" that she does not want to be in the M anymore, and that you have a happy life of your own. See the difference? It's not easy to do. I failed at it many times.
You must convey that you understand what she wants and respect it, while being fun, and mysterious, and sexy, and all the things she liked about you when you first started dating. The change you're trying to spark is in her head. But only she can change her own thoughts. You're there to provide the fuel for that change. I hope you see what I'm trying to say.
I agree Tori, Denver and Afa. It's what I'm trying to do, and I'm also failing at it miserably but I know it's where I need to be right now. Thanks!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Baby steps... See your own baby steps, Not just your W's You can't change a whole life's worth of thinking patterns overnight.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Today didn't start off as a great day but it turned out ok in the end. I felt loads of anxiety and I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I missed 2 days of my A/Ds (Hunted doctor down for 4 days for a new prescription), and now I've been back on them for 2 days. Hopefully this won't happen again.
In the end, though, I used meditation techniques to get myself in a better place and I think it worked. I had to do it a few times during the day because the anxiety kept coming back but each time,I managed to chase it away.
I saw W when I got home. She spent the day with D8 (she usually picks her up on Wednesdays) and was leaving for work when I got here. She was very pleasant and talkative so I obliged her and talked a bit. She mentioned (in passing?) that she had read a blog I'd sent her by Jed Diamond on the Angry Men Syndrome. We'd talked about that over a month ago and I'd mentioned it because she had read other stuff by him and always said how she respected his opinion on stuff.
He writes a lot of stuff on how to deal with the man you love when he goes through this and his stance is on working together on the marriage. She told me she read it and said she thought her mom was going through that. I'm just happy she read it. It shows a certain curiosity about me.
Other small news, D8 told me tonight that lately when W calls her, she always asks about me. She said that W never used to do that. Again, probably means nothing but it's nice to know.
Meeting W again Tomorrow morning for yet another "immigration date". Will I be lured by her conversation? Should I join in if she initiates? I'll play it by ear.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Hey, Arsene, it's okay to talk to her and show you're smart, and a great conversationalist. Remember: you are atractive. You are interesting. You are self-assured. Say this stuff to yourself over and over. Read my advice from before. I've learned all of this from my coach!
Remember what SD has said. When observing...'isn't that interesting'. Continue on your path Arsene.
I am glad the meditation has helped you. One thing I do know about the meds...it has to be consistent. It can mess one up if irregular. Consistency and time makes them work.
Always here with you Arsene. :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I did meet W this morning and we had a nice time, light convo, mostly about D8 and a laugh here and there. Nothing too involved although she started talking about a common friend who is going through marital problems and said that she would have left a long time ago had she been in her situation. That woman isn't allowed to do anything, had to leave her job and is pretty much this guy's slave. W said she realizes how lucky she was that she could continue singing and doing things she liked. I had to focus hard not to comment and to simply validate her feelings.
Now that this is out of the way for a few days, back to backing off.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Sounds as if you did brilliantly, Arsene. (I always think of Arsène Lupin when I read your thread!) Well done with the validating and not commenting. It must have been so tempting.
If I even miss one day of ADs, I can really feel it. You should start to feel less anxious again v soon.
Good luck with the backing off now.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
It does feel a bit better but that might be because the meds are kicking in again. I'm focusing on GAL right now and pushing on with a few things which were on hold so I hope to make myself busy to the point where I don't see W all that much. I've read the thread on pursuer/distancer and it does ring a bell so I'm going to see if I can make her come a little closer.
It was a bit awkward tonight at my gig. I'm starting to meet more and more people and tonight I met this drummer who remembers meeting me a few years back and started talking about my W. I don't really want this in the open so I just nodded and smiled and stayed quiet.
At work today, it came up and I kind of had to tell a few people there that my W and I were separated. Maybe it's what I need to get out of denial, which is where I think I am sometimes. Really, I still think that W will wake up and come back home. Is it wishful thinking, me knowing my wife or delusion? Who knows? Maybe telling people about it will wake me up from my delusions, if that is what they are.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
It does feel a bit better but that might be because the meds are kicking in again. I'm focusing on GAL right now and pushing on with a few things which were on hold so I hope to make myself busy to the point where I don't see W all that much. I've read the thread on pursuer/distancer and it does ring a bell so I'm going to see if I can make her come a little closer.
It was a bit awkward tonight at my gig. I'm starting to meet more and more people and tonight I met this drummer who remembers meeting me a few years back and started talking about my W. I don't really want this in the open so I just nodded and smiled and stayed quiet.
At work today, it came up and I kind of had to tell a few people there that my W and I were separated. Maybe it's what I need to get out of denial, which is where I think I am sometimes. Really, I still think that W will wake up and come back home. Is it wishful thinking, me knowing my wife or delusion? Who knows? Maybe telling people about it will wake me up from my delusions, if that is what they are.
Not trying to be harsh Arsene, but I completely think that you are in denial of your situation. If you haven't told co-workers, friends and family that you are separated by now, then there is a problem. That's not to say that you need to tell them details, but to not tell people who you are close to the reality of your life... well, it screams of denial.
Not that it matters, but I decided very early on to be very upfront with everyone close to me about the situation, ie, my W leaving me. I just viewed it like ripping off a band aid. ONce it was out there, I dropped the topic. When others brought it up when I didn't feel like talking about it, I politely told them so.
I think that getting out of this denial will help you take a step forward with what you need to do... which is let your W be and let her travel her own path without you.
JMO Arsene.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
